Tuesday, August 31, 2010

To lose one pound, double-click your mouse six million times.


I hate the word "diet." It implies the temporary eating of cardboard-like substances that will melt away all the wrong parts of my body but not my ass. I can't just pretend I'll never eat junk food again, peeps. Get real.

And so I don't diet. I have never dieted.

For most of my life weight has never been an issue. But that all changed when I took... (drumroll)... CLARITIN.

Yep, that's right. The allergy med. I put on some weight and asked my doc what's going on? He tested my thyroid and other stuff but it all looked good.

Then he asked me, "are you taking any medicines?"

Uh yeah. Just Claritin. (For the horrid bugbites at right. Note: there are 16 welts in this pic alone -- the entire leg had like 70. How was I not anemic? I hope the little over-engorged bloodsucking bastards dropped dead immediately upon finishing their feast.)

Well, it turns out that Claritin makes people hungry. In fact, it's so effective at this that doctors sometimes prescribe it to old people who need to gain weight.

This is where I learned that weight, once you put it on, is extremely hard to take off.

I wrote this post because I wanted to share what I learned while playing the losing game.


About fat

Researchers are starting to think fat acts more like a system rather than just a lil' ol' cell. Lots of complex stuff happens so I'll cite findings here:
"The medical profession’s advice to overweight patients used to be straightforward: Eat less, exercise more. Today scientists know it’s not that simple. The body monitors—and defends—its energy stores with an arsenal of potent molecules. One of these is the so-called hunger hormone, ghrelin, perhaps the most powerful appetite stimulant yet discovered. In June researchers at UCLA reported how exposure to ghrelin could help explain why some of us consistently overeat." ~Discover magazine
"Ghrelin appears to suppress fat utilization in adipose (fat) tissue. This may explain why dieters who lose weight and then try to keep it off make more ghrelin than they did before dieting. It's as if their bodies are fighting to regain the lost fat, researchers reported in the New England Journal of Medicine. In short, their bodies seem to be trying to hold on to fat stores in case there is another "famine."" ~eNotAlone.com

"...Fat cells around the abdomen produce an appetite-inducing hormone known as Neuropeptide Y (NPY). Researchers have always believed that only the brain produces the hormone NPY. But leading study author Dr. Kaiping Yang, found that the abdominal fat in obese rats also produced the hormone.... it sends signals to the individual that they are constantly hungry." ~Natural News
"Eat too much sugar and you may end up storing it in your belly -- when you eat sweets, your body releases insulin which causes fats in your bloodstream to be moved into the fat cells." Dr.Mirkin.com
I am also convinced (but don't know if research will verify) that the more sweets I eat, the stronger the cravings. Would going cold-turkey suffice? I like sugar too much to find out. I can't imagine myself as the calorie gestapo.

If you are like me, here are some things you can do to improve your health without dieting.

10 Things you can do to lose weight
(9 before I even mention exercise!)

1. Maybe your meds are making you fat. Some medications do cause weight gain. (See Prescription drugs that cause weight gain, by Johns Hopkins Health Alerts.)

2. Get lots of sleep. Being sleep-deprived makes you release cortisol, which makes you hungry. (See Stress affects body and mind from NIH.)

3. Stressed? Do things that calm you -- dive into a good book, take a long bath, listen to good music, practice yoga or stretching. Stress causes cortisol to be released which... guess... yup! It makes you hungry. (See How stress causes weight gain, from the Washington Times.)

4. Don't diet. It lowers your metabolism. Eat small meals every few hours. And eat things that are satiating, like nuts (not too many -- they're good for you but no more than about, say, 15 cashews or almonds or 6 macadamia nuts, since they're so calorie-dense). Also good: fruits, veggies and high-fiber carbs. (See One big meal versus many small meals a day from Columbia University's Go Ask Alice column.) If you're managing diabetes or another health condition, be sure to follow your doctor's nutrition advice: apples may be ok for me but not necessarily for a diabetic.

(My big downfall is managing my cravings so more on that in a bit. We all know what we should be eating, it's just actually doing it.)

5. Don't eat diet soda or sugar-free sweets. Research is showing that eating sweet things makes the brain expect a big caloric intake. And when it doesn't come, it will make you hunger for more until you take in the amount of calories it expected. (See Drink more diet soda, gain more weight?, by WebMD.)

6. Don't drink juice. It fills the body with empty calories and ends up making you hungry. (Juice as bad as soda, docs say, from CBS news.)

7. Get enough calcium and vitamin D. This also helps with mood. Did you ever see the "Got Milk?" commercial portraying an army of earnest men diving for the supermarket's milk stores? It cited a study on calciums association with PMS relief:



See also Dodging weight gain with vitamin D, from Brigham and Women's Hospital and Add extra calcium to low-fat diet from WebMD.

8. Stay hydrated. The body often confuses thirst for hunger and dehydrated people often end up eating when they really need fluids. (Curing afternoon hunger cravings, from eHow.)

9. Fidget. Fidgeting burns calories. (Fidgety folks burn more calories, from ABCnews.com.)

10. Exercise. Ideally, incorporate 3 different kinds of exercise into your routine:
  • cardio (burns fat): you should be able to talk but not sing -- that's a good indicator of heart rate (how to tell if you're working hard enough). Start off doing as much as you can and work your way up. If one minute is all you can do, fine. Before you know it, you'll be up to 2 minutes, 3 minutes, and so on.

    The biggest problem: How to stick to it? Make it fun. If that means kicking it to Beyonce, go! Or get a workout partner or join a gym. Some gyms offer nice perks like a ladies-only section or a cinema room. Working out in the dark while watching movies, totally NOT thinking about how much I hate the treadmill? Awesome.

    Recently I was on a stairclimber when two girls poked their heads into the gym and peered, horrified, at all the moving people and hissed, "SEE! I TOLD you it was full!" before disappearing. There was plenty of room, they just wanted their privacy. I understood how awkward they felt because I was also shy when I first started visiting the gym. I thought everyone would notice the clumsy new person doing everything wrong. I wanted to tell those girls what I know now: no one is judging anyone else. They're all preoccupied with what they're doing, no one else is scrutinized with a microscope. It took me a while before I realized this but it was months before I felt comfortable. (Your experience might be totally different than mine though; I can be freakishly shy sometimes.)

  • strength training (makes muscle, which also raises your metabolism and prevents osteoporosis): I used to worry that lifting weights would make me bulky and mannish but you know what? Genetics dictates that, not exercise. A male fitness trainer once explained this to me, detailing his own exercise regime while flexing to prove that he himself was not a quarterback despite the effort. Plus, being in shape is sexy no matter how you wear it. And the more muscle mass you have, the more calories you burn when you're NOT working hard. Also, muscle is leaner than fat so your clothes will fit better even if you don't lose weight. It might even look like you've gained, as muscle weighs more than fat; use your clothes, not just the scale, as an indicator of progress.

  • stretching: I used to volunteer at a physical therapy clinic and learned there that the number one factor dictating how quickly someone would recover from an accident was their flexibility. During a car accident, muscles get stretched and torn. If they're limber, they'll be less likely to rip. My philosophy is, if you do NOTHING else, at least stretch. You'll likely end up motivated to do more. Getting started really IS half the battle -- ease yourself into a regimen for at least 28 days (how long it takes to establish a habit) and see how fluid a routine becomes.

Also? It's about attitude.

Have a setback? Don't be too harsh on yourself. It's not even physically possible to gain massive weight from one bad day or even one bad weekend. The key is to love yourself the way you are, not punish yourself for perceived failures. Your body has carried you a long way and deserves appreciation no matter its shape. Anytime you are working to improve your health you deserve kudos.

Cravings... how to cope. Some thoughts (and your suggestions?)

Every time you have an opportunity to put something in your mouth, think twice about it. Suppose it's candy... ask yourself why do you want this? Are you really hungry? Could your hunger really be thirst? Did you just hear someone else open a candy wrapper and now you want one too? Learn from it and next time you'll be better equipped to deal with this weakness. Expect it. Anticipate the afternoon snack binge and arm yourself accordingly.

I like to snack on chicken broth, artichokes (vinaigrette seems to dull the craving for sweets), tea, sugar free jello, popcorn, plain yogurt and hot chicken wings. (Trader Joe's sometimes carries Buffalo Chicken Wings -- it seems counterintuitive to microwave chicken and be pleased with the results but this brand seems to be an exception). I'm always looking for new ideas too.

So, what do you do to avoid temptation when the cravings hit?

.............................
Further reading (not sponsored articles, I handpicked these because I thought the information was sound -- they're not ads):

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

hhhhate foodshopping.

I started composing this before I moved (during a particularly epic bout of Food Jenga).


I absolutely LOATHE foodshopping. The entire process of picking, choosing, planning, and securing a week's worth of food sends chills up my spine. I would rather write six TPS reports than figure out the ingredients needed for five days of home-cooked, free-range, pesticide-free, locally-grown, animal-cruelty-free meals whose cost rivals the gross domestic product of a small developing nation.

It starts when I try to delay the whole thing. I begin playing the game Let's Graze on Hate in an effort to redeem previous bad decisions and see how long I could last on lukewarm cans of white cannelini beans and stewed tomatoes.

I called a friend recently to whine about the horrors of modern hunting/gathering.

me: "I cannot STAND foodshopping."

friend: "yeah?"

me: "YES. The PLANNING. Like, remembering to get chicken stock, but then why buy something I can make, and then wanting to brown the meat but oops, I've run out of sherry, and forgot if I used pepper in the flour last time or not, and darnit, I only have peppercorns, not pepper and the peppercorn grinder is broken. And cutting all the fat out is so time-consuming."

friend: "huh."

me: "There's like, 2 hours of cooking for a meal that takes 15 minutes to engulf but an hour to clean up! And that doesn't even include the hours it takes to buy it all and put it away. Yuck."

friend: "Um, I don't really have those problems."

me: "Really? Huh. Well, so then I start to play this game of Ingredients Jenga. Like, what could I do with odd groceries lingering around. How could I piece things together to make a meal?"

friend: "That's kindof weird."

me: "But it helps me avoid foodshopping."

friend: " "

me: "Don't you do this? Doesn't EVERYONE?"

friend: "Um. No."

me, incredulous: "You don't try to see how long you could live off the food you already have? Like see if you could take that can of coconut milk and mix it with rice and spices and canned chestnuts?"

[crickets]

me: sigh

I have an entire cupboard of things I can't stand but somehow ended up in the house anyway: a five pound bag of (what looks like) poisonous mushrooms from China, 17 cans of sardines from my mom, 11 year-old bean thread noodles that I don't know how to cook and a galactic supply of 8-year-old raisins.

The raisins were a point of contention. After the third move (they took up one entire cupboard), I wanted to scrap them. "Do we really need this many raisins?" I asked."They can't possibly still be edible. I mean, don't they expire or something?" (Heh. Somehow I could see eating a 12 year old bar of chocolate but raisins, now, that's another story.)

I would say this story ends well, but really, it just ends. The raisins were finally tossed, but the sardines, well, I ate them.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

Funny twitter updates, volume 3


@ResideCharlotte: Instead of Zillow emailing me to say how much my home dropped in value, they mailed a book of matches and a oily rag.

TheBloggess: True story: I just got an email from Sandra Bullock. She's in Nigeria & needs me to launder 5.5 million dollars. Things are looking up.








@sohear: My new fridge/freezer keeps looking at me in silence. We need to break the ice.


@LookItsBRay:
Her look is less "do me" & more "ouch, my neck hurts and these heels are killing me".

@USMC: To our USMC followers: We thank you for your good humor! Spelling mistakes happen sometimes...So no, there were no Marines in tights



@laughstooeasily: One if these days I'm going to remember not to stretch my arms up into the ceiling fan. Today is not that day.



@ChrisThilk: Every time someone shortens "Thanks" to "THX" George Lucas gets $.05.



@richramirez1: I don't think I've ever seen a cute girl get in or get out of a Pontiac Gran Prix.

@Carissajaded: Alright. Finished The Secret. Now universe please send me another inspirational book. Less BS though.


@ganson: When I fixed my bike last night, I said I would ride to work today come "hell or high water". No hell yet, but we do have high water!



@thordora: Why am I amused? RT @harringtonctv:Saint John Police attempting to negotiate with man who has strapped himself to an overpass in the city

@thordora: I'm not mean but...how do you strap yourself to an overpass?
Now, this was volume 3, view the
Funny twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->

Saturday, August 14, 2010

An (unsuccessful) conversation with my hair

Me: good morning!

Hair: nnngghh.

Me: Rise and shine!

Hair: SHINE?? Did you say "shine"?? You did, didn't you. bwahahaha!!

Me: seriously. We need to get up.

Hair: you're kidding. Waking us up at 5 am to embark on a 4 hour drive? But we haven't had our beauty sleep!

Me: yeah, yeah. Suck it up. I don't have time to listen to you whine, we've got to go.

Hair: hmph. Good luck with that:


I think my perpetually frizzy locks must be karmic paybacks for unkindly sheering sheep or something in a past life.

I sometimes idly wonder what it would be like to have awesome hair the way someone might noncommittally ponder the lifestyle of a billionaire: not like it's ever going to happen to me so no use in entertaining any serious thought about the matter.

Most of the time, Hair and I do not speak; we go by the unspoken rule that *it* will resemble sickly medusa's snakes and *I* will benefit by feeling so hideous I won't ever pay much attention to outward appearance and thus concentrate only on inner growth. It's worked so far, but even this morning was a new low. The storm that knocked out power for two days effectively rendering electric styling apparati useless has made the strands grumpy and prone to rise in revolt.

Tune in next week to "as the strand frizzes!" to see the drama unfold, or tell me your best hair-care tip below. Maybe I can crowdsource some sense into these follicles.

(posted via phone)

...................
EPILOGUE:

So, I was on the way to a baby shower, about to see folks I hadn't laid eyes on in some time and I desperately wanted to look at least a LITTLE presentable. Was grappling with how, when I suddenly realized... I was in *NJ*. Of COURSE I could pretend my overnight bag was a purse and slip into some public restroom with a set of curlers to iron out the frizzies:
Tweet stream from the restroom:
Well, I just blogged about my hair, of all things. It's that awful today. Except I can't get the img to upload. Help me trblshoot?

Dudes. I just realized I'm in *NJ*. of *course* I could pretend overnight bag is a purse & lug curlers into bathrm.

Right now, someone in a Toms River Walgreens is tweeting about the weirdo curling her hair in the public restroom.

You know how in Doom/Quake you can roll over a first aid kit and get like 10% health? I just got 10% less hideous. Ready for baby shower.
How I envy women with hair that doesn't hate them....

Monday, August 9, 2010

Kaddish for an ending

I'm moving tomorrow. As a tribute to my last evening here in the home I've lived for the past 9 years, I'd like to say Kaddish.

What is Kaddish? According to the Wikipedia, Kaddish is a Jewish prayer usually referred to in mourning though it technically speaks of the reverence for God:

The central theme of the Kaddish is the magnification and sanctification of God's name. In the liturgy different versions of the Kaddish are used functionally as separators between sections of the service. The term "Kaddish" is often used to refer specifically to "The Mourners' Kaddish", said as part of the mourning rituals in Judaism in all prayer services as well as at funerals and memorials. When mention is made of "saying Kaddish", this unambiguously denotes the rituals of mourning.

I do not practice religion, though I deeply respect those who do (and that means all religions), but my background is Jewish and so I'd like to grieve this experience in a way that feels natural as a meager attempt at some small semblance of closure. I'm going to make up my own ceremonial piece inspired from several verses, changing the words of traditional graveside prayers to suit the death of a part of my life.

Dead tree, Grand Canyon (South Rim) at sunset. I took this last year.

Peace be to thy spirit dear one. I hope that thou dwellest safely under the stars. And yet, to think that thou no more art with me, grieves the heart and saddens the thought. I have come to the place where the past has come to rest and I pray for the strength and the will to become a better person, that I may practice the grace, kindness and poise of those who are better examples than I, and to strive to be the kind of person worthy of the gift of life. The past experiences will be forever written upon my heart and set up as a memorial before my eyes. I wish for the strength to carry forward and hope that one day there may be a sense of peace around what is now a very painful time.

I place trust in those who are a source of gratitude and strength in this time of sorrow. Though a link has been severed from the chain of my past, I hope to honor it with serious contemplation and further thought as time brings forth new lessons and a greater sense of understanding.

Thank you for visiting my blog, for thinking of me, for your kind words and letters, for your understanding glances as you pass me in the hall, for... just being you. For opening up your hearts to understand what cannot be explained and for generally lifting me from fires and ruin. If what matters in life is kindness, you have already done this many times over for me. Thank you.

No comments necessary, you've already done that. This post was more about giving myself a sense of closure and one last thank you for being there.

Get my blog by e-mail:

Your email address:


Powered by FeedBlitz

Recent Posts