So I was sitting at home today convalescing with a sore throat when I got the mail and started flipping through the latest JC Penney catalog. And found myself getting annoyed. Pages and pages of beautiful, appealing, restful-looking rooms... which are completely unrealistic.
First off, who puts a lamp on top of their book pile? Every night, I read until my eyes are swinging. Some nights, this means I only get a paragraph in. Think I'm then going to LIFT the lamp so I can stack my book neatly back in place before passing out? Um, NO.
Although admittedly, that's not as bad as this: one entire bedside table, rendered completely useless. Because of a. Snow. Globe.
And why are they showing Christmas stuff NOW?
This bedside table's a little better -- at least it shows that the being who sleeps here undergoes some sort of metabolic process necessary for life, like fluid consumption. But really, who brings an entire pitcher of water to bed unless you're planning on being there for the next 7 days? In which case I demand the catalog photo include a thermometer, 10 bottles of assorted flu medicine and sweaty, rumpled blankets.
This photo also includes a glass of water. Here, we understand, the patron has finally recovered, the pitcher is gone. But really, who still has a clock like this? The last time I did was in 6th grade. That alarm's firehouse bells blasted me out of bed every morning like audio shrapnel from a pipe bomb. No wonder I developed a neurosis to sunrise.
And now THIS ridiculous idea. "Try switching out your nightstands for a trunk!"
Sure. Every morning, take off the lamp, books, clock, water and water pitcher to file the hangnail you ripped while clawing at your cruel clock's shrill bells. And then every night, settle comfortably into bed... but wait! You must moisturize your hands. You do this every night, remember? Remove lamp, books, clock, water and pitcher, slather hands with slippery jasmine-scented lotion and gingerly replace lamp, books, clock, water and pitcher (coating each with a thin layer of oil). Oops, now your bedmate/houseguest/child wants some lotion too? Remove lamp, books... ah, you get the idea.
Here is an actual picture of my own bedside table.
Sure, it's not as pretty, especially as I didn't clean it up for this entry, but it's REAL:
Note especially the tissues. Did any of the above bedside tables have tissues? What, do catalog folks pick & fling? Oh yeah, and also note the phone. Not a single iPod alarm clock, cell charger or bit of electronics. Completely unrealistic for today's growing techno-geek population.
To me, this just means "As long as you spend $10,000" (per window)!
This is so cute. But also completely unrealistic. I don't have room for shelves with nothing useful on them. Shelves in my abode wear mostly books.
Another example of a lamp sitting on top of books. This particularly irritates me because I LOVE to read. To show books as a useless decorative piece is blasphemous.
More books stored under things. Utterly useless things, I might add.
In what living room would you ever place the chair in front of the fireplace?
Another example of furniture blocking the fireplace. Here, guests would be seated pointing away from it. Sure, there are raging flames in your house, but don't bother keeping an eye on them or anything.
I included this photo because I don't understand the chair situation. How are you supposed to use this? Is it supplemental seating so extra visitors can perch uncomfortably while watching you lounge on your cozy chaise? Or are they for mealtimes in front of the tube, where you can hunch over your food while sitting on a bicycle seat?
This cabinet is cute, even if it does look like it's covered in circus pig blood. But I include it here because in my house, it would never look this neat. Cabinets STORE stuff. And that stuff doesn't look nice. Frosted glass or wood doors, please.
Now this is gorgeous. I love it. But I need to point something out. In WHO'S home have you ever seen a basket of soaps on the floor in front of the shower stall? (That you would invariably crush during the morning frenzy, especially after your senses were assaulted by five-alarm-fire bells?) And who takes a shower with candles? A bath, maybe. But this is a shower. Last I heard, fire and running water didn't mix so well.
Also, the toiletries in this room all match. Where's the hair dryer, curlers, anti-frizz oil, wrinkle cream, zit medicine, tweezers, and other necessaries that aren't so pretty? There's not a single cabinet to hide those things in.
Bed Head would not fit here.
Sorry. I guess you can only style your hair with products that match your bathroom.
WHY are blankets always depicted with generous swaths of cozy fabric flowing to the floor? In reality, you have to fight to get three inches to peek over the edge. This invariably ends up in a restless evening spent sleepfighting for covers all night.
I know they're displaying a king blanket on a queen bed here but they won't say this. You're just supposed to KNOW. But king folks can't do this trick, there's nothing to upsize to. Can't you just MAKE blankets larger??
The world according to Spleeness: useful bedside tables, easily accessible books, flowing blankets and lots of cabinets with closed doors! Maybe I should start a business.
I'm not alone, it turns out. See Surfie Says...