Funny Twitter updates

 I haven't posted one of these in a while. Latest addition to my funny Twitter updates archive (feel free to contribute any below for consideration to be added):

@joeveix Buying the complete DVD box set of "Hoarders" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

@gxrobillard I'm not at all impressed by Ketamine. You can achieve the same effect spending six straight hours on Facebook.

@bubblebathos ugh is anyone else having trouble loading my ex-boyfriend's Gmail?

@SamGrittner I'm just looking for a nice girl to settle out of court with.

@pattonoswalt Just got off the elliptical -- 28 min., 2.26 miles, 338 calories, still fat.

@willhines The bummer is that if Verizon works I'm going to have to actually talk to people.

@ItsThingsInLife Have you noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

@daveshumka I'm growing my prostate to raise awareness for moustache cancer.

@missrogue My secret answers to the security questions are so secret I can't even remember them.

@ebertchicago: 20% of Americans will believe that 20% of Americans will believe any damned thing.

@shitmydadsays: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"

(see more funny Twitter updates in my archive -->)