Spleens on a tee!

Spleen store launched! Get your spleen (tees) here!

So far, we've got:

• Follow Your Spleen
• Respect the Spleen
• The Early Bird Gets the Spleen
• Insert Spleen Here
• Moving at the Spleed of Spleen
• World Wide Spleens
• Cold Hands Warm Spleen (true story!)
• Dark Side of the Spleen
• Home is Where the Spleen is
• Spleen of Gold

Visit store, indulge your spleen. Go ahead, you know it wants it. ;)

Looking through my stats

Whoa! I run a few blogs and a few websites & am impressed by the stats on each: spleeness gets 5k visits/month, the spleenme joke blog nets 2,000/month, a new(ish) private blog receives 1200 visitors/month, the parakeet FAQ gets 8,000/month and my regular design website averages 8700/month. Makes me feel appreciated and motivated!

When I tell people I took a ballet class, this is what they think:

Have you seen this meme going around? It's a total crackup. Of course I had to contribute. I took a ballet class some months ago and this is what it was like telling people about it. Look. It was an introductory class. A class for adults who never saw a ballet step in their lives. It was so basic it wasn't even the introductory class. It was INTRO to INTRO to ballet, a level BEFORE step one. Not only that, but I was the clumsiest student there and thought I had movement dyslexia until I found out that everyone else had taken the class 6 times. Anyway, I loved it. The class was great and I continue to practice at home -- how I work out is by dancing. But when I TELL people that, this is what they think:

I had one thing on my To Do list and I forgot to do it.

Why parts of the internet will go dark Jan. 18

Have you heard of SOPA - the Stop Online Piracy Act? It *sounds* like a good idea -- piracy bad! -- but a closer look at this act reveals something terrifying that may change the Internet as we know it.

Google (this includes blogger!), Facebook, Yahoo, AOL, Wordpress, Reddit, The Wikipedia, The Cheezeburger Network, Boing Boing, Twitter, Ebay, LinkedIn & some other major players are considering going dark to take a stand against SOPA because the wording of this proposed bill is so vague & penalties so steep that there may be potential for much abuse. Like, just *linking* to something might be enough to get you in trouble.

Right now the bill looks like it's going to be approved as the majority of senators are in favor of it. We need to reach 41 more senators to make a difference. The senate votes Jan. 24. Here's what you can do:

This page lets you put in a zip code and click a button to notify your local senators.

Please help keep the internet free.

https://wfc2.wiredforchange.com/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173

Hey, wanna see a manatee? AWESOME closeup!!

Check out the manatee I saw yesterday in Florida!! Isn't this a great shot?

Does anyone actually LIKE getting a facial???

You've heard of facials, right? I had one ONCE, as a gift. I sat in a chair under a light while someone in a mask peered at my skin through a giant magnifying glass and proceeded to poke, fold, jab, dig, stab, jam and lunge their fingers into my face.

It was maybe the most unrelaxing procedure I've ever had, aside from that colonoscopy that one time. It took my skin 4 days to regain normalcy from its reddened, blotchy, injured state.

So imagine my dismay seeing today's coupon deal. People PAY for this? Wait, not only that, but it's considered a DEAL worthy of investing company advertising dollars? This is like gifting someone a root canal. REALLY? I feel like creating a "Leave My Face Alone" counteroffer, where someone can pay me for the truth: "SAVE 3 hours AND your beauty; get a massage instead!"

wut?? (And other photos from Florida trip)

Wut? I like shakes. Something wrong with that?

Did you just... I...uh... did you LAUGH at my friend?

You DID, didn't you.

Bonus to being 20,000 feet in the air: seeing THIS at eye level.

There are DOGS here. Yay!

The dobie gets a kiss.

Me and BFF with the iron chef.

Bleached stop sign (never saw this in Maryland!)

 

Only in Florida -- shark Christmas lights!

BFF and I blogging.

With Marley, the lost dog we reunited with her owner.

(Side note: if your pet is microchipped, get it registered!
It's not an automatic process -- this dog was chipped
and NOT registered; it took hours of sleuthing to locate
the grateful family.

I'm maybe a bit preoccupied with this.

Recent chat conversation:

me: Sitting here googling "spider prevention" because I'm a freak.  

them:  One cannot prevent spiders. One can only make peace with them. 

me: I just moved into a basement. Before realizing the highest concentration of spiders in a house is where? THE BASEMENT. So I  bought 6 supersonic ultra spider-chaser plugs that will spider proof my room FOREVER. If I never see another spider again, it'll be too soon.

them: they eat stink bugs. 

me: I don't care. 

them: Spiders are cool. Hence, Spider-man. 

me:  But he's nice inside. Spiders are not nice inside. 

them:  They totally are! They are full of silk and hugs! And you are JUDGING THEM! 

me: But I've SEEN their actions, the whole lot of them! Wreaking havoc on family and friends and ohhh the mahem at that sleepaway camp in the woods! 9 near death incidents. 

them: Maybe they are trying to shake hands. 

me: YOU can shake their hands. *I* will remain unfriendly.

them: Fine, but if I have to get you into an exclusive club and there's a spider bouncer at the door and he's all "I hear she hates spiders," I'm gonna have to be all "She's cool, man," and he's gonna be all "Yeah? So some of her best friends are spiders?" And I'm gonna be "Oh sure, she works with one," and then he's gonna say "Yeah, you know what? Spiders can't get work because of people like you lady!" and then he's gonna scowl, and probably eat an insect, and we're going to be standing out there in the cold of January, freezing in nice club clothes because you are a spider-hating byatch!

them: And what about Charlotte? 

me: Totally different thing. Charlotte was almost not even a real spider. She's a HOUSE spider. Spindly legs, slow and big heavy thorax that weighs down the web. That's actually kinda cute. They keep wolf spiders away. Like dolphins to sharks.Wolf spiders have 88 eyes and a freaking FACE and are mean and speed across the floor at 100mph! 

them: WOOK AT HIS WITTLE FACE! YOU JUST WANNA PINCH HIS CHEEKS!
 

me: I almost ejected my innards! You cannot just spring that on me!  

them: It's adorubus spidercus hugibus. That's the latin name. 

me: Apparently, one of THESE hasn't traumatized you yet. I will be here welcoming you to my camp when it does.


them: I've sadly not seen any spiders. I'm not out in the wilderness here, which is a shame. Because I would befriend a camel spider and name him Chewbacca. 

me: Look, it says here: "Camel spiders can move at speeds over 30 MPH, screaming while they run." http://www.camelspiders.net

them:  It's them saying "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUGSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSS!" in spiderese. 

me: Aaahhh!! Scroll down to see this female soldier handling one and OMG spidergollum!

Click on photo & scroll down to see her story about her, um, "pet."

So, yeah, that's a typical conversation with me, if you bring up 8-legged creatures of doom. I'm maybe a bit preoccupied....

Philanthropy Friday (in the Making a Difference Department)

A fellow alumnus at my school created a website where people can ask for and grant wishes: Wish Upon a Hero. The site was launched last October and already 83,000 wishes have been granted. Wishes are diverse, from stickers to diapers to clothing to money and food. One person requested a donation for -- and was granted! -- LASIK eye surgery; there's such a huge variation of wishes to be granted. I think the popularity of this site is because you can help people directly and choose/know exactly how they're benefiting.

Funny Twitter updates

 I haven't posted one of these in a while. Latest addition to my funny Twitter updates archive (feel free to contribute any below for consideration to be added):

@joeveix Buying the complete DVD box set of "Hoarders" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

@gxrobillard I'm not at all impressed by Ketamine. You can achieve the same effect spending six straight hours on Facebook.

@bubblebathos ugh is anyone else having trouble loading my ex-boyfriend's Gmail?

@SamGrittner I'm just looking for a nice girl to settle out of court with.

@pattonoswalt Just got off the elliptical -- 28 min., 2.26 miles, 338 calories, still fat.

@willhines The bummer is that if Verizon works I'm going to have to actually talk to people.

@ItsThingsInLife Have you noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

@daveshumka I'm growing my prostate to raise awareness for moustache cancer.

@missrogue My secret answers to the security questions are so secret I can't even remember them.

@ebertchicago: 20% of Americans will believe that 20% of Americans will believe any damned thing.

@shitmydadsays: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"

(see more funny Twitter updates in my archive -->)

Awesome Halloween food ideas

Ack! No one would eat my cat litter cake
last year. Think they'd munch on this?

I can't decide whether to do the chest cavity creation or my traditional cat litter cake.

I scoured the net for 10 horribly awesome Halloween food ideas and just posted them on a new blog I started to celebrate the creation of things. Namely bodily adornments (like weird hair and ugly shoes sandwiched in between the occasional picture of my latest necklace), but also unusual food and home decorations too. (I established that blog to have a separate place to have fun with my upcoming craft store on Etsy where I will sell jewelry under the name The Underground Maiden.)

Launching store in two weeks (around Halloween) but couldn't help blogging about Halloween decorations now! Votes on your favorite? (You can vote here or the other blog.) --> See all 10 Halloween food ideas -->  or visit (my Facebook page)

Step 1 of the brazilian keratin treatment (AKA I am a greased alpaca today)

I just spent the last two hours locked into a weird dance with greasy hair and a flat iron.

It started with a coupon. "Get the miracle Brazilian Keratin treatment at yaddayadda salon!"

I called a friend. "I just saw their before and after pictures and I think I need to get this coupon," I said.

"How much?" She asked.

"$169," I said, "but the regular price is $400."

"Oh don't pay that. That's my stylist's normal price. She's running a special now, go see her."

I hung up the phone armed with a new number and begin scouring the web for terrible stories about the Brazilian keratin treatment hoping to talk myself out of it. But instead I find myself transfixed by this:

Before and After Photos of Brazilian Keratin Treatment

Whoa. Convinced?

Yeah, me too. Only I'm still terribly chicken about doing anything to my hair right now. It doesn't need extra help falling out. Formaldehyde does terrible things, right? I usually try to avoid bursting into flames regularly so in my reluctance, I bought an over-the-counter version that claimed to be formaldehyde free and figured okay, if this works even 20%, fine.

Steps for being me, today:

This is the stuff I used.

Step 1: Spend 2 hours on internet reading everything you can find about brazilian keratin treatment. Feel both excited that SOMETHING can maybe help your hair look awesome and terrified that the process's various formaldehydes will cause you to grow two heads (which of course will be twice as expensive for hair maintenance). Plus that last time you burst into flames wasn't that cool. Stay skeptical.

Step 2: Go to drugstore. Realize you only put 6 minutes into the meter and that won't be enough time to sniff, read and analyze every hair product they carry. Return to car. Pay for spot next to it by accident. Contemplate driving away rather than fixing mistake. Return to drugstore in disgust and rebellion, taunting parking ticket fate. Turn hate outward and abhor entire city.

Before picture demonstrating root of
 gullibility for hair products which
 promise awesome life.

Step 3: Come home with brazilian keratin treatment that sounds natural. Cocoa butter! Avocado oil! Yay to avoiding the formaldehyde! Congratulate self on superior hair-product-shopping skills.

Step 4:  Read directions 3 times. Get cold feet. Why do you need gloves to apply avocado oil? "DO NOT GET ON SKIN" touts loud warning. "USE IN WELL-VENTILATED AREA." Frown. Consider abandoning mission.

Step 5: Think about cute Halloween wig and resign to backup plan. Plus, it can't get much worse then the last experiment, right?

Step 6: Read label carefully. "Apply product to hair that is 80% dry. DO NOT OVERSATURATE."

Step 7: Oversaturate.

Step 8: Let product soak into hair for half an hour. Down two glasses of chocolate milk. Plan to buy heavy-duty trash bags to transport clothes instead of using thin kitchen bags. Decide moving preparations are complete for the day.

Step 9: Blow dry hair. Immediately understand the "DO NOT OVERSATURATE" warning. Use wide-toothed comb to pull gloppy, greasy strands straight.

After two hours of flat-ironing:
 the greasy alpaca look!

Step 10:  Turn on flat iron and wait for it to reach maximum heat setting. Sing-scream Bad Romance, only this time being sure roommate isn't home like that last time. Get to second refrain before realizing neighbor can see and hear everything through open bathroom window. Curse ventilation. Berate self for constantly participating in mortifying activities. Google "lack of impulse control."

Step 11: Start ironing hair. Become alarmed at smoky steam of residue burn off. Secretly hope this is what "sealing" keratin into the cuticle looks like because if not, that wig might actually get more use than expected.

Step 12: Finish. Realize with horror "THIS HAS TO STAY SLATHERED ON HEAD FOR TWO DAYS??" Cancel all social plans where looking presentable is desireable. (In other words, everything.) (Except moving. The movers won't care if you look like a greased alpaca.) Become angry that you gave away your only non-snowstorm hat because you thought you looked terrible in hats. Feel too embarrassed to go to store for another. Start packing.

Step 13: haha, just kidding about packing. Write blog post and take a nap!

My hair is the reason you should buy stock in CVS

Now that I just poured orange vegetable soup down my cream-colored blouse, I feel compelled to share with you the OTHER thing you'll notice about me today.

My hair.

Or rather, the mistake on top of my head.

The conversation went something like this:

Stylist: "Your hair THEEN." (Lifts limp, lifeless strand in disgust.)

Me: (frowny face) "What would make it thicker?"

Stylist: "Go DAHK. Dahk haya ees THEEK. Eet coats strand."

Me: ::blinkblink:: "Rly??"

Stylist: "YES."

Me: "Fine."

[One hour and $120.00 later...]

Me: (looking in mirror) "Aaahh!!!"

Me: (running to drugstore, buying highlighting kit.) "Maybe it will look less, um, SEVERE if I put streaks in it."

[One hour and $11.00 later...]

Me: "Aaaahhhhh!! I look like Tigger!!"

Me: (running BACK to drugstore, buying more dye) "Must... cover... orange!!"

[One Hour and $6.99 later...]

Me: "Aaaahhhhhh!!!"

So you see the theme here to my labor day weekend? Yes?

Anyway, if you see me, yes, my hair is darker. Yes, I hate it. No, I'm not touching it again. Let it wash out over time. Anyone selling a bridge? If it comes with someone promising nice tresses, I may need you to NOT introduce us.

Note: I took this pic to supplement my blog post
(no longer wearing stained shirt!)

"Don't do it. Don't get old."

An older woman stopped me in the hall yesterday. "Don't do it," she said. "Don't get old." Then she hobbled towards the elevator.

I didn't tell her what I saw. I could tell she looked at me with remembrance of her own youth. A woman who, though her face bore lines, they were marks of kindness and smiling. I thought she was beautiful, her face shining with affection as she stopped to hear about my day and share hers.

In our society, beauty is power for a woman, but it is a power which inevitably leaks away with age. I wanted to say no, I don't subscribe to that. You are still beautiful to me. Even moreso, as I see your layers of wisdom and I want to learn from them. That's the kind of beauty I want to bask in.

I remember my grandmother at 70 looking in the mirror. "My eyes used to be beautiful," she said sadly. I was only a 'tween then but I stubbornly planted myself in front of her and replied, "Grandma, they are STILL beautiful." And I meant it. I hadn't known her 18-year-old self. I knew her at 70 but she was kind to me. She smiled and this made her beautiful.

I hate the idea that we are so influenced by beauty in our society that we discard more important traits; those that must be cultivated and not just part of a genetic lotto. People magazine lists the 100 best people of the year, why only the symmetrically-blessed? Why no scientists, authors, inventors? The public face of America should include those that DO, not just those that ARE.

I have complicated feelings about plastic surgery. I support the desire to restore oneself to a previous state or repair damage, ease pain, solve a problem or correct something but if someone is doing it because they think they're not pretty enough, it makes me sad. It's even more aching when it's obvious, it's like wearing that insecurity on our redone faces. I wish people could know how beautiful they are when they smile and laugh and feel content. Nothing else matters.