Sunday, March 14, 2010

Update. And thank you.

Sigh. Maybe I should call this blog "Spleeness's catalogue of loss."

But I haven't lost her yet.

I've been visiting a friend in the hospital the past few of days; someone on the tail end of a brutal fight with cancer that is expected to end soon. It's gutting. I have so much I want to write about but I'm not sure how right now. She's not dead yet. And recording it now somehow feels like I'd be writing a eulogy and I just can't. Right now I am trying to celebrate her life, spend what little time there is left together. Later I will deal with the loss. Not now.

I wanted to thank you for coming to my blog and reading my words. My last post was heavy. But I've been thinking. If loss is what makes us old, then what makes us young must be a sense of community. And I get that from you. In ways you may not even fully realize, you have been here for me.

Thank you.


Rebecca said...

Living in the moment is something that doesn't come naturally to me, and I've been trying very hard to work at it. At a time like this, when you know that the moments are numbered, you are so right to try and experience them as fully as possible without the distractions of the future.

I know just how difficult an experience this is for you. But I can tell you this. I realized, when I was going through this exact same thing with my father, that we are lucky to have those moments to cherish even though they are often filled with suffering. Those who are stricken by sudden death, and their loved ones, don't have these moments. And many would have given anything to have them.

Wishing for you and your friend the strength to get through these final days and beyond, with much peace and as little suffering as possible.

P said...

I am so sorry to hear about your friend. Hope you are okay and make sure you have some great memories of your time together before she goes. x

Julie M. said...

I have to think, that like Rebecca said, even through some sadness and suffering, it's good sometimes for both sides (the sick, and the family/friends) to have the knowledge and the time. A friend's mother just passed from cancer, and he even asked her this question....and she said she was glad to have had the time with the knowledge her days would be coming to an end sooner than later. It was a time that, with the knowledge, she put full effort into putting her things 'in order' and cherishing her time with family and friends.

My Mother passed suddenly. While it wasn't instantaneous, she had a heart attack in the morning, and eventually passed away about 12 hours later. She was unconscious when I saw her, and while I felt as if she could hear *me*, she certainly couldn't talk. I couldn't help but feel like if there was any cognitive function going on, that my Mom would have hated that she wasn't able to really put things 'in order', and spend at least some last moments talking with us.

I also just lost a friend tragically and unexpectedly (the Sea World trainer that was killed), and likewise I really hate that I won't be able to spend time with her like I had put off doing because of schedule, kids, or whatever.

Ugly as it is, I'm glad you have some time to be there with your talk, or just hold her hand, or whatever. Love to you both.

melissa said...

oh, holly. i am so sorry you are losing a friend. so so sorry.

i love you desperately.

spleeness said...

@Rebecca: thank you so much for your kind words. I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. Mourning the losses of friends seems so trivial compared to that of a parent. You're right that losing someone suddenly gives you no chance to say goodbye. It's awful. :(

@P: thanks for your sweet comment... it makes a big difference to have a support network now...

@Julie: Oh man, I remember reading that you were friends with the whale trainer. So tragic. And I know you went through this with your mom and didn't even have the time to get used to her being gone. It's so hard to have a sense of peace when someone is taken from you like that -- especially a parent. I'm so sorry. There are no words. :(

@melissa: I can feel your love, Melis. Thank you for being here for me, it means a lot.


I am humbled in the face of all these varied experiences of loss and also the outpouring of support. I want to give a big cyber bear hug to everyone who bears the mark of having loved and lost on their hearts and likewise offer you a shoulder in a time of need.

lacochran said...


Suburban Sweetheart said...

Hang in there - I'm so, so sorry to hear about your friend. Please do celebrate her life and enjoy her presence while you're able, no matter how sad or heavy it may feel. And take care of yourself. <3

linda said...

Holly, your post and everyone's comments are just beautiful. That we all have experienced this means that we all are human having this human experience. No one makes it out of here alive. I'm happy that you are visiting her and cherishing each moment that you can with her. Please keep writing your beautiful writing. It helps us all.

Love and hugs,

Surfie said...

I'm so very sorry about your friend. :( When my little brother had Lymphoma, it took him fast. He died 2 days short of reaching 6 months after diagnosis, and he spent half of those months paralyzed from the neck down - something the doctors never could explain. Your friend is very lucky to have you.

Maybe you could write up something about all the fond memories you have of your life together and share some of your feelings about how you expect you'll feel without her. She might like to read what's written in your heart.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog for a few months now, having discovered it through The QC Report. Your visuals are confections for the eye, your wit is always fresh, and your truth is clean and clear. Thank you-it's hard to find those qualities in today's world.

Your pain is tangible in your words. I wish I had wisdom to ease your suffering, but all I can be is one more set of eyes reading your words, one more spirit that is touched by your suffering-and that sends you all the support that can be accepted by a stranger, from a stranger.

You are a gift to your friend who is in the hospital and the one of whom you dream. There is no higher calling than to ease the passing of a loved one, on either plane. That you are willing and able to do so gives me pause to wonder if I will have that strength when I'm called upon to serve in that role. I hope so.

You are a model of strength of spirit to us all.


geekhiker said...

Sorry to hear about your friend. I've witnessed the same myself, and it shakes you to the core. I hope you find solace in the web, your rl friends and close ones.

All the best.

spleeness said...

I am humbled and heartened by the kind words and support poured forth. You made me tear up. How could I ever say thank you enough??

<3 you all.

aishaj said...

I saw your tweet last night - I'm so sorry and my heart goes out to you and your friends family. If you need anything please let me know...

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