Funny Twitter updates, volume 2

My favorite recent funny twitter updates (volume 2 of funny twitter updates! Link to volume 1 below):

@h1661n5: "Show me on the doll where Fort Meade touched you."

@adamcarolla: Watching my daughter playing with her ipad. I had an ipad when I was her age, it was called an etch-a-sketch. #freakout

@jeremyscahill: They said people traveling WITH small children may board, not people who travel LIKE small children.

@darthvader: Tell me why you should be the 6000th person I follow and make it good or the Earth gets it.

@TeleEroticist: CBT Line. It doesn't stand for cognitive behavioral therapy.

@landismom: Potato: "Why do they call it a field trip? You don't go to a field, and you don't trip."

@Pollypoptart: Colleague to me: "the only person I know with more sordid stories than you is my mate Fraser." Me: "is he hot?" #priorities

@LivitLuvit: I've realized I specify who people are by using their Twitter handles as their last name. Ex: "You know... Maxie @ihatesomuch."

@ClevelandPoet: and just like that the momentum I thought I felt crumbles and falls away.

@frijolita: Its an escalator, touristas. Not a cyborg. No need to approach it w extra caution.

@JimGaffigan: My neighbor just committed suicide. So weird. I was just talking to him yesterday. I told him no one loved him.

@capitalweather: Wednesday's Digit: 3/10 - Broken-record heat, humidity & storm chance is not only uncomfortable, but also kind of boring at this point.

@TFLN (662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

@floogee: Red line slow today due to an earlier incident. I define that incident as the moment #wmata went into business.

@darthvader: I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

@OneFineJay: Late good morning y'all! It's Monday. I usually have a hate-hate relationship with Monday, but today I feel non-commital.

@quinncy: Dear Hell, you now hold less fear for me. Signed, person currently enjoying Los Angeles weather.

@micahpearson: Express is about to do their "Best of" issue. I want to do the "Best 5 places in DC I got food poisoning"

@Ind1fference: at Cracker Barrel ordering everything on the menu twice

@ihatesomuch: Regret and shame, its what's for breakfast.

@ClevelandPoet: I'm trying to make this day not have a fail but damn is it kicking and screaming the whole time.

@axidentalredhed: "I saw this sign the other day that said, 'this door must remain closed at all times.' And I was like, 'dude, you're thinking of a wall.'"

@Pollypoptart: Have now entered the insane stage of sleep deprivation. Hallucination. Just thought I saw a bra on my desk... there wasn't.

@noblelawyer: "I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants." (Saw on a friend's key chain last night.)

@joeldavidmoore: This just in: Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

@JimGaffigan: I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

@h1661n5: Just saw a wireless network named "dungeon" and another named "kitchen" and wondered if they were in the same house and, well, whoa.

@flipflopsinrain: Most awkward auto correct ever: when 'well, fuck' becomes 'we'll fuck'. Sent by your brother.

@jadabradley: Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

@danecook: I'm so glad I'm not married to my work because I'd definitely bang other jobs behind it's back.


@h1661n5: "Holy shit dude, running security at Pride sucked. Was like being a kindergarten teacher. 'Don't drink all that! Put your pants back on!'"

@ihatesomuch: the amount of cleaning i did today makes me want to marry myself.

@LivitLuvit: I just caught myself thinking: "I should wash a load of linens on Saturday"... and then a piece of my soul died.

@matthewbaldwin: I rarely have the satisfaction of a job well done, so I've grown content with the satisfaction of a job ... well, "done".

@ihatesomuch: Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them. Its that kind of day.

@matthewbaldwin: I believe the children are our future. That's why my experimental time machine uses their blood as fuel.

@jadabradley: I decided to give myself the treat of sleeping in. The neighbors decided to have a shouting match. Clearly we are not on the same page.


@sween: Me: "Wanna snuggle?" Wife: "Ugh. Fine." [Snuggles up.] Me: "This is my favorite part of the day." Wife: "I have vomit in my mouth."

@ganson: Watching my coworkers using computers is like watching a caveman who just discovered fire. Lots of grunting and someone is getting burned.

Now, this was volume 2, view the
Funny twitter update (ARCHIVE) -->

Any funny tweets to suggest? Either put in comments or email me (spleeness@yahoo.com) and I'll include in my next volume. Thx!

The (adorable) pest in the house

My dog is a complete ingrate. He makes me feel like I'm living with a homeless person. Or at the very least, a rude and pesky roommate who sees me only as a giant bag of gold, the mere sight of my person only serving as a reminder of money. "Oh hey, it's you. Can I borrow a twenty?"

Except instead of money, the dog wants something infinitely more valuable to him: freedom.

He wants only to go outside.

This is ALL he wants, ever.

Gazing longingly at the seemingly unreachable outside.

"Oh, hey, it's you. Can you let me out?" (<-- if this dog could speak, this is all he would say.) I just took him for a one-mile run. The minute I got home, turned the key and cracked open the front door, he bolted through my legs to the back, sending me spinning. He stood there panting and pleading at the back (as if he had NOT just sniffed the urine of 278 trees, shrubs, and bushes mere moments earlier) and threw himself against the glass, screaming for freedom as if he'd been locked in a tiny crate for 19 hours and OHMYGOD, bladder life is 19 hours and 1 second and if I wait ONE SECOND LONGER he will explode all over the tile floor. And boy will I be sorry.

He shrieks all this at me, warning me there will be trouble. Except he's still panting from the run. He doesn't NEED to go out. There cannot possibly be even an eighth of an ounce left in him. I have no idea why he acts like this.

Some background: this dog has THE. LIFE. He is exercised multiple times a day, fed wild Alaskan salmon, showered with toys, cuddled (but only during thunderstorms, otherwise he does not like to be touched), anti-mosquitoed/ticked/bugged, his cushions fluffed before bed, and he's scratched and scritched in the acceptable places (like, his ass). This is a good life for a creature. Heck, I'd apply but the household is not accepting any new applicants for spoiled beast.

A typical scene: my left foot hovers over the top step as I begin to descend from upstairs. The dog spies this and springs to life from living room.

"Oh hey!! Hey! As long as you're coming down this way, could you maybe open the door? Please?"

But I just let him in 10 minutes ago. I am now on a mission for water, for myself; since no one will feed/water me, I have to do it myself. I check his bowl just to make sure he's not thirsty, and get a glass for me.

He crowds my legs as I'm drinking. Nudge nudge.

"Excuse me. Um, that door over there? Could you maybe just craaack it open? Just a bit? Just a little bit. Please?"

I ignore him and down the glass.

"The DOOR." nudge nudge.

I am unmoved. I start downing more fluid.

"Hm. Maybe you didn't hear me? I just need out. Over there? Let me show you." (Runs to back door, then back to me again.)

"See? Just right there."

I set down the glass again and ignore his request, thinking good, I am using my ape brain to not be manipulated by a canine.

"LOOK," he wags desperately, "there's like RABBITS and stuff back there. You just don't understand. I. NEED. to. GO. OUT."

(a pic in which he finally gets his wish...
Still leaping and screaming and excited....)

His message gets more insistent. Maybe it ends with a good body slam (rattling both the sliding door AND my nerves) or maybe just a twisting leap in the air accompanied by what I call his "nervous yap" -- the noise he emits during a small mammal sighting. It doesn't quite resemble a bark, more like a cross between a freshly disemboweled but living hyena and a barn owl. Whatever it is, I can unequivocally state that it is a most decidedly unrelaxing noise.

And that is how I end my night. Any wonder why it takes me so long to unwind??

Digging, anyone? Bueller?

The dog, blindsided by a cannonball while I watch...


Leaps and bounds happen both IN the house and out.
These are Dan's photos, more pictures of the dog are on his blog.

"I did three things yesterday! Now I'm supposed to keep doing things? It's like the things never end!"

I'm borrowing this image from Deva, who's post on being overloaded made me laugh, though I was too overwhelmed myself to actually comment on it.

Po Bronson wrote, in an introduction to his book on relationships, "Why Do I Love These People" about his own divorce. This didn't make it into the online clip I just linked to, but he talked about what life was like right after he separated. He said he went to a rooming house and fell off the edge of the earth. For months. He holed up there, retracting from the world into a tight, unpenetrable ball, not communicating or responding to anyone.

I feel like this lately.

Looking for a new place and just... I dunno... dealing with the logistics of this huge change has been incredibly draining. That's not even including the taxing whirlwind of thoughts like: "omg, people we were mutually friends with are still being nice to me?" and "I work with the nicest, kindest people in the world who are so sweet and not judging me at all;" and "my friends, incredible friends who walk on water for me ALL the time, thy awesomeness amazeth me;" and "wow, even the lawyer with the awesome marriage didn't judge me for my failure;" and "my new landlord seemed to understand my spleen and didn't mind renting to it anyway."

Every day I feel a sense of gratitude and I think there are important lessons here, this won't be the first time in your life that you'll have to reinvent your definition of yourself; that will happen with every loss.

Or change.

Maybe the only constant in life is change.

I think these things and I breathe and I make it through another day.

I see my inbox piling up with messages from friends who check in to see how I'm doing. I read their emails and smile, sometimes misty-eyed, grateful to know so many wonderful people. I've developed the terrible habit of replying in my head, thinking that sweet message deserves so much more than what I have time for now; I'll write back later.

And then later doesn't come. I sink into bed at night, exhausted, welcoming the oblivion that sleep brings.

I stole a recent Facebook status from Hyperbole and a Half:

"I'm doing pretty well! I can breathe and beat my heart like a $#*@(& champion!"

"I did three things yesterday! Now I'm supposed to keep doing things? It's like the things never end!"

This entire next month, the act of packing, moving and travel threatens consume what little energy I have but I'm hoping to devote at least some weekend time to blogging and catching up on emails. (I've given up on this as a weekday activity, but Saturdays bring hope... IF I'm not on the road.)

So lately, this has been me. From Quinn Cummings' blog:

I have developed a wonderful new personality trait: if I think about doing something long enough, I start to think I actually did it . For example, I might need to return the call of someone who has very kindly checked in to see if I’m dead.

[I don’t like talking on the phone so I encourage people to email me, which I then don’t answer. People frequently think I’m dead and not just when I choose to wear lemon yellow.]

So in my mind, I think: "call Betsy-not-her-real-name and get caught up". Only, getting caught up takes a while and I usually only think of calling people when I have just dropped Daughter off at a class and I want company for the three trips around the block it will take to find a parking space. That’s not enough time to get caught up. In my mind, getting caught-up takes at least forty-five minutes and with each week that passes I have to add another extra five minutes to atone for being the kind of person who drops off the face of the earth. Each time I think of Betsy-not-her-real-name, I flinch for a second and then I say sternly to myself “YOU HAVE TO CALL HER.”

Weeks would pass like this. Until recently, my only hope was that we would run into one another in a public space where I could blubber my apologies for being an indifferent communicator and she could determine I was alive but rude. [CONTINUE]

I have tossed my only lemon-yellow shirt into the donation pile; next to tackle are the messages and phone calls. I'll get there eventually...

What do you do to recharge when you're depleted? Maybe I just need to allow myself to wallow in huge amounts of space until I'm ready to resurface. That happens in increments, it seems.

the perfect target: a "No Target Shooting" sign...

My dad took this photo in Alaska. The "No Target Shooting" sign seems to make a perfect target...

To discuss 15 recent things (including such topics as anal glands & food poisoning, because I love you)

So, Andy "Andrew" Awesome at Wild Ars Chase just made a list of 50 things about himself. I started laughing long before I saw #44; I knew I had to write a list too.

His list:

44. At no point during the pet adoption process do they tell you that you will become intimately involved with the mannerisms of your dog's sphincter as a method of forecasting bowel movements. But it's true.

45. Oops, did I kill the mood?

ha! Ok, my list, but I'm only doing 15:

1. I almost never talk about my dog in person without mentioning some observed weird canine behavior because I'm awkward like that and this, to me, is "small talk." Don't get caught alone with me in an elevator.

2. Oops, did I kill the mood?

3. No? Ok. Well, I almost choked on an antibiotic pill the size and shape of a lego this morning. That's hot, right?

4. Yesterday I collected 2 large heavy boxes of books and lugged them 45 minutes away to a specialized used bookstore dreaming of all the cash I'd collect. I hauled them up many stairs, motivated only by the generous bounty surely awaiting. They gave me FOUR. DOLLARS. Don't remind me how much a gallon of gas costs these days.

5. I also got the world's most boring fortune cookie: "It is a nice day." I guess this is the best the universe could do with my current state of ruin.
6. Recently, I did an annual scleroderma walk with family in memory of my dad's mom. A complete stranger approached us halfway through said, "here, I'd like to make a donation," handing over a $20 bill. We were so touched. He must have a story. I felt like we were walking for all who have stories of loss. Dad & I: 7. The cat is still shredding all my toilet paper. (<-- thanks, feline. This is awesome to come home to.)
8. I spent last weekend admiring the community art projects of Penn Station, NY, in-between bouts of food poisoning:
When not hunched over clutching my abdomen though, I enjoyed walking around Times Square:

Times Square, NYC

Saw the King Tut exhibit at the Discovery exhibit center:

Discovery Time Square King Tut exhibit

9. Also, friends have been helping me through tough times:

No, a waiter is not peeing -- he's pouring olive oil
from a great height while friends look on and laugh.

Live entertainment by rock stars

Met up with bloggy/Twitter friends
(yes, we all met online!)

Spending lotsa time with mom

10. My car recently hit 100K miles:
11. And I made the intriguing discovery that people who wear toed socks are very comfortable:
12. And that someone, somewhere, WILL spend $80,000 on a necklace:
13. I cried at Toy Story 3.

14. My sis just graduated nursing school!

sis, graduation day

And I'm borrowing my last one from Andy:

15. Even when I don't get to post all the time, I still love that you guys keep coming back. Have a great 4th!