funny tweets (archive 8)

I'm behind on my collection of funny tweets but here's a few until I get the next collection going!

TFLN (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.

Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required? It was more like ALL assembly required

TheBloggess: Aw. My dad just opened a box of sex magazines with me on the cover. He said I looked "Very nice". Well, that's...awkward.

symigoddess: On my way to get a massage for Festivus - like Feats of Strength except I am totally going to let him win for 90 minutes

TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the f out of the bar.

adamcarolla: I'm sick, but not too sick to go to Bill Simons to watch the games. Starve a fever, feed 9 Sam Adams to a cold.

NakedNikki: My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."

xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.

tstyles77: Every time I check the Oklahoma section of "People of Wal-Mart" and I'm not pictured, I think to myself, "You've done good, kid."

Higgins_J: I need to learn how to say "May the Force be with you" in Arabic.

jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

tacone_:
█████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government #wikileaks

STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else’s screenplay.

JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.

NakedNikki: My kids are obnoxious tonight. So, just how does one go about throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This drain is looking kinda small.

jordanrubin: My ancestors never had a family crest, because there's no way to draw worrying, nagging, complaining and gassy.

TheStevenWeber: There's something emotionally satisfying about strangling fruit.

micahpearson: BTW: My mother said I'm a narcissist. Or, at least I *think* she did. I couldn't hear her over the sound of how awesome I am.

pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.

austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know

someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

NakedNikki: Simultaneously having a migraine and two children is nature's way of granting me empathy for species that eat their young.

kellyoxford: By the time you're 30 you realize that all of the important events in your life include stress diarrhea.

spleeness: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.

jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.

papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?

cmglothlin: I feel like my life is complete. Tonight I gave another guy some of my own neuroses. This pride must be like what a new father feels.

Shpantzer: I did it all for the wookie #dojocon

JimGaffigan: “Um, is there any way we can get a table near the bullet hole?”

isweatbutter: There's one I've never heard on this show before... "WWII made me do it." #HOARDERS

mccanner: OH: "so is that your partner in the wood chipper, then?"

isweatbutter: Based on the number of times fire trucks have been by my house this morning, I'm estimating 8 families burned the bird. #Thanksgiving

NakedNikki: It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are  hilarious though.

plumbob78: I have achieved PANTS!

someecards: I want you to know that I often still think of you while we're having sex.

TFLN: (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

[see more! Funny Tweets archive]

Snacks on a Plane and Lord of the Ring Tone (my favorite #lessambitiousmovies)

Recently trending on Twitter has been the subject of "less ambitious movies" (using hashtag #lessambitiousmovies or #lessambitiousfilms). This swept through the Twitterverse like wildfire racking up up to 200 Tweets a minute (source:  Snacks on a plane and other 'less ambitious' films.)

Here are my top 23

Have any to suggest, let me know! I can't place all the sources so if you know, leave the info in the comments.

1. Snacks on a plane
2. A Few OK Men (@Alastair)
3. Lord of the Ring Tone
4. Asleep in Seattle
5. White men can jump, but sometimes not as high as other men (@Operative_Me)
6. The Lizard of Oz
7. The Postman Sometimes Walks Right By My House (@chris_p_walker)
8. Jurassic Parking Garage (@DRossiCSCS)
9. The Grapes of Animosity (@stdmtj1)
10. The Ten Recommendations  (@Mr_Solo)
11. Slightly Agitated Max (@Darjanator)
12. Mission: Might be tough but its possible (@JohnSp)
13. The American Vice-President (@Pres_Shepher)
14. A River Runs Past It (@fionasboots)
15. Edward Safety Scissor Hands(@GhostOfAbe)
16. Apocalypse When I Get To It (@Higgins_J)
17. The Perturbation of Khan (@l0qii)
18. Dude I know where my car is (@Carissajaded)
19. Cloudy with a chance of meatsauce (@Carissajaded)
20. Raiders of the Lost Crate (@plumbob78)
21. He Might Still Like You On Some Level (@DrMathochist)
22. A Longish Engagement (@DrMathochist)
23. The Empire Sits Back (@travelfish)

that's what she said.

A conversation with my body. We prioritize differently but she's stronger and usually wins the fight.

Yesterday:

me: Good morning!

body: No.

me: C'mon, get up!

body: That was only 4 hours. I require 8.

me: Too bad, there's no more time. We have to get up now.

body: You will pay for this. I WILL get my other 4 hours.

me: Whatever. You can sleep late tomorrow. Let's go!

This morning: 

me: Good morn!

body: That was only 8 hours!!

me: I know, isn't that awesome?

body: But... ::sputter:: what about yesterday? I'm still beat.

me: Nah, let's get up and write. The day is young!

body: Nooooo!!

me: Pffft. You are SUCH a wimp.

[writing happens]

body: (ahem) um, excuse me?

me: I'm busy. What's up?

body: I'm tired.

me: So? I've got things to do. You can sleep tonight.

body: But it's Sunday. You have no plans.

me: Right, but look at this LIST.

body: Juuuust a half hour? Please? Pretty please?

me: Oh alright. Fine.

[laying down]

body: Ah ha!! Bitch slap!!

me (struggling weakly): Wait, not so fierce! A LIGHT nap.

body: Fuck you. This is MY time.

[an unspecified period passes in blackness]

me: nnngggghhhh.

body: Good morn! Take two. :)

me (fumbling for watch): How LONG was that?

body (beaming): 4 hours.

me: FOUR HOURS?? You NEVER nap that long!

body (flexing): heh. That was awesome. I had to knock you out but you know, all's fair in dreams & sleep. Feed me?

me: You are an endless bag of demands!!

funny New Year's tweets

Lord_Voldemort7 If you're reading this, congratulations, you've begun 2011 the same way you ended 2010... mindlessly entertained by social media. Nerd.

JezebelTheGreat My midnight kiss was warm and wet and wonderful but I don't think that old lady liked it because she had me thrown out of Walgreen's.

aedison And so passes another year in which I did not need to know how to use a protractor.

zefrank dear universe. please make it easier next year. all of it.

someecards My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.