Funny Twitter Updates, volume 6
(ARCHIVE of funny twitter updates)
I compile these on a somewhat monthly basis. If you have any tweets to suggest, post them in the comments!
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denisleary TSA conducting groin checks. Sen. Larry Craig's been thru 19 times already.
adamcarolla If I hear another diet expert bitch tell me how to watch the calories on Thanksgiving, I'm gonna violate her with a deep fried drum stick.
jrmoreau Thinking I should buy this turkey a drink before I shove my hand in there.
Ebriel Misery, I know you love company, but you haven't got mine - Hah!
jordanrubin Finally found a guy to design my website. Man, is this guy good:
JimGaffigan The North-South Korea fight is really getting in the way of all that important British wedding news.
TSAgov We added bacon aromas to our scanners to spice things up. But, larger passengers thought it was their skin burning.
LivitLuvit Dear diary: As I look out upon the horizon of five days without pants and a plethora of wine, I cannot help but leak a solitary tear of joy.
chrissyteigen the new victoria's secret bombshell bra not only adds 2 cup sizes but also adds to the sadness and disappointment of some young man
suzierobb "it's amazing, you look like a normal person but you are actually the angel of death."
amorrissey Is "Jim Graham striding past a possibly masturbating dancing pancake" one of the best photographs ever? Yes. Yes it is.
someecards My junk is your junk.
ShirtNinja The cute girl in this store is mopping in high heels. I think I'm in love.
mccanner OH:The last time I went they forgot to bring me my pancakes. At the International House of Pancakes. I will not support any pancake monument.
LivitLuvit Just legitimately said "Them's the breaks!" to my sister. Her: "You have officially become our father."
Mickey__Rourke So now that Four Loko's banned I'm just supposed to wash down my fist-fulls of opium with what? Coffee? My ass.
funnyoneliners I'll have a cafe mocha vodka Valium latte to go please.
LivitLuvit And then there are those nightmares that involve high school people and working at TGIFridays again and omg please kill me.
mdlachlan My wife just used the words 'need' and 'hairdresser' in the same sentence.
JimGaffigan On Amazon "Beyond the Pale" Blue Ray is only $5.99. http://tinyurl.com/2aea3cg I think I make more money when people illegally download it.
sween I say I'm allergic to dogs and he says "I'm allergic to the radioactive shards of my home planet" and I remember why I don't call Superman.
Matt_Dwyer If there was a band that had to wash their hands before every song they'd be called, OC/DC. FUCK YEAH.
Shpantzer I will be your hacker figure, put your tiny hand in mine, I will be your preacher teacher anything you had in mind... #BSidesSF
jstogdill Booked the train. I just paid $50 to not have sex. ;)
noblelawyer Almost 3pm & haven't started writing paper. Have written will & backed up computer.
JimGaffigan Choosing an emotion for this afternoon. Fear, sadness or anger? Hmmm. Anger you old pal, get over here.
mccanner woah now, there's the Monday we've all come to know and love. #whiskeynowplease?
someecards Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.
TFLN (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
JeremyFeistXXX I'm honestly pretty okay with the whole TSA touchy-feely thing. Hell, if anything I pity the TSA agent who has to feel-up Glenn Beck.
nylonthread Nov. 26 is @nylonthread's official Get Rid of All the F#%king Crap day! Thrift stores accepting donations be warned.
sween How many times do you pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?
isweatbutter "Sandra Lee does to food what Hitler did to Poland." -Anthony Bourdain
pixie658 Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when he says "I was very angry with my father" over and over? Yeah, I'm like that except with my thesis.
TFLN (321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one
baconaut If the burger is both In-*N*-Out, wouldn't it be better to call it Quantum Burger, or Schrödinger's Burger?
alpha1906 I can't lie. I enjoy watching Brett Favre struggle. Maybe I'll call it "Favrenfreude."
someecards Fuck you if you can't accept the fact that I'm in a spiritual place.
stephanywrites The one good thing I can say about sitting here for the past 90 minutes is the eye candy. Runner boys are cute. Too bad I look like death.
suzierobb I feel excellent. I will feel more excellent after bacon.
bldngnerd Love is eating a different cereal so you can give the last bowl of lucky charms to your son.
baconaut You know, if they gave away free Four Loko in the security line, maybe I'd WANT my junk touched.
heysuburban Hot dogs rarely feel like a brilliant idea four hours after you've consumed them.
sween When writing, imagine your target audience. Mine is a man turned into a dog by a genie. He barks. I rub his belly. His life is torment
sastier "A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, Mind if I join you?"
adravan My seven year old nephew just asked "what is film?"
jack_daniel Barking dogs Christmas carols. Before Thanksgiving. Our species deserves to die out.
Kaneshow LOL! Buy FOUR LOKO and tell grandma it's Hi-C or purple stuff. #shelltakehertopoff
sabl3t3k Coffee has been acquired; morning may now commence.
kylecassidy Banish me from the bedroom, will you? Ha! Someone left the door open. I am your yowling headbutting wakeup tsunami. #morningCATface
darthvader The Phantom Dentist #boringprequels
iamDylanMorris Star Chores #boringprequel
JohnVandervest Attack of the Scones #boringprequels
matt_henson The Empire Gets a Snack #boringprequels
sween Me: "Is this when we're supposed to kiss?" Wife: "No."
darthvader The Dark Side: Where *every* Friday is Black Friday.
DateMeDCBlog You kids today and your Four Loko. In my day we made meth in our bathtubs from the chemicals in Dimetapp, and we were grateful #getoffmylawn
mccanner That's right, office workers of DC, the girl with the purple hair WAS almost imperceptibly headbanging just now at Devon & Blakely.
sabl3t3k Note: productivity increase observed in direct correlation to tunes from Stabbing Westward, Nine Inch Nails, Social Distortion, etc.
kellyrand Coffee, you're the only one who understands me.
TeleEroticist "Mmm, break my jaw with your thighs!" "How?" "Crush my face between them!" ...huh?
Matt_Dwyer I believe in nothing which means I am never disappointed when nothing answers my prayers with nothing.
BrianDunning George Carlin: "Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider."
KaeSaid Seeing eye dog on my bus just stuck his nose in my crotch. Was I just groped by a blind guy? ;-)
God_Damn_Batman Hey Harry Potter, if it took me eight damn movies to defeat one lame villain I'd probably give people their money back.
JokingEnvelope Satan no longer speaks to your children through Dungeons & Dragons. But only because he thinks 4th Edition sucks. #pissofftheinternet
Matt_Dwyer The guy next to me said "the DMV is like prison" I agreed and then raped him.
BorowitzReport OK, we can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.
iKarlie I do not understand who is left to cheat with if you're married to @EvaLongoria. Let's be real.
CrashHolly Alarm clock is proof noise is blinding.
welovedc Someone in WMATA's IT department is having a worse day than you are having.
(WMATA = Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority)
heysuburban Kate, a Camry cannot reach 88mph. Sorry.
bethienova The TSA can pat me down, but I don't have to be quiet while they do it. #fakeorgasm #whenharrymetsally
nylonthread The woman driving behind me (stop& go traffic) has been screaming & weeping on her cell for the past 30 minutes. #pleasedonthitme
DCPrincessQ Is it possible to be in love with a month? Because I'm crushing hard on Nov. 2010 right now.
Gwen_Hernandez To the woman singing loudly in the rec center lobby, please stop!! I'm trying to write, you're not that good, & he's not that into you.
zefrank if you tweet my junk i will have you arrested.
knitterplease When your only tool is passive aggression, every problem looks like it's fine, no really, it's fine.
darthvader For those of you who asked, all I want for Sithmas is my two legs back.
AGinDC I love that Cylons have the same baby mama drama that we do.
jordanrubin Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. But crap your pants just once and the world's all "I'm out. Talk soon."
sween A woman dances on TV. I think, "She's got some cool moves." My wife says, "That woman can't dance." Beginning to realize why I can't dance.
adamcarolla When my life sucked I hated sunday nights. Now its no different then any other night, sadly neither is saturday night.
sabl3t3k These 'weekend' things really need to be longer.
TFLN (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
baconaut A mixture of Manischewitz and gasoline used as a weapon would be called a Mazeltov Cocktail.
micahpearson *headdesk*...*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk**headdesk* *headdesk*
Higgins_J "Chloroform Girl" by Polkadot Cadaver was written from the perspective of a man that I would like to hunt for a living.
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CristinGW @h1661n5 it was written by a dude I would like to have coffee with.
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Higgins_J @CristinGW I'll try not to shoot him in the head while you enjoy your beverage.
spleeness Grateful that 4 hours of sleep for 2 nights have rendered me too tired to care about the slab of concrete my mom calls a couch.
spleeness However, if this football-shaped dog launches itself uninvited into my half-asleep face one more time, ima make use of some punting skills.
laughstooeasily In the sentences I never thought would be needed category: "If you let a badger near your dick you deserve what happens to you."
pixie658 Re: last tweet. If you count a pot of coffee & water as "eating," then I did eat today & I can take care of myself just fine. ;)
kellygo Seeing a "Mom's Do-It-All" calendar at Target has left me disproportionately rageful.
LivitLuvit HGTV just made fun of someone for having a dirty bedsheet as a window curtain. ... WHATEVER.
snipeyhead Dear . . . world: Just because the crazies in America are . . . making the most noise, they don't represent us. I promise.
suzierobb iphone just autocorrected something to "skybarf" - i would like to know what this means.
baconaut "40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20, 20 is the new 10, and 10 is the new fetus."
mccanner Dude, they have support groups for that RT
@samerfarha: That's too many.
Carissajaded Why hello there tuna melt, and welcome to your new home in my belly.
ClevelandPoet hey people in the hallway outside my doorway do you really need to stand out there talking? Somee of like to be unemployed slackers in peace
God_Damn_Batman Playing Call of Duty Black Ops will make you feel like a badass. Know what else does? Actually being one.
heathermg I imagine there are worse ways to go than Death by Baked Goods, so I'm just gonna go for it.
katyray So, I almost forgot to pack hoes. I mean shoes. Also, nothing I own goes together anymore.
sarah_y My cat is pretty self-sustaining, but she still kneads me.
paulfeig Just reunited a sock I left in New York months ago with its partner in LA. If that's not Pixar's next movie, then I don't know what is.
someecards There's no way I'd miss seeing you run the marathon unless I get distracted during the 4 seconds when you go by.
TheBloggess Also, I just disproved everyone who argued earlier that I'm cool. I went to Austin to buy DOLLS. One was a vampire doll. Someone help me.
micahpearson Gotta love a movie that's primary script direction to the female lead is "wear a low-cut top, look sweaty, and breathe hard"
micahpearson Baby Doll seems to enjoy stabbing security man in the crotch just a BIT too much.
heathermg No time, "cook until lightly brown." It's a CHOCOLATE CAKE.
heathermg When I say "I'm off to bake" I do wonder why God doesn't strike down my kitchen with lightning as a warning/reminder.
ihatesomuch my mother just told me a story that involved my father and oral sex. i am not pleased.
ihatesomuch I'm at lowes talking about nuts and screws and there's no one here to appreciate my "that's what she said" jokes. Le sad.
clarkekant The only thing I have to fear is me myself.
dirtymarty Travel tip: wear a purple suit to the airport. Things don't move any more quickly, but it puts everyone in a good mood.
jordanrubin Slept like a baby last night. (Cried, pooped myself, made my parents reconsider their love for each other, etc)
isweatbutter "A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography."
robwillb I always found it funny when the majority tells the insulted minority that they're not allowed to be insulted.
LettersOfNote It's amazing how the the human mind does not process the the fact I used the the word "the" twice each time in this sentence.
wallingf Not everyone who votes different from you is stupid, uninformed, or following a crowd blindly.
hodgman Any time someone spells THX as "thanks!" these days, I feel like I'm reading Chaucer.
FakeAPStylebook Due to complaints, articles about newly discovered animals should no longer comment on how they taste as burgers.
armsakimbo Just took a 5 Hour Energy and my pupils constricted aka "Requiem for a Dream"
mccanner "Just wanted to make sure you weren't writing a manifesto," said the co-worker when asking why my hood is up.
Halloween Tweets:
kellyeddington If nobody knocks on our door within the next hour and 45 minutes, the candy is OURS. (Not like we haven't already eaten most of it.)
katefeetie Halloween: Helping me final get rid of the pesky blood in my blood sugar.
jordanrubin Zombies go out EVERY night. No wonder they look like shit.
cakewrecks Some Trick or Treaters are cute. The rest remind me why I'm not having children. #RingThatBellOneMoreTime #NoReallyTryIt #Punk
darthvader You've heard about fury & a woman scorned haven't you? Well, that's nothing compared to a Sith Lord cheated out of tricks or treats.
Rally for Sanity Tweets:
polgrim Superb: "My wife is a Muslim. My wife is NOT a terrorist. But I'm afraid of her anyway". Funny sign at #rally4sanity
whatscottreads Best sign: I thought this was the line for Georgetown Cupcake #rally4sanity
axidentalredhed Pass on the '95 Mustang, you're way skinnier than you think, be kinder to your mother, go with your first instincts #tweetyour16yearoldself
kylecassidy 44 minutes into conversation before someone said "idiopathic alopecia"
kellyoxford "I love her period" - missing comma, game changer
DanKrokos Writing a sequel is like going to dinner with old friends. Except dinner lasts three months and some of your friends die.
TheBloggess Me: Huh. I hit 70,000 followers this morning. Victor: I hit the mailman last week. With the car. Me: You win.
ganson My email inbox is getting out of hand:
baconaut Today, we honor the great scientist Bonnie Tyler, who pioneered the field of applied cardioastronomy. #music #eclipse #heart
artful_username Dear Sleep, I know the boss said I can come in late tomorrow, but I still need you. Please come back, baby. I'm sorry.
sintixerr i can handle being damned if i do, handle damned if i dont. getting damned if i did, and damned in case i didn't at the same time sucks
noblelawyer Show me on the doll where the TSA agent touched you.
livitluvit Also, I shouldn't be laughing, but there was just a fender bender and the offended party is shouting "motherfucka, Imma bout to LEGISLATE!!"
livitluvit Oh, 3am. We *have* to stop meeting like this. Sigh.
sween Show me a person who doesn't walk on the escalator and I'll show you a person who will transition poorly into the zombie apocalypse.
laughstooeasily In the epic battle of ceramic tile floor vs. cat food glass, cat food glass's loss was total.
isweatbutter "These particular bike shorts look like her thighs are eating them." #ShitMichaelKorsSays #ProjectRunway
heysuburban Ironically, my iPhone will not autocorrect "ahtocorrected" into "autocorrected."
DrMathochist "I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that *I* decide is right." #Glee
Higgins_J "That which does not kill me makes me say 'Whoa! That was close!'"
mckeay It's definitely Monday with a vengance.
kellygo My thanks to the parents who sent in cupcakes & juice for their kid's birthday. I hope to peel Liam off the ceiling before bedtime. How fun.
sabl3t3k $var{lunch}
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This was volume 6 of funny twitter updates.
Funny twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->
