If you came over, chances are I'd tell you about the hell that this house was upon moving in. How it was saturated in cat piss, covered in mold, visited upon by slugs and infested with monster spider crickets. I'm still traumatized by the experience and unleash the horror on poor unsuspecting visitors who dare comment nicely on our abode.
Yes, we chose this dwelling. And no, we somehow did not realize the nightmare that lay before us as we innocently signed papers, took the keys and happily swung open the front door only to be greeted by mephitic stenches of hell, mixtures of cat piss and mold raping our nostrils, welcoming us home.
What happened next is a gray slog of torture and hard labor involving dismantling great portions of the home followed by epic Silkwood showers in a desperate attempt to become clean by removing as many millimeters of epidermis possible before bleeding. (I originally posted pictures for family of the cat piss removal event, but sadly ran out of steam and did not document the discovery of the cricket infestation that followed.)
Pity the poor soul who announces to me now that they've just bought a house: I am bursting with depressing unsolicited advice about how to detect the presence of these monster crickets. Now the house is finally, after 7 years, warm, comfortable, pleasant-smelling and bug-free. But we are still scarred.
I know this not only because of my constant ruminations, but I see that Dan has now posted an entry about the monster spider crickets and how they permeated his consciousness during a meeting at work. (Creepy picture alert... you have been warned!) Read on... -->