Spleeness

Why parts of the internet will go dark Jan. 18

2012-01-16T11:16:00.001-05:00

Have you heard of SOPA - the Stop Online Piracy Act? It *sounds* like a good idea -- piracy bad! -- but a closer look at this act reveals something terrifying that may change the Internet as we know it.

Google (this includes blogger!), Facebook, Yahoo, AOL, Wordpress, Reddit, The Wikipedia, The Cheezeburger Network, Boing Boing, Twitter, Ebay, LinkedIn & some other major players are considering going dark to take a stand against SOPA because the wording of this proposed bill is so vague & penalties so steep that there may be potential for much abuse. Like, just *linking* to something might be enough to get you in trouble.

Right now the bill looks like it's going to be approved as the majority of senators are in favor of it. We need to reach 41 more senators to make a difference. The senate votes Jan. 24. Here's what you can do:

This page lets you put in a zip code and click a button to notify your local senators.

Please help keep the internet free.

https://wfc2.wiredforchange.com/o/9042/p/dia/action/public/?action_KEY=8173

Hey, wanna see a manatee? AWESOME closeup!!

2011-12-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

Check out the manatee I saw yesterday in Florida!! Isn't this a great shot?

Does anyone actually LIKE getting a facial???

2011-12-23T11:43:00.003-05:00

You've heard of facials, right? I had one ONCE, as a gift. I sat in a chair under a light while someone in a mask peered at my skin through a giant magnifying glass and proceeded to poke, fold, jab, dig, stab, jam and lunge their fingers into my face.

It was maybe the most unrelaxing procedure I've ever had, aside from that colonoscopy that one time. It took my skin 4 days to regain normalcy from its reddened, blotchy, injured state.

So imagine my dismay seeing today's coupon deal. People PAY for this? Wait, not only that, but it's considered a DEAL worthy of investing company advertising dollars? This is like gifting someone a root canal. REALLY? I feel like creating a "Leave My Face Alone" counteroffer, where someone can pay me for the truth: "SAVE 3 hours AND your beauty; get a massage instead!"

wut?? (And other photos from Florida trip)

2011-12-03T23:23:00.015-05:00

Wut? I like shakes. Something wrong with that?

Did you just... I...uh... did you LAUGH at my friend?

You DID, didn't you.

Bonus to being 20,000 feet in the air: seeing THIS at eye level.

There are DOGS here. Yay!

The dobie gets a kiss.

Me and BFF with the iron chef.

Bleached stop sign (never saw this in Maryland!)

Only in Florida -- shark Christmas lights!

BFF and I blogging.

With Marley, the lost dog we reunited with her owner.

(Side note: if your pet is microchipped, get it registered!
It's not an automatic process -- this dog was chipped
and NOT registered; it took hours of sleuthing to locate
the grateful family.

I'm maybe a bit preoccupied with this.

2011-11-20T20:19:00.004-05:00

Recent chat conversation:

me: Sitting here googling "spider prevention" because I'm a freak.

them: One cannot prevent spiders. One can only make peace with them.

me: I just moved into a basement. Before realizing the highest concentration of spiders in a house is where? THE BASEMENT. So I bought 6 supersonic ultra spider-chaser plugs that will spider proof my room FOREVER. If I never see another spider again, it'll be too soon.

them: they eat stink bugs.

me: I don't care.

them: Spiders are cool. Hence, Spider-man.

me: But he's nice inside. Spiders are not nice inside.

them: They totally are! They are full of silk and hugs! And you are JUDGING THEM!

me: But I've SEEN their actions, the whole lot of them! Wreaking havoc on family and friends and ohhh the mahem at that sleepaway camp in the woods! 9 near death incidents.

them: Maybe they are trying to shake hands.

me: YOU can shake their hands. *I* will remain unfriendly.

them: Fine, but if I have to get you into an exclusive club and there's a spider bouncer at the door and he's all "I hear she hates spiders," I'm gonna have to be all "She's cool, man," and he's gonna be all "Yeah? So some of her best friends are spiders?" And I'm gonna be "Oh sure, she works with one," and then he's gonna say "Yeah, you know what? Spiders can't get work because of people like you lady!" and then he's gonna scowl, and probably eat an insect, and we're going to be standing out there in the cold of January, freezing in nice club clothes because you are a spider-hating byatch!

them: And what about Charlotte?

me: Totally different thing. Charlotte was almost not even a real spider. She's a HOUSE spider. Spindly legs, slow and big heavy thorax that weighs down the web. That's actually kinda cute. They keep wolf spiders away. Like dolphins to sharks.Wolf spiders have 88 eyes and a freaking FACE and are mean and speed across the floor at 100mph!

them: WOOK AT HIS WITTLE FACE! YOU JUST WANNA PINCH HIS CHEEKS!

me: I almost ejected my innards! You cannot just spring that on me!

them: It's adorubus spidercus hugibus. That's the latin name.

me: Apparently, one of THESE hasn't traumatized you yet. I will be here welcoming you to my camp when it does.

them: I've sadly not seen any spiders. I'm not out in the wilderness here, which is a shame. Because I would befriend a camel spider and name him Chewbacca.

me: Look, it says here: "Camel spiders can move at speeds over 30 MPH, screaming while they run." http://www.camelspiders.net

them: It's them saying "HUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUUUUUUUUUU UUUUGSSSSSSSSSSSS SSSSSSSSSSSS!" in spiderese.

me: Aaahhh!! Scroll down to see this female soldier handling one and OMG spidergollum!
Click on photo & scroll down to see her story about her, um, "pet."

So, yeah, that's a typical conversation with me, if you bring up 8-legged creatures of doom. I'm maybe a bit preoccupied....

Philanthropy Friday (in the Making a Difference Department)

2011-10-21T06:00:00.002-04:00

A fellow alumnus at my school created a website where people can ask for and grant wishes: Wish Upon a Hero. The site was launched last October and already 83,000 wishes have been granted. Wishes are diverse, from stickers to diapers to clothing to money and food. One person requested a donation for -- and was granted! -- LASIK eye surgery; there's such a huge variation of wishes to be granted. I think the popularity of this site is because you can help people directly and choose/know exactly how they're benefiting.

Funny Twitter updates

2011-10-19T06:53:00.001-04:00

I haven't posted one of these in a while. Latest addition to my funny Twitter updates archive (feel free to contribute any below for consideration to be added):

@joeveix Buying the complete DVD box set of "Hoarders" is a self-fulfilling prophecy.

@gxrobillard I'm not at all impressed by Ketamine. You can achieve the same effect spending six straight hours on Facebook.

@bubblebathos ugh is anyone else having trouble loading my ex-boyfriend's Gmail?

@SamGrittner I'm just looking for a nice girl to settle out of court with.

@pattonoswalt Just got off the elliptical -- 28 min., 2.26 miles, 338 calories, still fat.

@willhines The bummer is that if Verizon works I'm going to have to actually talk to people.

@ItsThingsInLife Have you noticed that "studying" is like "student" and "dying" put together?

@daveshumka I'm growing my prostate to raise awareness for moustache cancer.

@missrogue My secret answers to the security questions are so secret I can't even remember them.

@ebertchicago: 20% of Americans will believe that 20% of Americans will believe any damned thing.

@shitmydadsays: "Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"

(see more funny Twitter updates in my archive -->)

Awesome Halloween food ideas

2011-10-14T22:24:00.006-04:00

Ack! No one would eat my cat litter cake
last year. Think they'd munch on this?

I can't decide whether to do the chest cavity creation or my traditional cat litter cake.

I scoured the net for 10 horribly awesome Halloween food ideas and just posted them on a new blog I started to celebrate the creation of things. Namely bodily adornments (like weird hair and ugly shoes sandwiched in between the occasional picture of my latest necklace), but also unusual food and home decorations too. (I established that blog to have a separate place to have fun with my upcoming craft store on Etsy where I will sell jewelry under the name The Underground Maiden.)

Launching store in two weeks (around Halloween) but couldn't help blogging about Halloween decorations now! Votes on your favorite? (You can vote here or the other blog.) --> See all 10 Halloween food ideas --> or visit (my Facebook page)

Step 1 of the brazilian keratin treatment (AKA I am a greased alpaca today)

2011-10-08T14:26:00.003-04:00

I just spent the last two hours locked into a weird dance with greasy hair and a flat iron.

It started with a coupon. "Get the miracle Brazilian Keratin treatment at yaddayadda salon!"

I called a friend. "I just saw their before and after pictures and I think I need to get this coupon," I said.

"How much?" She asked.

"$169," I said, "but the regular price is $400."

"Oh don't pay that. That's my stylist's normal price. She's running a special now, go see her."

I hung up the phone armed with a new number and begin scouring the web for terrible stories about the Brazilian keratin treatment hoping to talk myself out of it. But instead I find myself transfixed by this:

Before and After Photos of Brazilian Keratin Treatment

Whoa. Convinced?

Yeah, me too. Only I'm still terribly chicken about doing anything to my hair right now. It doesn't need extra help falling out. Formaldehyde does terrible things, right? I usually try to avoid bursting into flames regularly so in my reluctance, I bought an over-the-counter version that claimed to be formaldehyde free and figured okay, if this works even 20%, fine.

Steps for being me, today:

This is the stuff I used.

Step 1: Spend 2 hours on internet reading everything you can find about brazilian keratin treatment. Feel both excited that SOMETHING can maybe help your hair look awesome and terrified that the process's various formaldehydes will cause you to grow two heads (which of course will be twice as expensive for hair maintenance). Plus that last time you burst into flames wasn't that cool. Stay skeptical.

Step 2: Go to drugstore. Realize you only put 6 minutes into the meter and that won't be enough time to sniff, read and analyze every hair product they carry. Return to car. Pay for spot next to it by accident. Contemplate driving away rather than fixing mistake. Return to drugstore in disgust and rebellion, taunting parking ticket fate. Turn hate outward and abhor entire city.

Before picture demonstrating root of
gullibility for hair products which
promise awesome life.

Step 3: Come home with brazilian keratin treatment that sounds natural. Cocoa butter! Avocado oil! Yay to avoiding the formaldehyde! Congratulate self on superior hair-product-shopping skills.

Step 4: Read directions 3 times. Get cold feet. Why do you need gloves to apply avocado oil? "DO NOT GET ON SKIN" touts loud warning. "USE IN WELL-VENTILATED AREA." Frown. Consider abandoning mission.

Step 5: Think about cute Halloween wig and resign to backup plan. Plus, it can't get much worse then the last experiment, right?

Step 6: Read label carefully. "Apply product to hair that is 80% dry. DO NOT OVERSATURATE."

Step 7: Oversaturate.

Step 8: Let product soak into hair for half an hour. Down two glasses of chocolate milk. Plan to buy heavy-duty trash bags to transport clothes instead of using thin kitchen bags. Decide moving preparations are complete for the day.

Step 9: Blow dry hair. Immediately understand the "DO NOT OVERSATURATE" warning. Use wide-toothed comb to pull gloppy, greasy strands straight.

After two hours of flat-ironing:
the greasy alpaca look!

Step 10: Turn on flat iron and wait for it to reach maximum heat setting. Sing-scream Bad Romance, only this time being sure roommate isn't home like that last time. Get to second refrain before realizing neighbor can see and hear everything through open bathroom window. Curse ventilation. Berate self for constantly participating in mortifying activities. Google "lack of impulse control."

Step 11: Start ironing hair. Become alarmed at smoky steam of residue burn off. Secretly hope this is what "sealing" keratin into the cuticle looks like because if not, that wig might actually get more use than expected.

Step 12: Finish. Realize with horror "THIS HAS TO STAY SLATHERED ON HEAD FOR TWO DAYS??" Cancel all social plans where looking presentable is desireable. (In other words, everything.) (Except moving. The movers won't care if you look like a greased alpaca.) Become angry that you gave away your only non-snowstorm hat because you thought you looked terrible in hats. Feel too embarrassed to go to store for another. Start packing.

Step 13: haha, just kidding about packing. Write blog post and take a nap!

My hair is the reason you should buy stock in CVS

2011-09-06T21:05:00.001-04:00

Now that I just poured orange vegetable soup down my cream-colored blouse, I feel compelled to share with you the OTHER thing you'll notice about me today.

My hair.

Or rather, the mistake on top of my head.

The conversation went something like this:

Stylist: "Your hair THEEN." (Lifts limp, lifeless strand in disgust.)

Me: (frowny face) "What would make it thicker?"

Stylist: "Go DAHK. Dahk haya ees THEEK. Eet coats strand."

Me: ::blinkblink:: "Rly??"

Stylist: "YES."

Me: "Fine."

[One hour and $120.00 later...]

Me: (looking in mirror) "Aaahh!!!"

Me: (running to drugstore, buying highlighting kit.) "Maybe it will look less, um, SEVERE if I put streaks in it."

[One hour and $11.00 later...]

Me: "Aaaahhhhh!! I look like Tigger!!"

Me: (running BACK to drugstore, buying more dye) "Must... cover... orange!!"

[One Hour and $6.99 later...]

Me: "Aaaahhhhhh!!!"

So you see the theme here to my labor day weekend? Yes?

Anyway, if you see me, yes, my hair is darker. Yes, I hate it. No, I'm not touching it again. Let it wash out over time. Anyone selling a bridge? If it comes with someone promising nice tresses, I may need you to NOT introduce us.

Note: I took this pic to supplement my blog post
(no longer wearing stained shirt!)

"Don't do it. Don't get old."

2011-08-23T22:26:00.004-04:00

An older woman stopped me in the hall yesterday. "Don't do it," she said. "Don't get old." Then she hobbled towards the elevator.

I didn't tell her what I saw. I could tell she looked at me with remembrance of her own youth. A woman who, though her face bore lines, they were marks of kindness and smiling. I thought she was beautiful, her face shining with affection as she stopped to hear about my day and share hers.

In our society, beauty is power for a woman, but it is a power which inevitably leaks away with age. I wanted to say no, I don't subscribe to that. You are still beautiful to me. Even moreso, as I see your layers of wisdom and I want to learn from them. That's the kind of beauty I want to bask in.

I remember my grandmother at 70 looking in the mirror. "My eyes used to be beautiful," she said sadly. I was only a 'tween then but I stubbornly planted myself in front of her and replied, "Grandma, they are STILL beautiful." And I meant it. I hadn't known her 18-year-old self. I knew her at 70 but she was kind to me. She smiled and this made her beautiful.

I hate the idea that we are so influenced by beauty in our society that we discard more important traits; those that must be cultivated and not just part of a genetic lotto. People magazine lists the 100 best people of the year, why only the symmetrically-blessed? Why no scientists, authors, inventors? The public face of America should include those that DO, not just those that ARE.

I have complicated feelings about plastic surgery. I support the desire to restore oneself to a previous state or repair damage, ease pain, solve a problem or correct something but if someone is doing it because they think they're not pretty enough, it makes me sad. It's even more aching when it's obvious, it's like wearing that insecurity on our redone faces. I wish people could know how beautiful they are when they smile and laugh and feel content. Nothing else matters.

The difference between being married and unmarried

2011-07-29T14:16:00.000-04:00

Work like a dog. It's good for you.

2011-07-24T15:09:00.000-04:00

I read something yesterday that I just really loved.

"This is what I mean by "we should all work like dogs": We should do what comes most naturally, reflexively, effortlessly. Many of my clients initially see this as irresponsible. They believe virtuous work means getting all tensed up and doing things they loathe. This is simply unsound marketing. My first and last sales principle is this: Love sells better than hate. Find a way to package what you can't stop doing, as in "Look! I love to raise my paw! So I'll use it to point out game, and we'll both be happy!"

"One of the best life coaches I've ever trained started on her career
path not knowing there was such a profession. She had just one objective-to get paid for reading self-help books. Her joy and intelligence make her a brilliant problem solver. I've used her myself-she's wildly expensive and worth every penny.

"Use the work-like-a-dog principle to make your career and time-budgeting decisions. Should you go back to school? Only if it makes you salivate with desire. Should you stay home with your children? Yes-if the thought makes you feel as though someone's rubbing your tummy. Would you rather have a job? Don't apologize, just go ahead and work. Like a dog."
--Martha Beck

advice about bedbugs from the pest-control guy

2011-06-02T21:42:00.003-04:00

Today I got some words of advice from inside the pest-control industry (thankfully NOT because I was seeking bedbug remediation). Here's what he said:

The problem with bedbug infestations is exploding. This is because they're so easily transferable: people can get them from the oddest places (not just hotels but even luggage racks in the underbelly of a flight or on a train). So, inspect your bags when you travel and inspect the mattress. Peel back the sheets. Bedbugs usually come out at night and it can be hard to see them but look instead for the evidence of their presence: little red and black dots of the telltale bedbug blood regurgitate.

Also, pay attention to the local news for information -- a movie theater near a relative's house in NJ had an outbreak of bedbugs. Last thing you need is to bring home anything besides the memories of a fun time out.

Brought to you by the Your Spleen Belongs to You (and NOT Bedbugs) Department!

Actual conversation while packing:

2011-05-03T20:25:00.000-04:00

Me: "Wait! You can't put the books in like that! The SPINES have to be showing."

Him: "Wut? Okay, but why?"

Me: "Because I need to be able to read them."

Him: "Um, but they'll only be in boxes for a month or two until you settle someplace."

Me: "I don't care. I NEED access to them in the meantime."

Him (picking up a random book): "You need access to... Garfield?"

Me: "YES. Don't judge."

Cookies, delivered by a benevolent and droll universe

2011-04-17T23:19:00.001-04:00

So, I'm getting ready to move. While packing today, I glanced out the window while carrying one particularly heavy object across the room and my eyes settled immediately on the one oddity in the environment: a youngster, about 12 years old, hunched over in my driveway, thumbs hooked in pants, slowly undressing. I leaned forward and put down the box: wha--? There is a complete stranger in the driveway, and omg, is he going to PEE on my car??

I ran outside. "Excuse me, can I help you?"

He whirled around and looked at me blankly while fussing with his pants.

I stopped beating around the bush. "Um, what are you doing?"

He blinked. "My jeans are ripped really bad and I can't wear them anymore. I'm part of the youth non-incarceration project and we are selling cookies to raise money to help kids stay off the streets." He showed me a probably-bogus flyer.

My first thought: not undressing in stranger's driveways is a good first step away from future incarcerations. Second thought: can they use this money to buy you some new pants?

I started to say these things but then I noticed he was selling CHOCOLATE CHIP cookies.

My brain went blank.

The transformation was instantaneous: my entire cerebrum shifted into one giant food-acquiring lobe. It only took one cocoa-seduced blink for me to turn completely into Homer Simpson.

Obviously, this shift has serious implications for the self-preservation instinct: the brain cannot calculate risk at the same time as entertaining the fantasy of chocolatey goodness gliding down the throat, and so I bought an unmarked bag of cookies.

For $10.

From a half-naked 12-year old undressing in my driveway.

(He WAS wearing shorts, or at least boxers that passed for shorts....)

The cookies could have been glazed with arsenic, dipped in iridium, baked with hepatitis-A contaminated water and lovingly swiped between the ass cracks of multiple 'tween thugs before being bagged and yet I didn't care. I needed cookies. And I needed them immediately.

And so I had them. I had been dreaming of something sweet all day (disappointed yet relieved that the kitchen's only contents consisted of a bag of brussels sprouts, an expired box of raisins, some balsamic vinegar, and calcium pills). It's like the universe heard my cry and delivered, but not without a hearty laugh.

Hopefully the rips were not iridium-induced.

The "you're doing it wrong" email unsubscription form

2011-04-05T15:30:00.001-04:00

RAGE!! I have unsubscribed from this email list like THREE TIMES. Why do I have to keep unsubsribing? Apparently, it's not enough to just check off "unsubscribe" Or "unsubscribe all." I am supposed to specify "PLEASE DO NOT EMAIL ME EVER AGAIN." Now, I didn't want to be THAT harsh because I thought okay dood, you want to send me a newsletter once a month, fine. But I am still getting all the regular junk in my inbox every day.

So, ladies & gentlemen, I present to you: the "YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG" email unsubscription service. DO NOT DO IT THIS WAY:

Email Address (required)

Your SubscriptionsUnchecking the box next to your subscription and clicking the submit button below will unsubscribe you from the selected list.

JACK*$$ (OLD LIST FROM 2008)

JACK*$$ FAN CLUB

JACK*$$

Do Not Contact

Add me to your "Do Not Contact" list This will stop all emails from this sender, regardless of your subscription status above.

Can't we just have ONE BOX, folks? Kthx.

jaunt around DC

2011-03-22T00:31:00.001-04:00

Some pix from this past weekend's jaunt around DC. (It's more exciting to post photos of adventure then write about the reality of having no time to do laundry, foodshop, clean or pay bills: I have been lathering with shampoo because I ran out of soap, drying myself with a single tiny square of a handtowel, stepping over a giant mail pile and snacking on over-salted dried black olives for breakfast and dinner. Weekday start WIN. At least lunch was awesome with my $4 banh mih meatball sandwich.)

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (this is so not happening)

2011-03-14T12:24:00.000-04:00

Actually, it does sound fun. Maybe I'll go and take pictures of snakes hissing at me and lizards practicing defiant pushups.

the sky in DC today just before tornado warning was cancelled

2011-02-28T21:31:00.002-05:00

Today I rode the bus to downtown Washington DC just before the tornado warning was cancelled. This was the sky before the clouds dissipated (and *whew* -- I don't exactly want to be trapped in a metal box when a twister furiously rips out of the sky!)

Pennsylvania Avenue NW (across from
Department of Justice & Archives/Navy metro stop)

Forbidding clouds behind the basilica of the
National Shrine of the Immaculate Conception,
the biggest Catholic Church in the world
(it also serves as a church for Catholic University
which is across the street).

Low dark clouds as seen from bus

This was on North Capitol Street NW.
I liked the way the rooftops looked against the menacing sky.

past few months in photos

2011-02-16T23:42:00.000-05:00

Okay, I've been posting sporadically lately. Here are my past few months, in pictures:

Heat FAIL.

That was the night I bought THIS awesome little space heater.
(In case you want one too, I bought it from Amazon)

Failing at the stern face look.
Somehow it just looks like a stern smirk.

Fired a rifle for the first time.


Children ran screaming from the giant disembodied head at the Museum of Natural History's BRAIN exhibit, NYC

U.S. Capitol at sunset - I took this with my phone and didn't add
any effects except for the border. I love this shot because of the warm light.


I got sick and ventured out for food in my PJs. I mean, so what?

(At least I removed the bathrobe.)

Most BORING fortunes ever -- all three of us landed the same one!

It flurried and it appears this triggered a bout of
amoebic dysentery for the ENTIRE TOWN.
Barely any toilet paper to be found.

"Mine wasn't gibberish."

2011-02-04T14:52:00.001-05:00

Typical day at work:

>>> Coworker 2/3/2011 3:38 PM >>>
gngpoh ecnerefnoc llac sdne noos

>>> Spleeness 2/3/2011 3:43 PM >>>
mmphghllgh mmhhhmm

>>> Coworker 2/3/2011 3:47 PM >>>
enim t'nsaw hsirebbig

>>> Spleeness 2/3/2011 4:11 PM >>>
enif.

hO haeY. tnaw oot ees ehT s'gniK hceepS worromot ebyam?

>>> Coworker 2/3/2011 4:27 PM >>>
ton elbissopmi

funny tweets (archive 8)

2011-01-31T21:45:00.004-05:00

I'm behind on my collection of funny tweets but here's a few until I get the next collection going!

TFLN (215): i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

grantstavely: I will probably die polishing an unsent e-mail.

Ind1fference: after 2+ hours the kitchen set is assembled. Some assembly required? It was more like ALL assembly required

TheBloggess: Aw. My dad just opened a box of sex magazines with me on the cover. He said I looked "Very nice". Well, that's...awkward.

symigoddess: On my way to get a massage for Festivus - like Feats of Strength except I am totally going to let him win for 90 minutes

TFLN: (308): Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the f out of the bar.

adamcarolla: I'm sick, but not too sick to go to Bill Simons to watch the games. Starve a fever, feed 9 Sam Adams to a cold.

NakedNikki: My mom and her church biddies have morphed Facebook's "People you may know" to "People who likely cleaned your face with spit on a hanky."

xenijardin: ASK NOT FOR WHOM THE WEB TROLLS. IT TROLLS FOR THEE.

tstyles77: Every time I check the Oklahoma section of "People of Wal-Mart" and I'm not pictured, I think to myself, "You've done good, kid."

Higgins_J: I need to learn how to say "May the Force be with you" in Arabic.

jack_daniel: The problem with "ugly sweater contests" is that the winner usually isn't playing.

tacone_:
█████ ██ █ ████ everything ███ █████ is█████ ████ ████ fine ████ ███ █ ██████ love. █████ ███████ ███ your █████ ████ government #wikileaks

STACEYNIGHTMARE: This coffee shop is so crowded I accidentally started working on someone else’s screenplay.

JimGaffigan: Directions to our apartment should always end with “…and follow the sound of screaming children”.

NakedNikki: My kids are obnoxious tonight. So, just how does one go about throwing the baby out with the bathwater? This drain is looking kinda small.

jordanrubin: My ancestors never had a family crest, because there's no way to draw worrying, nagging, complaining and gassy.

TheStevenWeber: There's something emotionally satisfying about strangling fruit.

micahpearson: BTW: My mother said I'm a narcissist. Or, at least I *think* she did. I couldn't hear her over the sound of how awesome I am.

pourmecoffee: I bet the prison staff is asking Assange for help in setting up their router. This always happens to the computer guy.

austinkleon: "Validate my life choices or I will bite you." - everyone you know

someecards: I look forward to spending time with you once there are no remaining traces of your minor cold.

NakedNikki: Simultaneously having a migraine and two children is nature's way of granting me empathy for species that eat their young.

kellyoxford: By the time you're 30 you realize that all of the important events in your life include stress diarrhea.

spleeness: Almost walked into a dangling spider at a cast party, milliseconds away from unwillingly becoming most dramatic performance of the night.

jstogdill: China is like that 22 yr old still living at home in suspended adolescence.

papercup: Can I have a t-shirt that says "Nihilism is Pointless"?

cmglothlin: I feel like my life is complete. Tonight I gave another guy some of my own neuroses. This pride must be like what a new father feels.

Shpantzer: I did it all for the wookie #dojocon

JimGaffigan: “Um, is there any way we can get a table near the bullet hole?”

isweatbutter: There's one I've never heard on this show before... "WWII made me do it." #HOARDERS

mccanner: OH: "so is that your partner in the wood chipper, then?"

isweatbutter: Based on the number of times fire trucks have been by my house this morning, I'm estimating 8 families burned the bird. #Thanksgiving

NakedNikki: It's important to clearly mark which egg nog has been spiked. Write that down. These kids are hilarious though.

plumbob78: I have achieved PANTS!

someecards: I want you to know that I often still think of you while we're having sex.

TFLN: (804): Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

[see more! Funny Tweets archive]

Snacks on a Plane and Lord of the Ring Tone (my favorite #lessambitiousmovies)

2011-01-18T23:26:00.000-05:00

Recently trending on Twitter has been the subject of "less ambitious movies" (using hashtag #lessambitiousmovies or #lessambitiousfilms). This swept through the Twitterverse like wildfire racking up up to 200 Tweets a minute (source: Snacks on a plane and other 'less ambitious' films.)

Here are my top 23

Have any to suggest, let me know! I can't place all the sources so if you know, leave the info in the comments.

Snacks on a plane
A Few OK Men (@Alastair)
Lord of the Ring Tone
Asleep in Seattle
White men can jump, but sometimes not as high as other men (@Operative_Me)
The Lizard of Oz
The Postman Sometimes Walks Right By My House (@chris_p_walker)
Jurassic Parking Garage (@DRossiCSCS)
The Grapes of Animosity (@stdmtj1)
The Ten Recommendations (@Mr_Solo)
Slightly Agitated Max (@Darjanator)
Mission: Might be tough but its possible (@JohnSp)
The American Vice-President (@Pres_Shepher)
A River Runs Past It (@fionasboots)
Edward Safety Scissor Hands(@GhostOfAbe)
Apocalypse When I Get To It (@Higgins_J)
The Perturbation of Khan (@l0qii)
Dude I know where my car is (@Carissajaded)
Cloudy with a chance of meatsauce (@Carissajaded)
Raiders of the Lost Crate (@plumbob78)
He Might Still Like You On Some Level (@DrMathochist)
A Longish Engagement (@DrMathochist)
The Empire Sits Back (@travelfish)

that's what she said.

2011-01-09T13:46:00.004-05:00

A conversation with my body. We prioritize differently but she's stronger and usually wins the fight.

Yesterday:

me: Good morning!

body: No.

me: C'mon, get up!

body: That was only 4 hours. I require 8.

me: Too bad, there's no more time. We have to get up now.

body: You will pay for this. I WILL get my other 4 hours.

me: Whatever. You can sleep late tomorrow. Let's go!

This morning:

me: Good morn!

body: That was only 8 hours!!

me: I know, isn't that awesome?

body: But... ::sputter:: what about yesterday? I'm still beat.

me: Nah, let's get up and write. The day is young!

body: Nooooo!!

me: Pffft. You are SUCH a wimp.

[writing happens]

body: (ahem) um, excuse me?

me: I'm busy. What's up?

body: I'm tired.

me: So? I've got things to do. You can sleep tonight.

body: But it's Sunday. You have no plans.

me: Right, but look at this LIST.

body: Juuuust a half hour? Please? Pretty please?

me: Oh alright. Fine.

[laying down]

body: Ah ha!! Bitch slap!!

me (struggling weakly): Wait, not so fierce! A LIGHT nap.

body: Fuck you. This is MY time.

[an unspecified period passes in blackness]

me: nnngggghhhh.

body: Good morn! Take two. :)

me (fumbling for watch): How LONG was that?

body (beaming): 4 hours.

me: FOUR HOURS?? You NEVER nap that long!

body (flexing): heh. That was awesome. I had to knock you out but you know, all's fair in dreams & sleep. Feed me?

me: You are an endless bag of demands!!

funny New Year's tweets

2011-01-06T22:05:00.002-05:00

Lord_Voldemort7 If you're reading this, congratulations, you've begun 2011 the same way you ended 2010... mindlessly entertained by social media. Nerd.

JezebelTheGreat My midnight kiss was warm and wet and wonderful but I don't think that old lady liked it because she had me thrown out of Walgreen's.

aedison And so passes another year in which I did not need to know how to use a protractor.

zefrank dear universe. please make it easier next year. all of it.

someecards My resolution is to spend more time avoiding friends and family.

aaand, to summarize 2010:

2010-12-31T11:58:00.000-05:00

Gif from the awesome FreckledK's blog.

Um, hi.

2010-12-30T17:55:00.000-05:00

So holiday visits can be kinda awkward when there's been a big (negative) change in your life. It's the time of year to see people not normally around everyday. On Christmas eve, I visited my Aunt's and some relatives I hadn't seen since last year. I did send out a mass holiday note of cheer saying, "Happy Holidays! Here's my new address and btw, hubby and I split and life sucks. Have a great New Year!"

So I knew they KNEW but still, we hadn't TALKED.

Sample conversation that awkward night:

Them: "zOMG, how ARE you!!"

Me (unsure of what to say): "Um, hi. My marriage ended. Other than that, you know, okay."

Them (sympathetic headcock not unlike the way a great dane considers the option of going out): "Oh wow. I'm so sorry."

Me (awkardly shifting): "Oh, pssht. I mean, there are children starving in North Korea."

Them (equally flailing awkwardly): "So what ELSE is new?"

Me (there needs to be something else??) "Well, I'm learning how to draw. And I just found out what 'moobs' are!"

::facepalm::

Actually, I do have a really awesome family, and they love me no matter what, and some of them have even been down dark roads too. Awkwardness is okay in a room full of love, even if it does waste some wine from the spraying and sputtering.

Funny Christmas tweets

2010-12-28T21:55:00.003-05:00

DateMeDCBlog Most of our conversation this holiday has centered around feeding the dog ham and his resulting farts. Yeah, we keep it classy.

Miss_MOTHRA So a fat man in red flying a sleigh equals yay. A beautiful giant moth flies by and it's all missiles and gunfire. I see how it is.

kellygo Just mused aloud in front of squabbling kids, "Do you think Santa is just waiting for kids to mess up so he doesn't have as much to carry?"

evilamy Wrapping presents, listening to Rammstein. DU! DU HAST! DU HAST GIFTS!

ihackinjosh Dear kids, There is NO Santa Claus. Those presents are from your parents. "With love, WikiLeaks"

pattonoswalt "My family sucks, I'm drunk, f Jesus and Santa, I'm fat." -- me and all my friends' Christmas Tweets.

NakedNikki I got my born-again mother an FML shirt for Christmas. Telling her it means Father, My Lord.

noblelawyer Nothing says "You're fat & dress funny," like a gift of sketchers shape-ups.

noblelawyer Because nothing says 'stress free' like sharp scissors pointed at my groin.

FakeAPStylebook "Now I Have a Machine Gun: Ho Ho Ho" is not an acceptable headline for the drunken mall Santa rampage story.

darthvader On the 9th day of #Sithmas my Dark Lord gave to me... 9 Admirals choking.

TeleEroticist Barely Legal: "Have you ever gone to the mall to sit in Santa's lap just to tease him?" "No..." "You should." Christmas is ruined.

Happy holidays!!

--> See the rest of my funny twitter update ARCHIVE here.

Anyone want to pay $208 to read a book? (Book included.)

2010-12-06T22:04:00.000-05:00

I saw this description of a class in my local college's noncredit course guide and nearly fell over:

. . .

New Novel Reading for Fun and Facts: The Castle in the Attic

Enhance your reading skills, build comprehension skills, and increase your vocabulary as you read the novel, The Castle in the Attic. Learn about the main character, William, who can't wait to play with it, he is certain there's something magical about the castle! Join us as we explore the mystery of the castle. Books will be provided.

. . .

$208 dollars??? To read a book??? You've GOT to be kidding me.

The Olives of Bliss (aka Castelvetrano olives)

2010-11-30T23:27:00.002-05:00

castelvetrano olives

It all started with an innocent trip to the grocery store. I picked up a deli carton of assorted olives. And bit into a kind I've never seen before. It was bright green and firm, unlike the dull green kind with pimientos or the more subdued and briny dark purple ones. My salivary glands immediately dumped and uncontrollable mouthwatering began. Simultaneously, my eyes rolled back into my head. I think I even stopped breathing for a couple seconds. All of this happened COMPLETELY INVOLUNTARILY.

I finished the olive and posted a status update:

Nov. 22 8:43pm
Spleeness is conducting an experiment on just how many olives is too many olives.

I thoughtfully plucked out a few more, eating each like an apple - delicately clasped between thumb and forefinger, slicing small slivers and rolling from one side to the other to fully absorb the taste and savor each slowly. I did this for about an hour and then updated:

Nov. 22 10:03pm
I can now unequivocally say that 9 olives is too many olives. But hot dayum, that was good. ::smacks lips:: (The bright green kind, sprinkled with fresh rosemary = heaven.)

I still didn't know what they were called but I eagerly awaited my next acquaintance with them.

The next day, I left work, got into the car and began the drive home when I got stuck in the most heartless traffic jam ever -- stopped within WALKING distance of my precious olives. I thought I was going to shrivel up into a bag of need. I was starving, hadn't eaten in hours and those olives were the only things on my mind. I could practically taste them.

Status update:

Nov. 23 7:04pm
Spleeness is trapped in nonmoving traffic about three tenths of a mile away from The Olives of Bliss and is growing increasingly agitated.

Finally got home and dove into them but quickly -- had to duck back out for art class, so no slow savoring. A few hours later, I returned home again, hungry for more. I looked at them and wondered if there were enough to offer my roommate. Hrm. Not yet, but maybe the next batch.

I finished the rest of the exotic olives that night. Now what was I going to do? I'd found them in a supermarket far away in Baltimore that I don't frequent. They HAD to be someplace nearby. But I knew if I was going to find them, I'd have to try someplace special since I'd never seen them in any of the local joints.

I put my bet on WHOLE FOODS. If any place knows exotic olives, it'd have to be an organic market with a kickin' variety. I'd never been to the one in my new town yet (heck, hadn't been to one in years because they're normally out of my distance and price range) but I made a pilgrimage there last night's quest.

I was very single-minded in my mission. I could not be distracted by attractive fruit displays and free tastings. I grabbed a cart, made a beeline for the back and tweeted:

Nov. 29 8:18pm
Imma fill this mf up with olives.

Nov. 29 8:28
SIGHTING!

The rest of my tweet stream/status updates regarding this, um, intense mission:

Nov. 29 8:46pm
just bought $14 worth of olives. Commence bliss!

Nov. 29 9:09pm
Olives acquired. Ppl next to me are horrifiedly wearing the "Young lady, not in public!" expression while I sigh happily at each bite.

Nov. 29 9:02pm
Not sure what kind of low this is, but I'm listening to Katy Perry & snacking on olives while STILL in supermarket. I can't stop smiling.

Nov. 29 9:13pm
I don't think I ever knew what love was before. #olives #omgfoodtastesthisgood?

Nov. 29 9:14pm
Please don't tell me olives are fattening.

Nov. 29 9:16pm
Also, I just realized this is the window seat in busy downtown Silver Spring. I'm pretty sure those little kids should have been shielded.

Nov. 29 9:21pm
Men in white coats just entered, approaching me with urgency in step. Olives, you have to go now. Shhh...

Nov. 29 11:00pm
@plumbob78 @NguyetV I AM GOING TO BRING YOU CASTELVETRANO OLIVES. They are brined in crack.

And then eight hours pass where I am asleep and thus not eating olives.

The next morning:

Nov. 30 9:00am
Olives for breakfast?

Nov. 30 9:48am
THE OLIVES OF BLISS ARE IN THE BUILDING. REPEAT: THE OLIVES OF BLISS ARE IN THE BUILDING. Let me know if you want to try them. Warning: they are brined in crack. You must sign the release first!

Tonight, I got home from art class and updated:

Nov. 30 10:15pm
Can anyone guess what I'm doing right now? Hint: it involves olives.

A friend following this saga wrote: "we'd like to schedule some time for an intervention, if you have a free period any time soon."

I don't think I've ever eaten anything and said "that's what I'm talking about!" but yeah, it HAPPENED with these olives. Like every five minutes.

If you're an olive person, COVET CASTELVETRANO OLIVES.

That is all.

Love,
Spleened in Olives
(aka: one who's spleen is now a giant olive... or at least bright green.)

Funny Twitter Updates, volume 6

2010-11-24T23:05:00.001-05:00

Funny Twitter Updates, volume 6
(ARCHIVE of funny twitter updates)

I compile these on a somewhat monthly basis. If you have any tweets to suggest, post them in the comments!

. . .

denisleary TSA conducting groin checks. Sen. Larry Craig's been thru 19 times already.

adamcarolla If I hear another diet expert bitch tell me how to watch the calories on Thanksgiving, I'm gonna violate her with a deep fried drum stick.

jrmoreau Thinking I should buy this turkey a drink before I shove my hand in there.

Ebriel Misery, I know you love company, but you haven't got mine - Hah!

jordanrubin Finally found a guy to design my website. Man, is this guy good:

http://www.yyyyyyy.info

JimGaffigan The North-South Korea fight is really getting in the way of all that important British wedding news.

TSAgov We added bacon aromas to our scanners to spice things up. But, larger passengers thought it was their skin burning.

LivitLuvit Dear diary: As I look out upon the horizon of five days without pants and a plethora of wine, I cannot help but leak a solitary tear of joy.

chrissyteigen the new victoria's secret bombshell bra not only adds 2 cup sizes but also adds to the sadness and disappointment of some young man

suzierobb "it's amazing, you look like a normal person but you are actually the angel of death."

amorrissey Is "Jim Graham striding past a possibly masturbating dancing pancake" one of the best photographs ever? Yes. Yes it is.

Full story

someecards My junk is your junk.

ShirtNinja The cute girl in this store is mopping in high heels. I think I'm in love.

mccanner OH:The last time I went they forgot to bring me my pancakes. At the International House of Pancakes. I will not support any pancake monument.

LivitLuvit Just legitimately said "Them's the breaks!" to my sister. Her: "You have officially become our father."

Mickey__Rourke So now that Four Loko's banned I'm just supposed to wash down my fist-fulls of opium with what? Coffee? My ass.

funnyoneliners I'll have a cafe mocha vodka Valium latte to go please.

LivitLuvit And then there are those nightmares that involve high school people and working at TGIFridays again and omg please kill me.

mdlachlan My wife just used the words 'need' and 'hairdresser' in the same sentence.

JimGaffigan On Amazon "Beyond the Pale" Blue Ray is only $5.99. http://tinyurl.com/2aea3cg I think I make more money when people illegally download it.

sween I say I'm allergic to dogs and he says "I'm allergic to the radioactive shards of my home planet" and I remember why I don't call Superman.

Matt_Dwyer If there was a band that had to wash their hands before every song they'd be called, OC/DC. FUCK YEAH.

Shpantzer I will be your hacker figure, put your tiny hand in mine, I will be your preacher teacher anything you had in mind... #BSidesSF

jstogdill Booked the train. I just paid $50 to not have sex. ;)

noblelawyer Almost 3pm & haven't started writing paper. Have written will & backed up computer.

JimGaffigan Choosing an emotion for this afternoon. Fear, sadness or anger? Hmmm. Anger you old pal, get over here.

mccanner woah now, there's the Monday we've all come to know and love. #whiskeynowplease?

someecards Endless hours watching the Food Network has fully prepared me to sit around watching you cook this Thanksgiving.

TFLN (413): im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

JeremyFeistXXX I'm honestly pretty okay with the whole TSA touchy-feely thing. Hell, if anything I pity the TSA agent who has to feel-up Glenn Beck.

nylonthread Nov. 26 is @nylonthread's official Get Rid of All the F#%king Crap day! Thrift stores accepting donations be warned.

sween How many times do you pass your coworker in the hall before you switch from saying "hi" to breakdance fighting?

isweatbutter "Sandra Lee does to food what Hitler did to Poland." -Anthony Bourdain

pixie658 Remember that scene in Pretty Woman when he says "I was very angry with my father" over and over? Yeah, I'm like that except with my thesis.

TFLN (321): I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one

baconaut If the burger is both In-*N*-Out, wouldn't it be better to call it Quantum Burger, or Schrödinger's Burger?

alpha1906 I can't lie. I enjoy watching Brett Favre struggle. Maybe I'll call it "Favrenfreude."

someecards Fuck you if you can't accept the fact that I'm in a spiritual place.

stephanywrites The one good thing I can say about sitting here for the past 90 minutes is the eye candy. Runner boys are cute. Too bad I look like death.

suzierobb I feel excellent. I will feel more excellent after bacon.

bldngnerd Love is eating a different cereal so you can give the last bowl of lucky charms to your son.

baconaut You know, if they gave away free Four Loko in the security line, maybe I'd WANT my junk touched.

heysuburban Hot dogs rarely feel like a brilliant idea four hours after you've consumed them.

sween When writing, imagine your target audience. Mine is a man turned into a dog by a genie. He barks. I rub his belly. His life is torment

sastier "A SQL query walks into a bar. He approaches two tables and says, Mind if I join you?"

adravan My seven year old nephew just asked "what is film?"

jack_daniel Barking dogs Christmas carols. Before Thanksgiving. Our species deserves to die out.

Kaneshow LOL! Buy FOUR LOKO and tell grandma it's Hi-C or purple stuff. #shelltakehertopoff

sabl3t3k Coffee has been acquired; morning may now commence.

kylecassidy Banish me from the bedroom, will you? Ha! Someone left the door open. I am your yowling headbutting wakeup tsunami. #morningCATface

darthvader The Phantom Dentist #boringprequels

iamDylanMorris Star Chores #boringprequel
JohnVandervest Attack of the Scones #boringprequels
matt_henson The Empire Gets a Snack #boringprequels

sween Me: "Is this when we're supposed to kiss?" Wife: "No."

darthvader The Dark Side: Where *every* Friday is Black Friday.

DateMeDCBlog You kids today and your Four Loko. In my day we made meth in our bathtubs from the chemicals in Dimetapp, and we were grateful #getoffmylawn

mccanner That's right, office workers of DC, the girl with the purple hair WAS almost imperceptibly headbanging just now at Devon & Blakely.

sabl3t3k Note: productivity increase observed in direct correlation to tunes from Stabbing Westward, Nine Inch Nails, Social Distortion, etc.

kellyrand Coffee, you're the only one who understands me.

TeleEroticist "Mmm, break my jaw with your thighs!" "How?" "Crush my face between them!" ...huh?

Matt_Dwyer I believe in nothing which means I am never disappointed when nothing answers my prayers with nothing.

BrianDunning George Carlin: "Just think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize half of them are even stupider."

KaeSaid Seeing eye dog on my bus just stuck his nose in my crotch. Was I just groped by a blind guy? ;-)

God_Damn_Batman Hey Harry Potter, if it took me eight damn movies to defeat one lame villain I'd probably give people their money back.

JokingEnvelope Satan no longer speaks to your children through Dungeons & Dragons. But only because he thinks 4th Edition sucks. #pissofftheinternet

Matt_Dwyer The guy next to me said "the DMV is like prison" I agreed and then raped him.

BorowitzReport OK, we can forgive Ireland's $70 billion debt. But we must never forgive them for Riverdance.

iKarlie I do not understand who is left to cheat with if you're married to @EvaLongoria. Let's be real.

CrashHolly Alarm clock is proof noise is blinding.

welovedc Someone in WMATA's IT department is having a worse day than you are having.
(WMATA = Washington Metropolitan Area Transit Authority)

heysuburban Kate, a Camry cannot reach 88mph. Sorry.

bethienova The TSA can pat me down, but I don't have to be quiet while they do it. #fakeorgasm #whenharrymetsally

nylonthread The woman driving behind me (stop& go traffic) has been screaming & weeping on her cell for the past 30 minutes. #pleasedonthitme

DCPrincessQ Is it possible to be in love with a month? Because I'm crushing hard on Nov. 2010 right now.

Gwen_Hernandez To the woman singing loudly in the rec center lobby, please stop!! I'm trying to write, you're not that good, & he's not that into you.

zefrank if you tweet my junk i will have you arrested.

knitterplease When your only tool is passive aggression, every problem looks like it's fine, no really, it's fine.

darthvader For those of you who asked, all I want for Sithmas is my two legs back.

AGinDC I love that Cylons have the same baby mama drama that we do.

jordanrubin Laugh and the whole world laughs with you. But crap your pants just once and the world's all "I'm out. Talk soon."

sween A woman dances on TV. I think, "She's got some cool moves." My wife says, "That woman can't dance." Beginning to realize why I can't dance.

adamcarolla When my life sucked I hated sunday nights. Now its no different then any other night, sadly neither is saturday night.

sabl3t3k These 'weekend' things really need to be longer.

TFLN (617): I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

baconaut A mixture of Manischewitz and gasoline used as a weapon would be called a Mazeltov Cocktail.

micahpearson *headdesk*...*headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk* *headdesk**headdesk* *headdesk*

Higgins_J "Chloroform Girl" by Polkadot Cadaver was written from the perspective of a man that I would like to hunt for a living.
-CristinGW @h1661n5 it was written by a dude I would like to have coffee with.
-Higgins_J @CristinGW I'll try not to shoot him in the head while you enjoy your beverage.

spleeness Grateful that 4 hours of sleep for 2 nights have rendered me too tired to care about the slab of concrete my mom calls a couch.

spleeness However, if this football-shaped dog launches itself uninvited into my half-asleep face one more time, ima make use of some punting skills.

laughstooeasily In the sentences I never thought would be needed category: "If you let a badger near your dick you deserve what happens to you."

pixie658 Re: last tweet. If you count a pot of coffee & water as "eating," then I did eat today & I can take care of myself just fine. ;)

kellygo Seeing a "Mom's Do-It-All" calendar at Target has left me disproportionately rageful.

LivitLuvit HGTV just made fun of someone for having a dirty bedsheet as a window curtain. ... WHATEVER.

snipeyhead Dear . . . world: Just because the crazies in America are . . . making the most noise, they don't represent us. I promise.

suzierobb iphone just autocorrected something to "skybarf" - i would like to know what this means.

baconaut "40 is the new 30, 30 is the new 20, 20 is the new 10, and 10 is the new fetus."

mccanner Dude, they have support groups for that RT @samerfarha: That's too many.

Carissajaded Why hello there tuna melt, and welcome to your new home in my belly.

ClevelandPoet hey people in the hallway outside my doorway do you really need to stand out there talking? Somee of like to be unemployed slackers in peace

God_Damn_Batman Playing Call of Duty Black Ops will make you feel like a badass. Know what else does? Actually being one.

heathermg I imagine there are worse ways to go than Death by Baked Goods, so I'm just gonna go for it.

katyray So, I almost forgot to pack hoes. I mean shoes. Also, nothing I own goes together anymore.

sarah_y My cat is pretty self-sustaining, but she still kneads me.

paulfeig Just reunited a sock I left in New York months ago with its partner in LA. If that's not Pixar's next movie, then I don't know what is.

someecards There's no way I'd miss seeing you run the marathon unless I get distracted during the 4 seconds when you go by.

TheBloggess Also, I just disproved everyone who argued earlier that I'm cool. I went to Austin to buy DOLLS. One was a vampire doll. Someone help me.

micahpearson Gotta love a movie that's primary script direction to the female lead is "wear a low-cut top, look sweaty, and breathe hard"

micahpearson Baby Doll seems to enjoy stabbing security man in the crotch just a BIT too much.

heathermg No time, "cook until lightly brown." It's a CHOCOLATE CAKE.

heathermg When I say "I'm off to bake" I do wonder why God doesn't strike down my kitchen with lightning as a warning/reminder.

ihatesomuch my mother just told me a story that involved my father and oral sex. i am not pleased.

ihatesomuch I'm at lowes talking about nuts and screws and there's no one here to appreciate my "that's what she said" jokes. Le sad.

clarkekant The only thing I have to fear is me myself.

dirtymarty Travel tip: wear a purple suit to the airport. Things don't move any more quickly, but it puts everyone in a good mood.

jordanrubin Slept like a baby last night. (Cried, pooped myself, made my parents reconsider their love for each other, etc)

isweatbutter "A suicide note written by someone who is not suicidal is called an autobiography."

robwillb I always found it funny when the majority tells the insulted minority that they're not allowed to be insulted.

LettersOfNote It's amazing how the the human mind does not process the the fact I used the the word "the" twice each time in this sentence.

wallingf Not everyone who votes different from you is stupid, uninformed, or following a crowd blindly.

hodgman Any time someone spells THX as "thanks!" these days, I feel like I'm reading Chaucer.

FakeAPStylebook Due to complaints, articles about newly discovered animals should no longer comment on how they taste as burgers.

armsakimbo Just took a 5 Hour Energy and my pupils constricted aka "Requiem for a Dream"

mccanner "Just wanted to make sure you weren't writing a manifesto," said the co-worker when asking why my hood is up.

Halloween Tweets:

kellyeddington If nobody knocks on our door within the next hour and 45 minutes, the candy is OURS. (Not like we haven't already eaten most of it.)

katefeetie Halloween: Helping me final get rid of the pesky blood in my blood sugar.

jordanrubin Zombies go out EVERY night. No wonder they look like shit.

cakewrecks Some Trick or Treaters are cute. The rest remind me why I'm not having children. #RingThatBellOneMoreTime #NoReallyTryIt #Punk

darthvader You've heard about fury & a woman scorned haven't you? Well, that's nothing compared to a Sith Lord cheated out of tricks or treats.

Rally for Sanity Tweets:

polgrim Superb: "My wife is a Muslim. My wife is NOT a terrorist. But I'm afraid of her anyway". Funny sign at #rally4sanity

whatscottreads Best sign: I thought this was the line for Georgetown Cupcake #rally4sanity

axidentalredhed Pass on the '95 Mustang, you're way skinnier than you think, be kinder to your mother, go with your first instincts #tweetyour16yearoldself

kylecassidy 44 minutes into conversation before someone said "idiopathic alopecia"

kellyoxford "I love her period" - missing comma, game changer

DanKrokos Writing a sequel is like going to dinner with old friends. Except dinner lasts three months and some of your friends die.

TheBloggess Me: Huh. I hit 70,000 followers this morning. Victor: I hit the mailman last week. With the car. Me: You win.

ganson My email inbox is getting out of hand:

baconaut Today, we honor the great scientist Bonnie Tyler, who pioneered the field of applied cardioastronomy. #music #eclipse #heart

artful_username Dear Sleep, I know the boss said I can come in late tomorrow, but I still need you. Please come back, baby. I'm sorry.

sintixerr i can handle being damned if i do, handle damned if i dont. getting damned if i did, and damned in case i didn't at the same time sucks

noblelawyer Show me on the doll where the TSA agent touched you.

livitluvit Also, I shouldn't be laughing, but there was just a fender bender and the offended party is shouting "motherfucka, Imma bout to LEGISLATE!!"

livitluvit Oh, 3am. We *have* to stop meeting like this. Sigh.

sween Show me a person who doesn't walk on the escalator and I'll show you a person who will transition poorly into the zombie apocalypse.

laughstooeasily In the epic battle of ceramic tile floor vs. cat food glass, cat food glass's loss was total.

isweatbutter "These particular bike shorts look like her thighs are eating them." #ShitMichaelKorsSays #ProjectRunway

heysuburban Ironically, my iPhone will not autocorrect "ahtocorrected" into "autocorrected."

DrMathochist "I need to know that my children will be free to worship in the way that *I* decide is right." #Glee

Higgins_J "That which does not kill me makes me say 'Whoa! That was close!'"

mckeay It's definitely Monday with a vengance.

kellygo My thanks to the parents who sent in cupcakes & juice for their kid's birthday. I hope to peel Liam off the ceiling before bedtime. How fun.

sabl3t3k $var{lunch}

. . .

This was volume 6 of funny twitter updates.
Funny twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->

PSA: Every DAY three 747s crash. Fight cancer.

2010-11-09T11:45:00.003-05:00

Every 2 minutes, 28 people die of cancer.

Last year, 562,340 Americans died of cancer. That equals THREE 747s crashing every day.

1 in 1,000 Americans is a survivor of childhood cancer.

In memory of Uncle Paul, Uncle Dominic, Grandma, Karen, Linda's mom, Jackie's sister & mom, John's mom, Sue, and for friends (including bloggers like Suburban Sweetheart) & loved ones who've lost someone to cancer.... and anyone who battled, or is battling a diagnosis... or is standing by bewildered and helpless watching someone else one fight, this is for you.

I chose two charity cancer organizations for my workplace donation this year.

1. One is research-oriented.

There are more than 200 causes of cancer, not just one, and so research is crucial. It takes about seven years and more than a billion dollars to get a drug approved. Last year alone there were 850 drugs in the pipeline but only two approved.

The American Association for Cancer Research

2. The other is for people & families suffering through cancer diagnosis & treatment.

Cancer Care, Inc. offers financial assistance, professional counseling, and help for anyone affected by cancer.

If you would like to honor the memory of someone, you can leave their name in the comments below.

This is for you.

I hope for a cure. And for love, support and help for all in need.

"Man can live about forty days without food, about three days without water, about eight minutes without air, but only for one second without hope."
~Hal Lindsey

*Source: American Association for Cancer Research

Chat conversation of the day.

2010-11-05T22:29:00.006-04:00

Chat conversation of the day:

me: hey guess what??? Important news!

friend: what?

me: You can't tell ANYONE.

friend: of course I won't.. what's up?

me: I am stunned.

friend: huh?

me: Like, my jaw is on the floor. I don't even know how to write this. sigh. I'll just say it.

friend: ok

me: I think you could roll with it.

me: you there??

friend: yea, I'm here...

me: Don't leave me, I need your support on this. Do I have your support and everlasting friendship?

friend: ok

me: no, not "ok" - I need to know you'll be there.

friend: well, depends..

me: No, no, you have to promise. So, you on board?

friend: what do you think. yes

me: sigh. ok, here it goes.

me: MILEY CYRUS AND LIAM HEMSWORTH BROKE UP.

me: AGAIN.

friend: I swear I'm going to punch you in the mouth!!!!

Then I called my friend, laughing so hard I had to wipe the mascara from my cheeks. I took a deep breath. "Um, I actually don't know who Liam Hemsworth is."

"I started to sweat!!" they said. "You really got me nervous!"

Friday WIN.

Dontcha wish your girlfriend was just like these

2010-11-02T21:52:00.000-04:00

It's impossible to stay in a somber mood watching the lady in the bathrobe. She can ROCK. Actually, they're both awesome.

NaNoWriMo, or how I'm committing to another impossible project

2010-11-01T22:30:00.002-04:00

I just signed up for NaNoWriMo, National Novel Writing Month; an online (and sometimes in-person) movement that encourages writing by offering a sense of community to this normally very solitary process.

I did it because I've been thinking about it ever since I met Karen and she told me all about it and shared her amazing and creative novel idea.

And now she's dead.

She never finished her story.

I did it because that was 4 years ago and I don't know if I have a story in me or not, but I might have something in between all the little shards of this year of wind and fire and sun and rain.

I did it because I want to improve. The only way to do this is to practice, like drawing or dancing. It's okay fall down sometimes. If a toddler were overcome with discouragement at failure the way adults seem to be, no child would ever learn to run. But yet babies fall all the time and get up and keep trying.

"What we call failure is not the falling down but the staying down."
~Mary Pickford

And so this is my year of falling.

And I did it because it is said that writing prolifically and frequently liberates some portion of the self that cannot be unlocked without regular forays into the depths of the soul.

I've never written a novel before. The last time I composed a fictional story was in 7th grade English class. But I am going to try at least a page a day in the hopes that I find gems even among the garbage.

A writer friend eloquently supported this logic during a recent discussion: "I feel strongly that the act of writing every day, whether you produce poetry, prose, or putrescence, is valuable. To me, it's not just the practice of stringing words together; it's practice at entering that realm where I can see the story."

And of course, NaNoWriMo says (on why we should bother):

Aiming low is the best way to succeed. With entry-level novel writing, shooting for the moon is the surest way to get nowhere. With high expectations, everything you write will sound cheesy and awkward. Once you start evaluating your story in terms of word count, you take that pressure off yourself. And you'll start surprising yourself with a great bit of dialogue here and a ingenious plot twist there. Characters will start doing things you never expected, taking the story places you'd never imagined. There will be much execrable prose, yes. But amidst the crap, there will be beauty. A lot of it.

. . .

Art for art's sake does wonderful things to you. It makes you laugh. It makes you cry. It makes you want to take naps and go places wearing funny pants. Doing something just for the hell of it is a wonderful antidote to all the chores and "must-dos" of daily life. Writing a novel in a month is both exhilarating and stupid, and we would all do well to invite a little more spontaneous stupidity into our lives.

Want to join me? It's not too late. There's a whole month in front of us.

The WMATA trains of FAIL

2010-10-31T21:40:00.004-04:00

Saturday I had to go downtown for a memorial service right in the middle of what my mom would say is "en mitten drinnen," Yiddish for "in the middle of things." And so, in the middle of Jon Stewart's Rally for Sanity (see its 100 best signs), I vetoed driving and ended up in the Washington Metro Area Transit Authority nest of f*** which culminated in 2 mile jog/walk from Dupont Circle to Georgetown.

I spent almost the entire train ride trying not to accidentally start a family with the multitudinous strangers whose lower limbs, vying for space, found themselves wrapped themselves around my thighs during a long, awkward train ride made longer because we kept stopping due to track maintenance and heavy volume. When we DID stop, doors opened and eager riders gazed longingly at us packed sardines and instantly calculated the futility of a fit. Not a single other person was able to squeeze on after Silver Spring, and we weren't even in DC yet . Also, this trek, undertaken after much metro jostling and a sprint up the Dupont Circle escalator of doom (which was broken so no resting!), added a note of comic urgency to the already pressing matter of making a remembrance service on time.

Look at this packed station!

The insanity! Metro photo from Deb

Funny Twitter updates, volume 5

2010-10-27T22:10:00.002-04:00

Funny Twitter updates, volume 5:

isweatbutter "Give me some chocolate or I. Will. Cut. You."

anthropocon At the store I saw carrots packaged to be handed out on Halloween. Might as well just hand out eggs and paint a bullseye on your house.

tstyles77 I just witnessed a chicken crossing the road. I now have concrete evidence why they do it. To get to the other side & stare back wistfully.

suzierobb 10 hours of sleep and still sick. The chance of me being a legit zombie by Halloween is getting serious.

CristinGW Driving is evidently a water soluble skill.

sintixerr "Do you want bar food, or a real dinner?" "Uhm. What's the difference?"

dallendoug my mom's laptop blue-screened the morning after she was looking art the macbooks. Coincidence? I THINK NOT!

wilw Dog: I HAVE A TOY! Me: Neat! Dog: DON'T TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME! Me: Okay. Dog: WHY AREN'T YOU TRYING TO TAKE IT AWAY FROM ME?! Me: Oh. Right.

tremaine: PhilosoRaptor speaks! If tomatoes are a fruit, isn't ketchup technically a smoothie?

lauriewrites Every time you bitch-tweet about Foursquare, a user who doesn't care gets a badge.

sween As Winston Churchill once said, "Wait a minute -- I never said this."

armsakimbo Today's mood has officially been elevated to "Scorched Earth"

Veronica OH: "I've been down that road before, and it ends in a cul-de-sac of pain."

iKarlie Is it possible to die from being awake too early?

5tevenw I have CDO. It's like Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, but in alphabetical order as it should be.

someecards One quality I'm not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm.

funnyhumour I have an amazing ability! I find objects just before people lose them. The police, however, call it theft.

ebertchicago Why do so many conservatives hit the best-seller lists?
h1661n5 @ebertchicago Small words and large print.

ihatesomuch And then someone at my table yelled "I didn't douche the other times!" And I knew it was going to be a good night.

quinncy Chamomile tea, can I get some sense of when you'll give me that relaxed sense of well-being the box illustration promised?

WhySharksMatter "Large crocodiles don't move very much and they eat people, making them difficult study subjects" #GreatTextbookQuotes

PraxisUniversal Me: "Sorry I'm late. Car trouble." Him: "What kind of car trouble?" Me: "It doesn't go 300 miles an hour to compensate for my late start."

Superheropaul I'm so tired today that all i wanna do is crawl home from work on my hands and knees and be fed chocolate until I sleep.

mccanner We already live in the future I care most about: the one where I can get spicy tofu delivered to my door so I can stay inside on a rainy day

heysuburban I dreamed that I slept on an air mattress that was much more comfortable than the air mattress I slept on.

denisleary Chrysler finds workers are smoking weed and boozing on the job. Finally - an explanation for the Cordoba.

This was volume 5. See:
Funny twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->

Alas, Edwin the Unbearable was not meant to be.

2010-10-19T22:54:00.007-04:00

So, Friday I got a lipoma removed, which is basically a ball of fat. Which, I guess, is basically what I am, except this thing didn't also have a central nervous system.

Yet.

I decided not to name it though I toyed with the idea of calling it Edwin the Unbearable.

The procedure was not as relaxing as I hoped. I now understand what it feels like to have a scalpel scrape across the abdominals. It is not something that would be enjoyable repeating. I also learned something else that was useful: the epinephrine anesthetic, while enthusiastic at inhibiting blood flow (a plus during any surgical procedure), does not really work on muscle fibers. I heard the staff discuss this after they peeled me off the ceiling. Three times. "We didn't realize it was going to be this deep," they explained. Note: next time, request the stuff that actually works on ALL tissue.

So today, the area was particularly tender. The doc checked and determined that I was just doing a bit much but was otherwise okay. They wanted to see me again in a month and sent me up front to make an appointment with the receptionist. This kind of thing happens all the time at doctor's offices, right? People make appointments and stuff?

Here's the ensuing convo that occurred:

me: I'd like to make a followup appointment next month for a wound check (thinking if I am using the EXACT SAME lingo the doctor told me, they should know).

receptionist: For what?

me: A wound check.

receptionist: Why?

me: To... check... the... wound?

receptionist: What for?

me: They said they want to check it in a month.

receptionist: Why?

me: To see how it's healing.

receptionist: For what?

me: To check it! (wanting to scream THIS CANNOT BE THE FIRST TIME YOU EVER HEARD THIS!!)

We finally started speaking the same language, I made an appointment and bolted.

Now I am exceptionally tired and cranky and going to bed in 3...2...1...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!!

This is how it starts

2010-10-19T00:13:00.005-04:00

And this is how it starts, the procrastination.

Yesterday I heard something scratching incessantly at the air conditioning unit in my bedroom. Half-asleep, I picked up the nearest thing within reach, a paperback, and tossed it towards the A/C, thinking the noise would scare off any wayward critters before they ended up inside. I'm no fool. I realize it's warm, comfortable and dry in here and this observation is not lost to birds and squirrels.

So, I tossed this homemade anti-beastie device whilst gripped by the tentacles of slumber, one eye completely closed and the other squinting sluggishly, collapsing immediately back into soft pillows the second the book left my fingertips.

In my eager plans, I neglected to account for the Rube Goldbergesque architecture and placement of the site of attack; namely my bed, a fake plant, the A/C unit, one airborne book, and two decorative vases.

Over the next four seconds, the book, trajectory slightly altered by the fake plant, hit the unit, toppling a nearby vase which fell and bounced off a second vase.

I am convinced that there exists in the human body a separate nervous system designed to expedite the processing of shattering glass, fingernails on a chalkboard, screeching brakes, mating cats and screaming babies. This consists of a direct line linking the eardrum to the ZOMG!! alarm center of the brain.

The last time I heard glass explode at this volume was when I accidentally left a plate on the stove. A burner was mistakenly turned on to "high" and instantly rendered my attractive dinnerware into shrapnel.

At this most recent shattering of glass, I bolted upright out of bed and surveyed the damage. Shards of glass EVERYWHERE. Even across the room several feet away.

Note that it was 7am Sunday morning.

Awesome.

So I did what any responsible person would do: I went back to sleep.

Fast forward to noon.

Mind you, I'm catching up on sleep from Friday's minor surgical procedure and so I wasn't eager to leap out of bed even then. But I got up, carefully focusing on not slicing open my feet. I'd already been cut open with a sharp instrument a few days ago and didn't relish another reason to revisit this activity.

I bent over carefully and began picking up the pieces.

Brain: You realize this isn't going to work. You cannot pick up every last little piece. We need to vacuum.

me: okay.

me: wait. I don't have a vacuum anymore.

Brain: Fine. BUY a vacuum.

me: okay.

me: but... I can't just leave the house. I need to shower and dry my hair and then redress the bandages and then clean out my purse and balance my checkbook!*

*seriously.

And so that is how I started my afternoon nap.

The mere prospect of the steps required to attack this new dilemma filled me with an overwhelming fatigue demanding no less than the complete and utter abandonment of consciousness.

I couldn't just pick up a vacuum and clean like normal people, I had to shower and shave and leave the house and get gas and drive to the store and look for things which will have to be plugged in and tested because I have OCD about buying crappy appliances. . . I could just see entire hours whittling away in which I neither write NOR rest, effectively meeting none of my personal needs for a Sunday.

So I bought a vacuum online.

Then I carefully picked up as much glass as possible, only slicing into one digit in the process. But I got my R&R!

Procrastination flowchart (click to enlarge)

Check!

2010-10-15T15:58:00.003-04:00

What a day!!

Minor reaction to flu shot, check.
Minor car accident, check.
Minor surgery, check.
Begin reading book about 9/11 death, check.
Scour sympathy cards, pick two, check.

Just about the only positive thing is that I have doctor's orders to avoid situps for a month!

I am class example for teh suck!

2010-10-14T23:59:00.000-04:00

I think it's annoying when people blog about not blogging, so I haven't bothered to write that I already screwed up my "I swear I will blog every day this month" commitment for National Blog Posting Month. I figured you either noticed, or didn't, and I'd write again when my muse woke.

Well, she rose earlier this week.

I started taking an introduction to drawing class last week. The class description specifically mentioned this was for beginners, for those wanting to learn how to draw. NOT for people who already have talent.

I signed up.

The first exercise was a "contour" drawing: stare at an object and trace it WITHOUT lifting the pencil from paper and without actually LOOKING at what you're doing. "Go slowly," the instructor said, "your hand will outline what your eye sees."

Yeah? Here's the "vase" I "saw":

If you need a good laugh, seriously, right now, try it. Trace the outline of something without actually looking at the paper. You've just done a contour drawing!

We practiced this a few times and I kept snorting at my results. I wanted to try using my other hand just to mix it up even though I am NOT ambidextrous. "How much worse could it get?" I thought.

The instructor began circling the room to check on us.

Instructor: "How are you doing?"

me: "Alright, I guess. I tried this with both hands and it's interesting that I can't really tell which hand did which." I pointed to my paper. "See? This was my left hand and this other one, my right."

Instructor: "Which do you prefer?"

me: "I'm right-handed."

He excitedly grabbed my sketchbook and held it up to the class.

"Look! Here's a GREAT example of how you need ABSOLUTELY NO MECHANICAL SKILL WHATSOEVER to do this exercise. None! See? She did this [awful, crude, primitive, toddler's rendition] vase with both left and right hands. If you ask me, the left hand actually looks a little better."

He circled the class, pointing to my scribbles. "No skill! None! It's perfect!!"

I brightened behind the easel, proud of my lack of talent. I was the class example for teh suck!

Yay?

"See how her brain was less constricted by what she was 'supposed' to be seeing in the left-handed drawing? It's more symmetrical. It's a truer view of the vase."

He delivered the sketchpad back, adding, "See if you all want to try this" to the rest of the room.

(The vases were slightly different.)

The next class focused on "gesture" drawing. This involved scribbling out a shape in 15 seconds.

"It doesn't even have to LOOK like the thing," the instructor stated. "You really just want the *essence* of what it's DOING."

So, uh, here's the chair I was sitting on:

Quite clear, right?

I spent the next 2.5 hours scribbling things and fantasizing about how I maybe should have enrolled in something extremely inartistic like accounting. Every sketch seemed to exceed the previous one by an exponential factor of suck.

Then I got home, threw on some trance music, stared at the CD cover and my brain lit up. Inspired, I tried one last sketch for the night:

I've never been able to draw faces before. People in general are extremely difficult. Either I needed those 2 hours to warmup or trance tunes act as calisthenics for the non-visual brain but I felt like maybe this class could actually help me learn to see.

If I could actually learn to create? Bonus.

ANybody else have anything they'd RATHER be doing than marching UP AND DOWN the SQUARE?

2010-10-07T06:00:00.000-04:00

One of my favorite Monty Python clips (2 minutes):

"LEARNING THE PIANO?!?!?!?!" <-- Ha!

The Cow Who Wanted to be a Hamburger (short film clip by Bill Plympton)

2010-10-06T07:00:00.000-04:00

Another film I saw at DragonCon: The Cow Who Wanted to be a Hamburger, by Bill Plympton, described in the IMDB as "A children's fable about the power of advertising, the meaning of life and ultimately the test of a mother's love."

See Bill Plympton's blog post for more info.

Skylight, by David Baas (short film clip)

2010-10-05T14:38:00.005-04:00

One of the best short films I've seen lately is Skylight by David Baas:

part 2:

These short clips show only about a minute of the very beginning, but the audience I was with was *howling* all the way through. The movie features penguins in their statement about the hole in the ozone layer. If you get a chance, check out a screening. (As of today, nothing's scheduled, but I hope they update their site soon to reflect future indie film showings.)

"I stab you because I care" (and other snippets overheard at DragonCon)

2010-10-04T23:59:00.002-04:00

Have you heard of DragonCon? I hadn't before recently. It's a Science Fiction convention in Atlanta that attracts around 30-40,000 people annually; people dress up in bizarre and interesting outfits and attend panels and film showings. I went with a huge group of like 30 people; here are some shots from that long Labor Day weekend:

Overheard at Dragoncon:

(Overheard at a steak house)
"I'm sorry, we are out of steak."
"Why do you hate my freedom?"

"Dude, the term 'laundering money' is
just supposed to be an expression."

"This elevator can hold ten people... or three Americans."

"I stab you because I care."

"I thought there might be a corset in my future until I realized they cost more than my plane ticket."

"Ok, so, an Irishman walks out of a bar...
(loooooong pause)
...and so that's the joke... The Irishman doesn't actually ever leave the bar..."

Photos:

Dragoncon missed connections:
(Reposted from another website, see link to ALL below.)

You - WOW blond wizard. Me - ancient wizard. You were pressing awfully hard into me during our photo. Just wondering if there was a lingering interest. Put your robe color in Subject Line of first email.

I can't figure out why I left without getting your contact information. I know your name is Dan, and you make leather jackets. You were the best Wolverine I've ever seen. We talked for a while, just standing in the crowd. I wish I could find a picture of us. Hopefully, I'll see you at another convention soon. :)

see ALL -->

Tomorrow I'll dig up some of the really neat short films I saw.

Um, so??

2010-10-03T11:59:00.002-04:00

My best girlfriend M used to work at an Arby's when she was in high school. They neglected to mention that they were running a special deal where any person who said this certain phrase from a commercial would automatically get a free hamburger.

So, she's standing at the register when this dude walks up and the following conversation ensues:

M: "Hi, welcome to Arby's. Can I help you?"

Dude: "I'M A BURGER BURN OUT!!!!"

crickets

M: " "
(<-- how do you even respond to this kind of unsolicited announcement??)

Dude: "Don't I get a free hamburger or something?"

M: "Um, hold on a minute...."

She went into the back room where her boss proceeded to finally fill her in on the special promotion.

Mr. Burger Burnout did, indeed, receive a free burger for his shameless parroting, M went home with a story so hilarious her friend has now blogged it eons later, the ad company got proof that at least one shmuck heard the script, Arby's got an extra customer, and everyone was happy.

The End.

an adventurous spine-bending evening

2010-10-02T15:00:00.005-04:00

If you've been following my Twitter feed, you know that I've been suffering from the plague. The tentacles of death seem to become boldest at night as they've been reaching through my dreams, yanking me out of the underworld and thrusting me into an amniotic sac of wakeful sickness into which I cannot breathe. I'd juuuust drift off into a sweet slumber (a blissful reprieve from this ailing consciousness) and suddenly bolt upright choking and gasping for air. This has been happening all week. And so I am missing about 5 good nights of sleep.

Sleep-deprivation, incidentally, is an exceptionally cruel torture method. This cold seemed to be getting worse, not better, and so last night, weary as I was, could not rest. I'd get 5 minutes into a dream before being rudely ripped awake in above said fashion. This happened repeatedly for hours.

After a particularly violent bout of choking where I almost vomited, I started to cry. Uncle! However, I could not even afford myself the luxury of self-pity as tears bring with them their own poison and I couldn't allow an increase in snot production. I swallowed the bitter feelings of the repose-impoverished and decided to try a new game plan. Even overdosing on medicine didn't seem to help so something else was in order.

I'd BEEN sleeping on a stack of pillows up high. I'm a back sleeper, so this felt not unlike lounging on the couch. But it still didn't help. I decided to try sleeping on my side. Note that with the current setup, this approach required a kind of bending of the spine which probably should not occur at all, let alone for 8+ hours straight:

However, I am pleased to report that it seemed to help. I slept!! And the muscle aches don't feel much different so either I'm already so broken it doesn't matter what contorted position I shape myself into at night, or the spine, when heated to a temperature above the bodily norm of 98.6, is able to bend much more gracefully than expected. Experiment to be repeated tonight.

teh hunch of misery

2010-10-01T22:37:00.000-04:00

I just joined NaBloPoMo -- National Blog Posting Month. It's an online community of people who pledge to write out their spleens every day for a month straight. I've been sporadic enough lately that ima try this.

I stand before you, humble in my spleeness, clutching a snot rag in one hand and mightily blogging with the other, to bring to you this masterpiece depicting ME, right now. I call it "Teh Hunch of Misery." Snot rag goes up for auction next month.

Love,
Your half-dead spleeness
(ps. see you tomorrow!)

Funny twitter updates, volume 4

2010-09-27T23:22:00.001-04:00

Funny twitter updates, volume 4:

@heysuburban: Lady, if you're doing lunges on the train, you don't get to snap at the dude who bumps into you, especially when he apologizes profusely.

@artful_username The locksmith is here. And the stupidity tax is mighty. Ow.

@dallendoug Ten of the first twenty tweets I see going through my stream this morning are about coffee. #sensingatrend

@Pres_Bartlet: It's 10am, and 'Drunk' is a trending topic on twitter in Washington D.C.

@sintixerr wow. this sleep thing was pretty awesome. i should do it more.

@heysuburban A small, frail old woman just screamed, quite loudly & right in my face, "WHERE IS THE ELEVATOR?" - repeatedly. Inexplicably terrifying.

@themadderhat Dear iPhone dictionary: I always mean "things." I never mean "thongs."

@sabl3t3k Beer o'clock is rapidly approaching.

@sabl3t3k cmd[sleep{now}]

@jordanrubin Lady Gaga says all the things I'm thinking but never say because I have a left side of my brain.

@Gwen_Hernandez Asked by swim coach as part of teaching moment: What's the Washington Redskins' biggest problem? One kid's answer: They suck.

@h1661n5 "Men turn into James Bond villains when they plan weddings. 'I'm gonna need 30 human skulls...for centerpieces...no plastic won't do.'"

@JimGaffigan "Gym, tan, laundry". Wow. I'm like the opposite of that.

@nylonthread There's something wrong with my spell-checker. It didn't recognize butyrylcholinesterase, darned thing!

@b1sm The Pope mobile: Because nothing says "I have faith in God" like 4 inches of bulletproof glass.

@eaglesdc All 3 escalators at Dupont South metro appear to be working. In related news Satan just logged on to Amazon.com to buy ice skates.

@SteveLeveen Sign in bakery outside Boston: "Unattended children will be given espresso and a free puppy."

@jadabradley Just prevented a woman from going into the men's room @busboysandpoets. Yes, I am saving the world bit by bit.

@TeleEroticist "I bite down on your nipple as hard as I can." "I smash your penis with the hammer of Thor." And he hung up. Pussy.

@JimGaffigan Why do they call it a 'Happy Meal' when it turns children into monsters?

@alpha1906 Ray Lewis just Terry Tated a man.

@matthewbaldwin Why I have half a mind to get another lobotomy.

@Joan_Rivers I read that Snooki is an organ donor, which should make future recipients very happy since Snooki's body has never rejected anything.

@suzierobb right now i need: lunch, a nap, high thread count sheets and perhaps a snuggle. i'm 0 for 4.

@michaelianblack Mantra: Today I will do amazing things. Or eat pancakes.

@BenKenobisGhost How scared do you have to be of a book that the only response you can think of is "KILL IT! KILL IT WITH FIRE!"

@sween Every time I start to question someone else's choices, I remember I wear cargo pants. And then I shut up.

@IamMademoiselle My liver just handed its notice in. Packed its bag and walked off down Oxford Street.

@mrgan Suggestion for Amazon: a big switch at the top of the page that says "I'm viewing this product as a joke, do not save to history."

@stevewhitaker If you want my body / and you think I'm sexy... Rod Stewart, master of the Boolean Seduction.

@amichaelberman My wife tried to phone my teen daughter on cell, no answer, but when I posted "please call" on her Facebook page the phone rang in 5 mins.

@kylecassidy one of the kittens renamed my hard drive ////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

@Pollypoptart Lying in bed. Noisy flatmate has just started loudly "singing" the song Perfect Day.Ironically, the day has lost what perfection it had now.

@monkeyrotica Sign in bathroom: "Do not flush foreign objects in toilet." Domestic objects are still cool, right? Should I check their birth certificate?

@baconaut On consequences: For a very brief period in '95, I became apostate and stopped believing. Within thirty minutes, Steve Perry beat me up.

@TFLN (310): Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

@JayFerris 3 days of packing, lifting, and painful jerking. There's a joke in there somewhere, but I'm too tired to make it.

@sween My wife scratched my head and I barked like a seal. It'd probably be more acceptable if this was due to a fetish, but it's just what we do.

@pixie658 today = BUILD ALL THE THINGS! :)

@quinncy "Miss talking to you. Parenting is trying to kill me. Are you tired? My eyelids look weird." This is all my friends and I email each other.

@sween Has anyone told the Pakistani flood victims John Travolta and Kelly Preston are expecting a baby boy? It would probably cheer them up.

@quinncy My mouth ran away from my brain today. AGAIN. At what age can I expect that to stop happening?

@TheBloggess It's nice to see that there's a #twitterprom because there really weren't enough dances in high school that I didn't get invited to.

@darthvader Ruling the galaxy w/ an iron fist is great and all, but what I really want is to direct.

@micahpearson Despite the advertising, I *can* believe it's not butter.

@joshlos Not sure why "Stayin' Alive" just showed up on my early-90s Pandora station, but its powers have rendered me defenseless to thumb it down.

@michaelianblack Just learned that Tallahassee is an old Seminole word meaning, "Trailer park."

@h1661n5 #using #hashtags #ofanykind #attracts #spammers #like #crazy

@FakeeEtiquette It is rude to post a dating-site profile picture that actually looks like you.

@whisper1111 a nation breathlessly awaits glenn beck's "i have a scheme" speech.

@TheBloggess So apparently *I'm* the only one getting the "You have parasites" ad while everyone else is getting an ad for Gap jeans. Yay, self-esteem!

@isweatbutter Today I am thankful that I don't live in a city named Placenta.

@heysuburban I just got out of a cab & a man yelled "SNOOKI!" & I want to cry.

@kylecassidy I am covered in kittens and working on War Paint. There will be photos.

@isweatbutter My g/f is oddly entertained by the fact that when you Google "ill fitting triple panty," I'm the 1st search result. Thank you #ProjectRunway

@ThatKevinSmith Via @VitaminD82 "ever thought about working with de Niro or Pacino" Closest that'd get to happening'd be if I opened a Lawn Mowing business.

@richramirez1 People say you can't love your kids anymore than you already do. BS, I love my kids much more after 9am and much less prior.

@TheBloggess Also, I need an exorcist. A plague of scorpions, mold, 3 pets dead in 24 hours. I suspect the house was built on an Indian graveyard.

@jstogdill OH (On dating after divorce): it's nice to go out with someone who likes you.

@katyray Should I feel awkward that there's a calisthenics class going on w/in ten feet of me while I eat my sandwich?

@OneFineJay Everything is better—wait for it—fried: RT@ IEatMousetraps There are French fried toenail clippings on eBay. What. The. F.

@ofthebad "Unicorns are just horses that can stab people."

@jordanrubin My Jewish mother always told me that if I put my mind to it, I can't accomplish anything.

@anya1anya: Art school isn't the only way to make connections. Its merely the most expensive.

@Taracita Perusing the statuettes in the gift shop and lamenting the poor quality. They just don't make graven images like they used to.

Now, this was volume 4, view the
Funny twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->

Good morning! Sink and rust.

2010-09-20T00:10:00.001-04:00

Rise and shine! Oh, oops. It's Monday. I meant sink and rust!

stuff my mom says

2010-09-12T22:16:00.001-04:00

"Backpacking isn't fun because it's like schlepping around with a sofa on your back." ~my mom

well, that was entirely unhelpful.

2010-09-01T15:04:00.003-04:00

Dear live chat support,

Thank you for all the help you did NOT give today.

This was basically the chat convo:

me: Hi, I just took an online training class but it's not showing up under "courses in progress" or "courses completed." I'm trying to print the certificate that proves I took it, can you help?

them: Can you please check if the course is showing up under "courses in progress"?

me: I checked; it is not.

them: How about "courses completed?"

me: (thinking... AS I JUST SAID...) No, it isn't.

them: huh.

me: ::pulls hair out::

Primal scream in 3...2...1... join me?

To lose one pound, double-click your mouse six million times.

2010-08-31T00:39:00.003-04:00

I hate the word "diet." It implies the temporary eating of cardboard-like substances that will melt away all the wrong parts of my body but not my ass. I can't just pretend I'll never eat junk food again, peeps. Get real.

And so I don't diet. I have never dieted.

For most of my life weight has never been an issue. But that all changed when I took... (drumroll)... CLARITIN.

Yep, that's right. The allergy med. I put on some weight and asked my doc what's going on? He tested my thyroid and other stuff but it all looked good.

Then he asked me, "are you taking any medicines?"

Uh yeah. Just Claritin. (For the horrid bugbites at right. Note: there are 16 welts in this pic alone -- the entire leg had like 70. How was I not anemic? I hope the little over-engorged bloodsucking bastards dropped dead immediately upon finishing their feast.)

Well, it turns out that Claritin makes people hungry. In fact, it's so effective at this that doctors sometimes prescribe it to old people who need to gain weight.

This is where I learned that weight, once you put it on, is extremely hard to take off.

I wrote this post because I wanted to share what I learned while playing the losing game.

About fat

Researchers are starting to think fat acts more like a system rather than just a lil' ol' cell. Lots of complex stuff happens so I'll cite findings here:

"The medical profession’s advice to overweight patients used to be straightforward: Eat less, exercise more. Today scientists know it’s not that simple. The body monitors—and defends—its energy stores with an arsenal of potent molecules. One of these is the so-called hunger hormone, ghrelin, perhaps the most powerful appetite stimulant yet discovered. In June researchers at UCLA reported how exposure to ghrelin could help explain why some of us consistently overeat." ~Discover magazine

"Ghrelin appears to suppress fat utilization in adipose (fat) tissue. This may explain why dieters who lose weight and then try to keep it off make more ghrelin than they did before dieting. It's as if their bodies are fighting to regain the lost fat, researchers reported in the New England Journal of Medicine. In short, their bodies seem to be trying to hold on to fat stores in case there is another "famine."" ~eNotAlone.com

"...Fat cells around the abdomen produce an appetite-inducing hormone known as Neuropeptide Y (NPY). Researchers have always believed that only the brain produces the hormone NPY. But leading study author Dr. Kaiping Yang, found that the abdominal fat in obese rats also produced the hormone.... it sends signals to the individual that they are constantly hungry." ~Natural News

"Eat too much sugar and you may end up storing it in your belly -- when you eat sweets, your body releases insulin which causes fats in your bloodstream to be moved into the fat cells." Dr.Mirkin.com

I am also convinced (but don't know if research will verify) that the more sweets I eat, the stronger the cravings. Would going cold-turkey suffice? I like sugar too much to find out. I can't imagine myself as the calorie gestapo.

If you are like me, here are some things you can do to improve your health without dieting.

10 Things you can do to lose weight
(9 before I even mention exercise!)

1. Maybe your meds are making you fat. Some medications do cause weight gain. (See Prescription drugs that cause weight gain, by Johns Hopkins Health Alerts.)

2. Get lots of sleep. Being sleep-deprived makes you release cortisol, which makes you hungry. (See Stress affects body and mind from NIH.)

3. Stressed? Do things that calm you -- dive into a good book, take a long bath, listen to good music, practice yoga or stretching. Stress causes cortisol to be released which... guess... yup! It makes you hungry. (See How stress causes weight gain, from the Washington Times.)

4. Don't diet. It lowers your metabolism. Eat small meals every few hours. And eat things that are satiating, like nuts (not too many -- they're good for you but no more than about, say, 15 cashews or almonds or 6 macadamia nuts, since they're so calorie-dense). Also good: fruits, veggies and high-fiber carbs. (See One big meal versus many small meals a day from Columbia University's Go Ask Alice column.) If you're managing diabetes or another health condition, be sure to follow your doctor's nutrition advice: apples may be ok for me but not necessarily for a diabetic.

(My big downfall is managing my cravings so more on that in a bit. We all know what we should be eating, it's just actually doing it.)

5. Don't eat diet soda or sugar-free sweets. Research is showing that eating sweet things makes the brain expect a big caloric intake. And when it doesn't come, it will make you hunger for more until you take in the amount of calories it expected. (See Drink more diet soda, gain more weight?, by WebMD.)

6. Don't drink juice. It fills the body with empty calories and ends up making you hungry. (Juice as bad as soda, docs say, from CBS news.)

7. Get enough calcium and vitamin D. This also helps with mood. Did you ever see the "Got Milk?" commercial portraying an army of earnest men diving for the supermarket's milk stores? It cited a study on calciums association with PMS relief:

See also Dodging weight gain with vitamin D, from Brigham and Women's Hospital and Add extra calcium to low-fat diet from WebMD.

8. Stay hydrated. The body often confuses thirst for hunger and dehydrated people often end up eating when they really need fluids. (Curing afternoon hunger cravings, from eHow.)

9. Fidget. Fidgeting burns calories. (Fidgety folks burn more calories, from ABCnews.com.)

10. Exercise. Ideally, incorporate 3 different kinds of exercise into your routine:

cardio (burns fat): you should be able to talk but not sing -- that's a good indicator of heart rate (how to tell if you're working hard enough). Start off doing as much as you can and work your way up. If one minute is all you can do, fine. Before you know it, you'll be up to 2 minutes, 3 minutes, and so on.

The biggest problem: How to stick to it? Make it fun. If that means kicking it to Beyonce, go! Or get a workout partner or join a gym. Some gyms offer nice perks like a ladies-only section or a cinema room. Working out in the dark while watching movies, totally NOT thinking about how much I hate the treadmill? Awesome.

Recently I was on a stairclimber when two girls poked their heads into the gym and peered, horrified, at all the moving people and hissed, "SEE! I TOLD you it was full!" before disappearing. There was plenty of room, they just wanted their privacy. I understood how awkward they felt because I was also shy when I first started visiting the gym. I thought everyone would notice the clumsy new person doing everything wrong. I wanted to tell those girls what I know now: no one is judging anyone else. They're all preoccupied with what they're doing, no one else is scrutinized with a microscope. It took me a while before I realized this but it was months before I felt comfortable. (Your experience might be totally different than mine though; I can be freakishly shy sometimes.)
strength training (makes muscle, which also raises your metabolism and prevents osteoporosis): I used to worry that lifting weights would make me bulky and mannish but you know what? Genetics dictates that, not exercise. A male fitness trainer once explained this to me, detailing his own exercise regime while flexing to prove that he himself was not a quarterback despite the effort. Plus, being in shape is sexy no matter how you wear it. And the more muscle mass you have, the more calories you burn when you're NOT working hard. Also, muscle is leaner than fat so your clothes will fit better even if you don't lose weight. It might even look like you've gained, as muscle weighs more than fat; use your clothes, not just the scale, as an indicator of progress.
stretching: I used to volunteer at a physical therapy clinic and learned there that the number one factor dictating how quickly someone would recover from an accident was their flexibility. During a car accident, muscles get stretched and torn. If they're limber, they'll be less likely to rip. My philosophy is, if you do NOTHING else, at least stretch. You'll likely end up motivated to do more. Getting started really IS half the battle -- ease yourself into a regimen for at least 28 days (how long it takes to establish a habit) and see how fluid a routine becomes.

Also? It's about attitude.

Have a setback? Don't be too harsh on yourself. It's not even physically possible to gain massive weight from one bad day or even one bad weekend. The key is to love yourself the way you are, not punish yourself for perceived failures. Your body has carried you a long way and deserves appreciation no matter its shape. Anytime you are working to improve your health you deserve kudos.

Cravings... how to cope. Some thoughts (and your suggestions?)

Every time you have an opportunity to put something in your mouth, think twice about it. Suppose it's candy... ask yourself why do you want this? Are you really hungry? Could your hunger really be thirst? Did you just hear someone else open a candy wrapper and now you want one too? Learn from it and next time you'll be better equipped to deal with this weakness. Expect it. Anticipate the afternoon snack binge and arm yourself accordingly.

I like to snack on chicken broth, artichokes (vinaigrette seems to dull the craving for sweets), tea, sugar free jello, popcorn, plain yogurt and hot chicken wings. (Trader Joe's sometimes carries Buffalo Chicken Wings -- it seems counterintuitive to microwave chicken and be pleased with the results but this brand seems to be an exception). I'm always looking for new ideas too.

So, what do you do to avoid temptation when the cravings hit?

.............................
Further reading (not sponsored articles, I handpicked these because I thought the information was sound -- they're not ads):

hhhhate foodshopping.

2010-08-24T23:59:00.002-04:00

I started composing this before I moved (during a particularly epic bout of Food Jenga).

I absolutely LOATHE foodshopping. The entire process of picking, choosing, planning, and securing a week's worth of food sends chills up my spine. I would rather write six TPS reports than figure out the ingredients needed for five days of home-cooked, free-range, pesticide-free, locally-grown, animal-cruelty-free meals whose cost rivals the gross domestic product of a small developing nation.

It starts when I try to delay the whole thing. I begin playing the game Let's Graze on Hate in an effort to redeem previous bad decisions and see how long I could last on lukewarm cans of white cannelini beans and stewed tomatoes.

I called a friend recently to whine about the horrors of modern hunting/gathering.

me: "I cannot STAND foodshopping."

friend: "yeah?"

me: "YES. The PLANNING. Like, remembering to get chicken stock, but then why buy something I can make, and then wanting to brown the meat but oops, I've run out of sherry, and forgot if I used pepper in the flour last time or not, and darnit, I only have peppercorns, not pepper and the peppercorn grinder is broken. And cutting all the fat out is so time-consuming."

friend: "huh."

me: "There's like, 2 hours of cooking for a meal that takes 15 minutes to engulf but an hour to clean up! And that doesn't even include the hours it takes to buy it all and put it away. Yuck."

friend: "Um, I don't really have those problems."

me: "Really? Huh. Well, so then I start to play this game of Ingredients Jenga. Like, what could I do with odd groceries lingering around. How could I piece things together to make a meal?"

friend: "That's kindof weird."

me: "But it helps me avoid foodshopping."

friend: " "

me: "Don't you do this? Doesn't EVERYONE?"

friend: "Um. No."

me, incredulous: "You don't try to see how long you could live off the food you already have? Like see if you could take that can of coconut milk and mix it with rice and spices and canned chestnuts?"

[crickets]

me: sigh

I have an entire cupboard of things I can't stand but somehow ended up in the house anyway: a five pound bag of (what looks like) poisonous mushrooms from China, 17 cans of sardines from my mom, 11 year-old bean thread noodles that I don't know how to cook and a galactic supply of 8-year-old raisins.

The raisins were a point of contention. After the third move (they took up one entire cupboard), I wanted to scrap them. "Do we really need this many raisins?" I asked."They can't possibly still be edible. I mean, don't they expire or something?" (Heh. Somehow I could see eating a 12 year old bar of chocolate but raisins, now, that's another story.)

I would say this story ends well, but really, it just ends. The raisins were finally tossed, but the sardines, well, I ate them.

Funny twitter updates, volume 3

2010-08-18T19:30:00.002-04:00

@ResideCharlotte: Instead of Zillow emailing me to say how much my home dropped in value, they mailed a book of matches and a oily rag.

TheBloggess: True story: I just got an email from Sandra Bullock. She's in Nigeria & needs me to launder 5.5 million dollars. Things are looking up.

@sohear: My new fridge/freezer keeps looking at me in silence. We need to break the ice.

@LookItsBRay: Her look is less "do me" & more "ouch, my neck hurts and these heels are killing me".

@USMC: To our USMC followers: We thank you for your good humor! Spelling mistakes happen sometimes...So no, there were no Marines in tights

@laughstooeasily: One if these days I'm going to remember not to stretch my arms up into the ceiling fan. Today is not that day.

@ChrisThilk: Every time someone shortens "Thanks" to "THX" George Lucas gets $.05.

@richramirez1: I don't think I've ever seen a cute girl get in or get out of a Pontiac Gran Prix.

@Carissajaded: Alright. Finished The Secret. Now universe please send me another inspirational book. Less BS though.

@ganson: When I fixed my bike last night, I said I would ride to work today come "hell or high water". No hell yet, but we do have high water!

@thordora: Why am I amused? RT @harringtonctv:Saint John Police attempting to negotiate with man who has strapped himself to an overpass in the city

@thordora: I'm not mean but...how do you strap yourself to an overpass?

Now, this was volume 3, view the
Funny twitter updates (ARCHIVE) -->

An (unsuccessful) conversation with my hair

2010-08-14T10:07:00.009-04:00

Me: good morning!

Hair: nnngghh.

Me: Rise and shine!

Hair: SHINE?? Did you say "shine"?? You did, didn't you. bwahahaha!!

Me: seriously. We need to get up.

Hair: you're kidding. Waking us up at 5 am to embark on a 4 hour drive? But we haven't had our beauty sleep!

Me: yeah, yeah. Suck it up. I don't have time to listen to you whine, we've got to go.

Hair: hmph. Good luck with that:

I think my perpetually frizzy locks must be karmic paybacks for unkindly sheering sheep or something in a past life.

I sometimes idly wonder what it would be like to have awesome hair the way someone might noncommittally ponder the lifestyle of a billionaire: not like it's ever going to happen to me so no use in entertaining any serious thought about the matter.

Most of the time, Hair and I do not speak; we go by the unspoken rule that *it* will resemble sickly medusa's snakes and *I* will benefit by feeling so hideous I won't ever pay much attention to outward appearance and thus concentrate only on inner growth. It's worked so far, but even this morning was a new low. The storm that knocked out power for two days effectively rendering electric styling apparati useless has made the strands grumpy and prone to rise in revolt.

Tune in next week to "as the strand frizzes!" to see the drama unfold, or tell me your best hair-care tip below. Maybe I can crowdsource some sense into these follicles.

(posted via phone)

...................
EPILOGUE:

So, I was on the way to a baby shower, about to see folks I hadn't laid eyes on in some time and I desperately wanted to look at least a LITTLE presentable. Was grappling with how, when I suddenly realized... I was in *NJ*. Of COURSE I could pretend my overnight bag was a purse and slip into some public restroom with a set of curlers to iron out the frizzies:
Tweet stream from the restroom:

Well, I just blogged about my hair, of all things. It's that awful today. Except I can't get the img to upload. Help me trblshoot?

Dudes. I just realized I'm in *NJ*. of *course* I could pretend overnight bag is a purse & lug curlers into bathrm.

Right now, someone in a Toms River Walgreens is tweeting about the weirdo curling her hair in the public restroom.

You know how in Doom/Quake you can roll over a first aid kit and get like 10% health? I just got 10% less hideous. Ready for baby shower.

How I envy women with hair that doesn't hate them....

Kaddish for an ending

2010-08-09T22:49:00.001-04:00

I'm moving tomorrow. As a tribute to my last evening here in the home I've lived for the past 9 years, I'd like to say Kaddish.

What is Kaddish? According to the Wikipedia, Kaddish is a Jewish prayer usually referred to in mourning though it technically speaks of the reverence for God:

The central theme of the Kaddish is the magnification and sanctification of God's name. In the liturgy different versions of the Kaddish are used functionally as separators between sections of the service. The term "Kaddish" is often used to refer specifically to "The Mourners' Kaddish", said as part of the mourning rituals in Judaism in all prayer services as well as at funerals and memorials. When mention is made of "saying Kaddish", this unambiguously denotes the rituals of mourning.

I do not practice religion, though I deeply respect those who do (and that means all religions), but my background is Jewish and so I'd like to grieve this experience in a way that feels natural as a meager attempt at some small semblance of closure. I'm going to make up my own ceremonial piece inspired from several verses, changing the words of traditional graveside prayers to suit the death of a part of my life.

Dead tree, Grand Canyon (South Rim) at sunset. I took this last year.

Peace be to thy spirit dear one. I hope that thou dwellest safely under the stars. And yet, to think that thou no more art with me, grieves the heart and saddens the thought. I have come to the place where the past has come to rest and I pray for the strength and the will to become a better person, that I may practice the grace, kindness and poise of those who are better examples than I, and to strive to be the kind of person worthy of the gift of life. The past experiences will be forever written upon my heart and set up as a memorial before my eyes. I wish for the strength to carry forward and hope that one day there may be a sense of peace around what is now a very painful time.

I place trust in those who are a source of gratitude and strength in this time of sorrow. Though a link has been severed from the chain of my past, I hope to honor it with serious contemplation and further thought as time brings forth new lessons and a greater sense of understanding.

Thank you for visiting my blog, for thinking of me, for your kind words and letters, for your understanding glances as you pass me in the hall, for... just being you. For opening up your hearts to understand what cannot be explained and for generally lifting me from fires and ruin. If what matters in life is kindness, you have already done this many times over for me. Thank you.

No comments necessary, you've already done that. This post was more about giving myself a sense of closure and one last thank you for being there.

Funny Twitter updates, volume 2

2010-07-26T21:24:00.016-04:00

My favorite recent funny twitter updates (volume 2 of funny twitter updates! Link to volume 1 below):

@h1661n5: "Show me on the doll where Fort Meade touched you."

@adamcarolla: Watching my daughter playing with her ipad. I had an ipad when I was her age, it was called an etch-a-sketch. #freakout

@jeremyscahill: They said people traveling WITH small children may board, not people who travel LIKE small children.

@darthvader: Tell me why you should be the 6000th person I follow and make it good or the Earth gets it.

@TeleEroticist: CBT Line. It doesn't stand for cognitive behavioral therapy.

@landismom: Potato: "Why do they call it a field trip? You don't go to a field, and you don't trip."

@Pollypoptart: Colleague to me: "the only person I know with more sordid stories than you is my mate Fraser." Me: "is he hot?" #priorities

@LivitLuvit: I've realized I specify who people are by using their Twitter handles as their last name. Ex: "You know... Maxie @ihatesomuch."

@ClevelandPoet: and just like that the momentum I thought I felt crumbles and falls away.

@frijolit a: Its an escalator, touristas. Not a cyborg. No need to approach it w extra caution.

@JimGaffigan: My neighbor just committed suicide. So weird. I was just talking to him yesterday. I told him no one loved him.

@capitalweather: Wednesday's Digit: 3/10 - Broken-record heat, humidity & storm chance is not only uncomfortable, but also kind of boring at this point.

@TFLN (662): I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.

@floogee: Red line slow today due to an earlier incident. I define that incident as the moment #wmata went into business.

@darthvader: I enjoy the Force like my toast - a little on the Dark Side.

@OneFineJay: Late good morning y'all! It's Monday. I usually have a hate-hate relationship with Monday, but today I feel non-commital.

@quinncy: Dear Hell, you now hold less fear for me. Signed, person currently enjoying Los Angeles weather.

@micahpearson: Express is about to do their "Best of" issue. I want to do the "Best 5 places in DC I got food poisoning"

@Ind1fference: at Cracker Barrel ordering everything on the menu twice

@ihatesomuch: Regret and shame, its what's for breakfast.

@ClevelandPoet: I'm trying to make this day not have a fail but damn is it kicking and screaming the whole time.

@axidentalredhed: "I saw this sign the other day that said, 'this door must remain closed at all times.' And I was like, 'dude, you're thinking of a wall.'"

@Pollypoptart: Have now entered the insane stage of sleep deprivation. Hallucination. Just thought I saw a bra on my desk... there wasn't.

@noblelawyer: "I've replaced sex with food so now I can't even get in my own pants." (Saw on a friend's key chain last night.)

@joeldavidmoore: This just in: Jail has been sentenced to 90 days of Lindsay Lohan.

@JimGaffigan: I've had bratwurst for 4 days straight. I think that means I have to pay taxes in Wisconsin now.

@h1661n5: Just saw a wireless network named "dungeon" and another named "kitchen" and wondered if they were in the same house and, well, whoa.

@flipflopsinrain: Most awkward auto correct ever: when 'well, fuck' becomes 'we'll fuck'. Sent by your brother.

@jadabradley: Your call will be ignored in the order in which it was received.

@danecook: I'm so glad I'm not married to my work because I'd definitely bang other jobs behind it's back.

@h1661n5: "Holy shit dude, running security at Pride sucked. Was like being a kindergarten teacher. 'Don't drink all that! Put your pants back on!'"

@ihatesomuch: the amount of cleaning i did today makes me want to marry myself.

@LivitLuvit: I just caught myself thinking: "I should wash a load of linens on Saturday"... and then a piece of my soul died.

@matthewbaldwin: I rarely have the satisfaction of a job well done, so I've grown content with the satisfaction of a job ... well, "done".

@ihatesomuch: Just threw away some of my dishes instead of washing them. Its that kind of day.

@matthewbaldwin: I believe the children are our future. That's why my experimental time machine uses their blood as fuel.

@jadabradley: I decided to give myself the treat of sleeping in. The neighbors decided to have a shouting match. Clearly we are not on the same page.

@sween: Me: "Wanna snuggle?" Wife: "Ugh. Fine." [Snuggles up.] Me: "This is my favorite part of the day." Wife: "I have vomit in my mouth."

@ganson: Watching my coworkers using computers is like watching a caveman who just discovered fire. Lots of grunting and someone is getting burned.

Now, this was volume 2, view the
Funny twitter update (ARCHIVE) -->

Any funny tweets to suggest? Either put in comments or email me (spleeness@yahoo.com) and I'll include in my next volume. Thx!

The (adorable) pest in the house

2010-07-23T00:45:00.001-04:00

My dog is a complete ingrate. He makes me feel like I'm living with a homeless person. Or at the very least, a rude and pesky roommate who sees me only as a giant bag of gold, the mere sight of my person only serving as a reminder of money. "Oh hey, it's you. Can I borrow a twenty?"

Except instead of money, the dog wants something infinitely more valuable to him: freedom.

He wants only to go outside.

This is ALL he wants, ever.

Gazing longingly at the seemingly unreachable outside.

"Oh, hey, it's you. Can you let me out?" (<-- if this dog could speak, this is all he would say.) I just took him for a one-mile run. The minute I got home, turned the key and cracked open the front door, he bolted through my legs to the back, sending me spinning. He stood there panting and pleading at the back (as if he had NOT just sniffed the urine of 278 trees, shrubs, and bushes mere moments earlier) and threw himself against the glass, screaming for freedom as if he'd been locked in a tiny crate for 19 hours and OHMYGOD, bladder life is 19 hours and 1 second and if I wait ONE SECOND LONGER he will explode all over the tile floor. And boy will I be sorry.

He shrieks all this at me, warning me there will be trouble. Except he's still panting from the run. He doesn't NEED to go out. There cannot possibly be even an eighth of an ounce left in him. I have no idea why he acts like this.

Some background: this dog has THE. LIFE. He is exercised multiple times a day, fed wild Alaskan salmon, showered with toys, cuddled (but only during thunderstorms, otherwise he does not like to be touched), anti-mosquitoed/ticked/bugged, his cushions fluffed before bed, and he's scratched and scritched in the acceptable places (like, his ass). This is a good life for a creature. Heck, I'd apply but the household is not accepting any new applicants for spoiled beast.

A typical scene: my left foot hovers over the top step as I begin to descend from upstairs. The dog spies this and springs to life from living room.

"Oh hey!! Hey! As long as you're coming down this way, could you maybe open the door? Please?"

But I just let him in 10 minutes ago. I am now on a mission for water, for myself; since no one will feed/water me, I have to do it myself. I check his bowl just to make sure he's not thirsty, and get a glass for me.

He crowds my legs as I'm drinking. Nudge nudge.

"Excuse me. Um, that door over there? Could you maybe just craaack it open? Just a bit? Just a little bit. Please?"

I ignore him and down the glass.

"The DOOR." nudge nudge.

I am unmoved. I start downing more fluid.

"Hm. Maybe you didn't hear me? I just need out. Over there? Let me show you." (Runs to back door, then back to me again.)

"See? Just right there."

I set down the glass again and ignore his request, thinking good, I am using my ape brain to not be manipulated by a canine.

"LOOK," he wags desperately, "there's like RABBITS and stuff back there. You just don't understand. I. NEED. to. GO. OUT."

(a pic in which he finally gets his wish...
Still leaping and screaming and excited....)

His message gets more insistent. Maybe it ends with a good body slam (rattling both the sliding door AND my nerves) or maybe just a twisting leap in the air accompanied by what I call his "nervous yap" -- the noise he emits during a small mammal sighting. It doesn't quite resemble a bark, more like a cross between a freshly disemboweled but living hyena and a barn owl. Whatever it is, I can unequivocally state that it is a most decidedly unrelaxing noise.

And that is how I end my night. Any wonder why it takes me so long to unwind??

Digging, anyone? Bueller?

The dog, blindsided by a cannonball while I watch...

Leaps and bounds happen both IN the house and out.
These are Dan's photos, more pictures of the dog are on his blog.

"I did three things yesterday! Now I'm supposed to keep doing things? It's like the things never end!"

2010-07-12T22:20:00.002-04:00

I'm borrowing this image from Deva, who's post on being overloaded made me laugh, though I was too overwhelmed myself to actually comment on it.

Po Bronson wrote, in an introduction to his book on relationships, "Why Do I Love These People" about his own divorce. This didn't make it into the online clip I just linked to, but he talked about what life was like right after he separated. He said he went to a rooming house and fell off the edge of the earth. For months. He holed up there, retracting from the world into a tight, unpenetrable ball, not communicating or responding to anyone.

I feel like this lately.

Looking for a new place and just... I dunno... dealing with the logistics of this huge change has been incredibly draining. That's not even including the taxing whirlwind of thoughts like: "omg, people we were mutually friends with are still being nice to me?" and "I work with the nicest, kindest people in the world who are so sweet and not judging me at all;" and "my friends, incredible friends who walk on water for me ALL the time, thy awesomeness amazeth me;" and "wow, even the lawyer with the awesome marriage didn't judge me for my failure;" and "my new landlord seemed to understand my spleen and didn't mind renting to it anyway."

Every day I feel a sense of gratitude and I think there are important lessons here, this won't be the first time in your life that you'll have to reinvent your definition of yourself; that will happen with every loss.

Or change.

Maybe the only constant in life is change.

I think these things and I breathe and I make it through another day.

I see my inbox piling up with messages from friends who check in to see how I'm doing. I read their emails and smile, sometimes misty-eyed, grateful to know so many wonderful people. I've developed the terrible habit of replying in my head, thinking that sweet message deserves so much more than what I have time for now; I'll write back later.

And then later doesn't come. I sink into bed at night, exhausted, welcoming the oblivion that sleep brings.

I stole a recent Facebook status from Hyperbole and a Half:

"I'm doing pretty well! I can breathe and beat my heart like a $#*@(& champion!"

"I did three things yesterday! Now I'm supposed to keep doing things? It's like the things never end!"

This entire next month, the act of packing, moving and travel threatens consume what little energy I have but I'm hoping to devote at least some weekend time to blogging and catching up on emails. (I've given up on this as a weekday activity, but Saturdays bring hope... IF I'm not on the road.)

So lately, this has been me. From Quinn Cummings' blog:

I have developed a wonderful new personality trait: if I think about doing something long enough, I start to think I actually did it . For example, I might need to return the call of someone who has very kindly checked in to see if I’m dead.

[I don’t like talking on the phone so I encourage people to email me, which I then don’t answer. People frequently think I’m dead and not just when I choose to wear lemon yellow.]

So in my mind, I think: "call Betsy-not-her-real-name and get caught up". Only, getting caught up takes a while and I usually only think of calling people when I have just dropped Daughter off at a class and I want company for the three trips around the block it will take to find a parking space. That’s not enough time to get caught up. In my mind, getting caught-up takes at least forty-five minutes and with each week that passes I have to add another extra five minutes to atone for being the kind of person who drops off the face of the earth. Each time I think of Betsy-not-her-real-name, I flinch for a second and then I say sternly to myself “YOU HAVE TO CALL HER.”

Weeks would pass like this. Until recently, my only hope was that we would run into one another in a public space where I could blubber my apologies for being an indifferent communicator and she could determine I was alive but rude. [CONTINUE]

I have tossed my only lemon-yellow shirt into the donation pile; next to tackle are the messages and phone calls. I'll get there eventually...

What do you do to recharge when you're depleted? Maybe I just need to allow myself to wallow in huge amounts of space until I'm ready to resurface. That happens in increments, it seems.

the perfect target: a "No Target Shooting" sign...

2010-07-12T00:16:00.002-04:00

My dad took this photo in Alaska. The "No Target Shooting" sign seems to make a perfect target...

To discuss 15 recent things (including such topics as anal glands & food poisoning, because I love you)

2010-07-02T13:40:00.002-04:00

So, Andy "Andrew" Awesome at Wild Ars Chase just made a list of 50 things about himself. I started laughing long before I saw #44; I knew I had to write a list too.

His list:

44. At no point during the pet adoption process do they tell you that you will become intimately involved with the mannerisms of your dog's sphincter as a method of forecasting bowel movements. But it's true.

45. Oops, did I kill the mood?

ha! Ok, my list, but I'm only doing 15:

1. I almost never talk about my dog in person without mentioning some observed weird canine behavior because I'm awkward like that and this, to me, is "small talk." Don't get caught alone with me in an elevator.

2. Oops, did I kill the mood?

3. No? Ok. Well, I almost choked on an antibiotic pill the size and shape of a lego this morning. That's hot, right?

4. Yesterday I collected 2 large heavy boxes of books and lugged them 45 minutes away to a specialized used bookstore dreaming of all the cash I'd collect. I hauled them up many stairs, motivated only by the generous bounty surely awaiting. They gave me FOUR. DOLLARS. Don't remind me how much a gallon of gas costs these days.

5. I also got the world's most boring fortune cookie: "It is a nice day." I guess this is the best the universe could do with my current state of ruin.
6. Recently, I did an annual scleroderma walk with family in memory of my dad's mom. A complete stranger approached us halfway through said, "here, I'd like to make a donation," handing over a $20 bill. We were so touched. He must have a story. I felt like we were walking for all who have stories of loss. Dad & I: 7. The cat is still shredding all my toilet paper. (<-- thanks, feline. This is awesome to come home to.)
8. I spent last weekend admiring the community art projects of Penn Station, NY, in-between bouts of food poisoning:
When not hunched over clutching my abdomen though, I enjoyed walking around Times Square:

Times Square, NYC

Saw the King Tut exhibit at the Discovery exhibit center:

Discovery Time Square King Tut exhibit

9. Also, friends have been helping me through tough times:

No, a waiter is not peeing -- he's pouring olive oil
from a great height while friends look on and laugh.

Live entertainment by rock stars

Met up with bloggy/Twitter friends
(yes, we all met online!)

Spending lotsa time with mom

10. My car recently hit 100K miles:
11. And I made the intriguing discovery that people who wear toed socks are very comfortable:
12. And that someone, somewhere, WILL spend $80,000 on a necklace:
13. I cried at Toy Story 3.

14. My sis just graduated nursing school!

sis, graduation day

And I'm borrowing my last one from Andy:

15. Even when I don't get to post all the time, I still love that you guys keep coming back. Have a great 4th!

To the pinch-faced JHU alumnus....

2010-06-29T20:34:00.001-04:00

To the pinched-faced JHU alumnus with the overflowing backseat of stuffed animals: judging from the way you hitched yourself to my bumper on this morning's commute, you were not a physics major.

No love,
me

A landlord named "Lettuce"?

2010-06-24T21:41:00.008-04:00

Among the questions I have to ask myself lately, I did not expect to wonder: "Do I want to rent a room from someone named 'Lettuce'?"
(Click to enlarge. Anyone know how to force blogger to display the full image size without it getting all blurry??)

short reflections... and... thank you.

2010-06-17T22:45:00.007-04:00

I'm eking through the days.

I found a place to live and am now working out details on a moving date (July), getting rid of books and clothes and mapping out the next steps.

It's a lot. I am overwhelmed.

But despite the darkness, I am constantly humbled by kindness. Friends, coworkers, blog buddies, family, neighbors... sweetly offering support, understanding, empathy, an ear, a shoulder, friendship, camraderie, silence... whatever.

No one has judged.

I feel utterly floored. I don't know how to thank you all. Your stories and comments and emails and thoughts and even the kind looks in your eyes, I am tearing up just thinking of it. You don't even know it but you are saving me now, lifting me from fires and darkness and self-criticism and shame. How do I possibly express how much it means? I just don't have the words.

Thank you.

PS. You don't have to comment again (doing so in Google Reader is a pain anyway). I can tell that you're stopping by and I just wanted to tell you how much your thoughtful gestures have meant since I didn't get a chance to respond individually.

What jobs did you hate?

2010-06-14T22:29:00.006-04:00

I was driving to an appointment recently when I heard severe thunderstorms were on the way. I glanced up at the sky to see the clouds roiling and snapped both these pix (taken within seconds of eachother -- see how different the clouds look?).

When the sky darkens, my spleen wants nothing more then to curl up with a good book and a cuppa tea and revel in nature's symphony.

However, shortly after the tornado watch was announced, I raced home wondering what was I supposed to do if I encountered an actual twister while driving: leave the car and dive into a ditch, or stay in the car? Which is it? (I'm pretty sure the standing advice is, you're screwed, with a hearty BWAHAHAHA from the universe.)
Anyone *like* the idea of being a storm chaser? (I mean, the idea is fascinating but how do you tamp down that survival lobe, the most significant part of the brain that's been tweaked and honed since the dawn of man? The one that says "HOLY &*%$#, that is a swirling tower of death and dismembered kittens and OHGHD it's heading THIS. WAY." Because I'm pretty sure I'd want out of the job at that point.)

Still, storm chaser sounds exotic enough. But what would be your most dreaded job? What task would you avoid no matter HOW much money? Or, what would be so boring that you'd rather be unemployed?

Something I haven't wanted to discuss

2010-06-08T21:09:00.001-04:00

If you're in a relationship, sometimes you probably feel like you're fighting a caged death-match with an invisible spider monkey. And the monkey is rabid. And you don't have any legs. And then a buffalo jumps in there and starts head-butting everything and your face catches on fire and there is a general atmosphere of chaos. -Hyperbole and a Half's relationship advice

This isn't something I know how to talk about. Indeed, I hesitated posting this because it's so highly personal, and while I like to dredge up embarrassingly funny TMI stories, I still play by unspoken rules: DNDO. Do Not Discuss Others. (Well, unless they're a proselytizing stranger.)

I try to honor the privacy of my friends and family. This is *my* online journal and thus topics are limited to *my* neuroses.

And so I am woefully unprepared for how to talk about this.

My husband and I separated recently.

You don't spend 17 years with someone and then walk away from eachother easily. It is agonizing. Wrenching. Extremely painful. I drive home from work having imaginary conversations -- with my boss, his family, my niece and nephews. Everyone wondering what happened? Even in these imaginary conversations, I cry. And I cannot explain it. Sometimes death seems like an easier loss to discuss. But the death of a marriage? The death of dreams and ideals? How do you talk about those?

I spent some time thinking about the stigma of divorce. How I will have this label, be judged. Then I thought well, there probably isn't a person on this planet who has not felt the pain of an ended relationship. Most people have even experienced both sides: being the one left, and leaving. It's absolutely and utterly wretched either way.

It once took me 4 years to get over an old beau (before husband). The stages of healing happened almost imperceptibly. I drove a lot then, just to have a private place to sing aching songs of loss. One day I noticed 5 minutes had gone by where I didn't think of him. Then 10 minutes. Then 20. It was a very slow process. I learned the hard way then that it cannot be rushed. It's like a physical wound -- if someone stabbed you in the heart, however long it would take to mend is what it takes. You just cannot speed up the process no matter how hard you try.

But oh my god, living in that in-between stage is awful.

Relationships are complicated. Anyone in one knows it constantly takes huge leaps to bend and shape two lives together.

To love is exhilarating. To lose that love one of the most painful experiences one can endure. While suffering, it's hard to imagine anything could be worth that much pain.

And yet... I still believe in that old cliche: it's better to have loved and lost then never to have loved at all.

If you see me in the hall, the supermarket, a BBQ, I will not know how to talk about it.

I probably will steer the conversation away as I won't want to cry in front of you.

I won't know how to tell you what went wrong even if I think I understand in my heart. And even then, I will doubt myself as I rewrite the story of a relationship gone south, constantly shifting the "why" in an earnest attempt to understand.

I asked someone dear to me recently, eyes welling up with tears, "What do I say?" She looked at me kindly and, with a hug, said, "Those who love you won't ask why."

She didn't ask why.

Despite the pain, I'm trying to look at our relationship with a sense of gratitude. But how do you thank someone for loving you?

A grateful murmur of thanks to those who understand that "why" doesn't come in neat 140-character tweets, or even lengthy blog posts. I am too choked up to write much more.

"There were some things I wanted to tell him. But I knew they would hurt him. So I buried them and let them hurt me." ~Jonathan Safran Foer

"Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's better to leave them broken than try to hurt yourself putting it back together." ~Author Unknown

wordless Wednesday: what REALLY goes on at night.

2010-06-02T23:33:00.003-04:00

This week's letters in my head

2010-05-31T23:59:00.001-04:00

One of my all-time favorite road-rage photos:
Now really... who "won" here??

To the guy invisibly hitched to my rear bumper:
This will not increase the traffic speed of the long line of slow cars in front of me. Just sayin'.

To the man wearing a tricolored umbrella skullcap: I love you for making the seedy parts of Good Luck Road a fun place for a moment.

Dear cat: there is no more food! Stop trying to kill me with your purring and leg-rubbing.

Dear spider: don't even THINK about coming in.

Dear readers: I love each and every one of you, thank you for stopping by. Your comments mean the world to me. I appreciate your funny quips and remarks of solidarity even more than you could ever know and that you still pop in despite my sparse posting nature the past few weeks while I'm dealing with a lot. Is there a word for this kind of love? (Maybe in an Air Supply song?) Well anyway... thank you. I read your blogs and love following your lives; love the sense of community we share. Rock on, yo. :)

Did I just end my post with an emoticon? GAWD. Corny!

Why spleen, where has your spleen been, and is your spleen reproducing? Your questions answered.

2010-05-25T21:56:00.000-04:00

Reposted from Formspring (anonymous question site):

Where all has your spleen been?

Farthest-reaching places: London, Japan (Tokyo, Hiroshima, Kyoto, Osaka, Nikko), Ecuador (landed in Guayaquil and immediately took midnight bus for 8 hour ride up Andes mountains to capital city Quito), Hawaii (The Big Island, Oahu, Kauai) and Mexico (Baja California).

Also a bunch of states: East coast from Florida to Maine. Drove from Maryland to Arizona on central US route. Lived in Flagstaff, AZ for a summer. And visited California and Washington State (Puget Sound area, Whidbey Island) multiple times.

I love traveling! I definitely have wanderlust.

What is the best photo you've taken? Also, what is your favorite photo you've taken, if they are not the same?

My 3 favorite photos (sorry, I couldn't narrow it down to just one!):

1. Black & white composition, taken a few weeks ago from the bushes outside my house:

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/_-bYaXed-rQU/S85tEjK7Z5I/AAAAAAAAEwI/RyZEW4MOmYs/s1600/whiteflowers-blackwhite.jpg

2. Dreamy African violets, taken from flowers my mom gave me:

http://wavianarts.blogspot.com/2009/11/dreamy-african-violets.html

3. And lastly, this yellow flower gleaming in Arizona sun:

http://wavianarts.blogspot.com/2009/11/life-is-about-creating-yourself.html

How do did you get to be so charming and adorable? :) Okay, no, seriously, that's a mom question if ever there was one. Not that I'm your mom. ANYWAY, what was the last movie you saw that you loved?

Awww, love you too mom! hehe

Last movie I saw & loved? Persepolis. Cried while simultaneously enchanted by the people and art of the storyline presentation.

Have you ever peed or pooped your pants in public?

In kindergarten, I think. Unless this is a dream and not actually a fuzzy memory.

I desperately had to use the bathroom and asked to be excused but the witchy teacher declined.

Truly out of some kind of compromised wee human survival mode, I had the bright idea that well, the reason it *hurt* so bad that I had to go is because well, the "bag" was full. If I could just let a little go, then maybe the ensuing extra space would mean relief.

But try stopping peeing when you start, when you're 4. (Yeah, I got in school early, I've traditionally been about a year younger than my peers.)

Now, when I think about it, it's terribly embarrassing. But the teacher TOTALLY deserved it. When a kid has to go, they have to go!

If you could date superman/spiderman/batman, who would you choose and why?

Superman! I loved him when I was a kid. I loved his sensitive inner nerd and do-good desires. The giant "S" on his chest was just icing.

What are your theories on what the hell is going on in Lost? What is the smoke monster?

Gawd, so this is probably disappointing, but I have never seen Lost.

favorite tv show? favorite reality tv show?

I don't watch TV. I wish I did sometimes so I would understand what the heck the rest of the world is talking about sometimes.

When I do indulge, very rarely (like once every couple of months), I like House, Dirty Jobs, Family Guy, Simpsons, Monk.

What reality shows are out there? I don't think I've ever seen more than a few minutes of one before getting annoyed and moving on.

Why Spleen? where did you get the idea from?

I studied premed as an undergrad and just fell in love with the word "spleen."

I am enamored with medical terminology. I read medical texts for fun. Like, I love "uvulopalatopharyngoplasty" -- the name of the operation to remove the little hangy thing in the back of the throat -- but that makes a bad aliases. No one could spell it.

Spleens are popular. There's a whole underground fan base of spleens, identified by the early alt.spleen.faq usenet newsgroup (now Google Groups):

http://anon.razorwire.com/alt.spleen.FAQ/

With questions like:

- How do I care for my spleen?
- Are the rumors of spleen violence true?
- How can I keep my spleen clean?
- Can I splendify my spleen by adding aluminum siding?
- When I die, should I convert my spleen to binary and post it to alt.spleen?
- Does trephination hurt your spleen?
- Did Andy Warhol really lose his spleen?
- What did Ricky say when Lucy came home with an extra spleen?
-Lately my spleen has been ordering pizzas and expects me to pay. Surely this is unfair as I have been a good host. Furthermore, how could my spleen be using the phone?

Did you know some people can have more than one spleen? And it's also possible to NOT have a spleen?

Do you wonder what the spleen does? It filters blood. It also plays some role in your immunity.

So I made up the word "Spleeness" -- it's my way of being rich with all things spleen. But one of the first woodburning cuts I ever made said, simply: "Spleen Me" (my polite version of F me or FML (see http://www.fmylife.com). It just sounded right. I don't know how else to describe it. Spleen lovers, unite!

What are the pros and cons of being a cougar and/or MILF?

haha, this made me laugh. Cons: I don't feel like a cougar because I just feel young, mentally & physically.

I did one of those "how old are you REALLY" online games that asks about smoking, drinking, eating flesh & driving without seatbelts. According to some 12-yr-old programmer's view of "old" I am still in my 20s.

Pros? Maybe I can be graceful about aging since I'm not terribly concerned about it as long as I feel good. We all need good role models for women who are getting older and maybe I can be that for someone.

I wrote a whole blog post about this: http://spleeness.blogspot.com/2009/09/tmi-thursday-wrestling-aging-beast.html

MILF? Don't I need kids for that?

Where would you want to live if you could live anywhere!?

I need to be near the ocean.

I grew up on the Jersey shore and spent all my time at the beach racing my bike down the boardwalk and finding comfort and solace in the sand and waves.

The NJ coast isn't as beautiful as the shores of the Pacific so I'd pick California as an ideal place but my desire to be near family mucks this up. California, though my heart sings when I visit it, is too far to live.

I also love cities; the nightlife, people, culture, museums, events.

Where I live now (near DC) is pretty cool. I just miss the beach.

What was the best meal you've ever eaten?

OMFG. The first time I tasted bruschetta a few months ago. YES, that the first time.

(I ate it with a spoon, I'm not into bread.) I was bowled over by the magnificence of properly vinegared tomatoes, basil & garlic. It was so good that I stopped at the supermarket on the way home from the restaurant, bought 10 tomatoes and made AND ATE a batch immediately upon walking in the door.

My homemade bruschetta needs work. But man, it was good!

There's also this one Chinese restaurant in Flagstaff, AZ (east side, near the mall) that makes the BEST. FREAKING. hot & sour soup I have EVER. EATEN. IN. MY. LIFE. I regularly drove 10 miles out of my way just to get this stuff.

Writing about it hurts since it's so far away and I can't have it. I might literally be able to eat nothing but else on a desert island for a month.

Are they real?

bwahahahahahahahahahHaahahhHAHAHAHA!!

You're kidding, right?

So... how big is it?

Is what? My hair? Not very big. My genitals? Not very big. My ass? Pretty big. My fear of spiders? Enormous. Help me narrow this down a bit....

are you planning to have little spleenesses at some point?

A few questions came in asking if my spleen would reproduce so I'll just address them all here.

I always imagined I'd have kids someday. But I don't have them yet and don't feel ready right this minute, so it's very possible that I may never have them.

I went through this phase where I agonized over not being "ready." I actually went out and bought the book, "Maybe Baby" because that's what I do when I'm ambivalent. I research.

It was a fantastic read: individual stories of the journey into parentdom or childlessness.

What lesson did I learn?

That people are happy *as long as* they have what they want.

This makes sense. It applies to everything in life, really -- a job, love, food, housing, toys, time... not just parenting.

If I *did* have kids, I'm sure it would be a love I'd never known before. I get that. I'm a pretty affectionate & nurturing person and could imagine being a parent. I have such respect for the love & dedication parents give. (Although the exhaustion and resources required terrifies me, which is part of my ambivalence.)

The other part is that I feel, mentally, like I'm 22.

If the urge strikes, then I'll consider it. If not, I'm at peace with that. I wasn't expecting my kids to wipe my ass in the nursing home anyway so plan B still applies.

I like kids though, most of the time.

Unless I am in Walmart.

why do you take so long to answer questions?

It takes time, baby! I gotta mull them over while cracking open and sucking the juices out of giant spider legs. Which I only do at night, after work. Nothing gets the muse going like spider meat.

Do these pants make me look fat?

No, but I bet they make ME look fat.

What do you do to shake the blues?

I channel my inner 12 year old, meaning I bust out some Justin Timberlake and dance & sing. (Singing is out if there is another human being within a 47 foot radius as I suck! But the car, alone? YES.)

I also read and write. Writing is the number one way I deal with almost anything.

How would you describe your personality?

Goodnatured, happy, intense. I genuinely care about people and enjoy going out of my way to help.

Have a question for me?

I wanna text you up! (tell me you do not see this EVERY DAY.)

2010-05-24T21:31:00.004-04:00

"I'm speeding down the freeway and I keep seeing this..."
-Josh Cooley (cartoon his own)

The guy who drew this series of cartoons of what goes down on the highway is BRILLIANT. See his full post, but I'm warning you, put down that glass of water now before you ruin your screen. --> onward!

The handsome young man at the post office

2010-05-23T23:24:00.000-04:00

So I went the post office around 11pm to use the automated shipping machine. NO ONE was around, the place was absolutely desolate. I was quietly weighing items when I got the eerie feeling that someone was looking at me. Wait, not just looking. STARING. But the door hadn't opened since I entered; was someone already here and I just hadn't noticed?

I turned ever so slowly... and SHRIEKED, flinging mail like the mace I wished I had. Facing me was an eerily-grinning young man, violating the social rules that dictate please do not stare creepily at females in abandoned buildings close to the midnight hour. Every hair on the back of my neck stood straight up.

And then I realize:

He's CARDBOARD.

Go me. Post office: 1, amygdala: 0

maybe we all just had the worst day

2010-05-14T09:30:00.009-04:00

This morning I was standing in line to buy coffee, which I hate but I needed something bitter and caffeinated to pour bitterly into my bitter and exhausted self, wearing what I think is my "don't talk to me or I will CUT you" face, but is in actuality a "holy COW she has bags" face, when I overheard the cashier saying she didn't feel good.

But there she is, every morning, smiling at everyone, her greeting filled with warmth, asking genuinely how each of us is doing.

And I thought of lyrics in the Ani DiFranco song Be Nice:

maybe you don't like your job
maybe you didn't get enough sleep
well, nobody likes their job
nobody got enough sleep
maybe you just had
the worst day of your life
but, you know, there's no escape
and there's no excuse
so just suck up and be nice

And I thought, if she can smile, so can I.

Longest, most-irritating link

2010-04-29T11:38:00.007-04:00

I cannot believe someone actually thought it was ok to send this as a link (real URL taken out for privacy):

http://www.webpage.org/folder/action/ShowDODescriptions?sort=DATE_ASC&%24searchId=
1&%24showFullDescriptionTabs.selectedPaneId=&%
24digiDetailPageModel.currentPage=0&%
24resultsPartitionPageModel.targetModel=true&%
24resultsSummaryPageModel.pageSize=
10&%24partitionIndex=0&%24digiSummaryPageModel.
targetModel=true&%24submitId=
1&%24resultsDetailPageModel.search=true&%24digi
DetailPageModel.resultPageModel=
true&%24resultsDetailPageModel.currentPage=0&%24
showArchivalDescriptionsTabs.selected
PaneId=digital&%24resultsDetailPageModel.pageSize=
1&%24resultsSummaryPageModel.target
Model=true&%24sort=RELEVANCE_ASC&%24resultsPart
itionPageModel.search=true&%24highlight=false

Most email programs truncate long links. Who would spend 5 minutes cutting & pasting this into a browser??

frenzy of stress (cartoons) (but they're old) (not indicative of current stress frenzy)

2010-04-25T21:59:00.004-04:00

Um, yeah. I just found these old cartoons, sketched out in a frenzy of stress when I was recounting my life's failures. People say the student years are the best but I don't know...

Good times, man. I still can't cook a decent muffin.

fell (partly) down the steps, ouch!

2010-04-22T23:18:00.008-04:00

Oof! I just fell halfway down the steps. Mid-fall, I started giggling at my ridiculous flailing, recalling a favorite Eddie Murphy skit:

"Ever have a heavy-set aunt fall down the steps? Make a WHOLE lot of effing noise. It's scary too because they be calling Jesus on the way down. And aunts don't like to fall straight down the steps like a kid. They be tryin' to break the fall and hold it and stop the shit? And that just make the fall take a half hour then!"

Nursing my shoulder & some rugburn but I'll be ok. At least I fell backwards and not headfirst!

"are my abs ripped enough??"

2010-04-19T17:53:00.004-04:00

I cut this little snippet out of an email I just got from a mother of teenage boys. My inner angsty 16-year old has finally been put to rest. THAT'S what boys are thinking about? Their abs?? sigh. Maybe being male is easier, at least in the romance department

One night, my son was sitting at the table with about 9 other friends, (I was making peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) and he said, "I hate when I keep having the Superman dream and I am stabbed, or something ."

Suddenly all the other guys were like, "Yeah, I hate that dream!"

So I said, "Guys actually dream that they are Superman?"

They said "TOTALLY"

Then they were saying that girls are so weird. When you're on the phone with them, if there is a second of silence, the girl thinks something is wrong.

So I said, "Well, why does it become silent?"

The guys said, "We just like hearing their voices, so it doesn't matter what they talk about. We just let them ramble about nonsense. When they stop its our cue to continue talking. It does not mean something is wrong, usually we don't hear the words anyway, we are thinking are our abs ripped enough? Are we tall enough? Smart enough? And we are scared to say anything because girls can talk without thinking. We have to think about each word or we will end up saying it wrong, and that takes so much time."

So let me try something new and pontificate on my abs....

tribute to my friend Karen

2010-04-14T18:44:00.003-04:00

I finally got the date for the memorial service and put together a tribute to my friend Karen on my art blog. Read tribute -->

paralyzed by produce

2010-04-12T23:28:00.004-04:00

Every time I go to the supermarket, I find myself paralyzed in front of the peppers.

I stand there, mesmerized by the vibrant autumnal colors and think I want to be the kind of person who eats anthocyanins.

And so I buy a bag.

I smile smugly while rolling a dense, plump pepper around my palm. I can already see, in my mind's eye, the sharp blade of my favorite serrated knife slicing the firm flesh into little green, red, yellow and orange strips that I can snack on at my desk.

I am happy because I have found The Perfect Afternoon Hunger Antidote.

I think about this all the way to the checkout counter where I buy the peppers.

This is important, because at this point, I still believe I will eat them.

I drive home thinking about the summer I ate a red pepper many mornings on the way to work. Munched on it like it was an apple, cutting the top off and scooping out the insides so I could while away a 30-minute commute consuming carotenoids for breakfast.

I let myself pretend I am still this person.

I lovingly unload the peppers from their grocery bag and prop them on the top shelf of the fridge. Top priority. No crisper for you, I think. I understand that whatever I cannot see, I will not eat, and so I know better than to banish such beautiful peppers to the chilly morgue of the bottom drawer.

Sometimes I will think about cutting them up RIGHT THEN.

Except I've just been foodshopping and I am hungry. A sandwich is about to make me its bitch.

So I grab dinner, peppers forgotten.

The next morning, I am rushing out of the house.

Despite rushing out of the house every single morning since I was FOUR, I still have not learned that morning is NOT THE TIME TO ADD TO MY ROUTINE.

I open the fridge; a regular but futile activity I engage in while frantically assessing the (lack of) breakfast material.

I am not thinking about peppers.

I am thinking about bacon.

But I didn't buy bacon.

I almost never buy bacon because I want to be the kind of person who eats anthocyanins and not carcinogens but my groggy brain is more honest than whatever concerned citizen I turned into in the produce aisle yesterday. NOW the thought of gobbling raw, gassy peppers for breakfast is repulsive. But what about the afternoon snack? I can eat them then, I think, enthusiastically.

But fuck. They need to be assimilated.

I slam the fridge door, toss an apple in my bag and burst out the door like a gaunt greyhound in ketosis.

Repeat this entire scene the next morning.

Only now I am feeling slightly guilty over abandoning my beloved peppers. I am still repulsed by the thought of munching on flesh not dissimilar in consistency to a boneless index finger as a breakfast food, but the snack idea still seems ok. "I'll just BRING the pepper to work and cut it up there" I think. I even let myself imagine myself calmly walking into the breakroom during a relaxed afternoon, that's how much I like to fool myself.

I toss it in my bag with an apple and go.

Fast forward to quitting time.

When I reach for my car keys... and discover the forgotten bag of peppers, now warm, moist and eager to decay in the dank, fetid surroundings of my backpack.

Tomorrow, I say. Tomorrow I will deliver carotenoids to my cells.

The peppers, although more forgiving than most veggies, have wilted slightly from the forced hiatus in my dark bag. But they are not inedible!

At least not yet.

Sunday. Foodshopping day.

I find myself standing in front of the peppers. They look so beautiful, so... FRESH. These are firm peppers, unlike their abused counterparts in the fridge.

I buy a fresh new bag, thinking "THESE I will slice. The others, I will cook. Maybe in a nice marinara sauce."

Except I don't cook them. I watch their flesh get more and more wrinkled along with my brow as the weight of food wasting while countless starve carves little worried notches between my eyes and into my forehead.

Repeat AGAIN until the second bag has been usurped by a third bag in my pattern of serial abuse and slaying of red, green and golden peppers and mental puppy-kicking.

Now, THIS week, I'm trying something different. I'm avoiding the supermarket and instead playing a bizarre game wherein I will only eat whatever I already have.

I had a can of warm salmon for breakfast this morning.

And for dinner, artichokes.

*sigh*

So far, this plan is not going well.

google's suggested search is revealing

2010-04-06T11:42:00.008-04:00

Just now, while searching for work info, I couldn't help but notice Google's suggested search terms for the word "does":

does he like me
does ups deliver on saturday
does p90x work
doesn't mean anything lyrics
does extenze work
does he love me quiz
does fedex deliver on saturday
does he love me
does the wii play dvds
does rogaine work

Check this out. Out of these 10 suggested search terms, 1/3 wonder "does he like me?" or "does he love me?"

Pretty funny to see what people wonder about.

funny text convo

2010-03-29T11:51:00.006-04:00

Recent text conversation between my 13-yr old nephew and I:

nephew: It sucks when you have to get up in the morning... your bed all warm, ur pillows r so comfy..your blankets happen to slide over you. zzzz

me: yes! Sooo snuggly & warm. And the house all frigid. <-- hhate!

him: Lol but then there's that nagging voice in your head that kicks in after you already fell asleep for about a half hour.

me: ...um, yeah, that's called "MOM"...!

injured bird - what to do

2010-03-25T09:36:00.005-04:00

(In lieu of TMI Thursday, today's post is dedicated to the topic of bird rescue and contains info condensed from several older posts.)
Because it's springtime and birds are gearing up for nesting, they're less cautious then usual and will sometimes fly into traffic in a mating chase. Please be especially watchful when driving. If you do find an injured bird, don't handle it directly with your hands but use paper towels or some other barrier. (Not what I'm doing here with my bare hands... do as I say, not as I do! lol. I did once handle a bird that was full of mites, that's why it's a good idea to protect yourself.)

Ovenbird

"For some reason, this little bird couldn't fly. I grabbed it and rushed it to a wildlife rehabber. Here it is, cupped gently in my hands. Poor thing was terrified. Best thing to do for injured birds is to keep them covered so it can't see (if holding it, cover the face or else drape a cloth over its container), otherwise stress worsens their condition. The rehabber told us we could hold a q-tip near the bird's beak and let some drops of water fall so the bird could take them if it wanted. She also said traditional wisdom for wildlife rehab is not to do anything for the first 24 hours because animals are in shock and need time to calm down."

Links to wildlife rehabilitators:

U.S wildlife rehabilitators
(searchable by state)

Maryland wildlife rehabilitators:

Maryland Department of Natural Resources
1-877-463-6497 or 410-260-8940
*24 hour line that provides names and numbers of licensed wildlife rehabilitators

Maryland Wildlife Rehabilitators Association
(Directory of people who are certified in animal rescue -- sometimes you can bring an animal or bird directly to someone's house instead of a facility.)
410-255-4737

Davidsonville Wildlife Sanctuary
Davidsonville, MD
410-798-0193

Second Chance Wildlife Center
Gaithersburg, MD
301-926-WILD

In some counties, you can call Animal Control and they will pick up the injured animal and transport it to a rehabber for you. (I did this last year with another bird -- Prince George's County Animal Control sent out a van to get the bird and bring it to a certified wildlife animal rehabilitation facility.)

It is polite to offer a donation to help with the burden of expenses.
Sometimes the injuries are too great and there is no hope for rescue. I've swerved off the road more than once after seeing a hit to find the poor bird already gone. In those cases, it made me feel better to donate a small sum to a bird-centric organization in the hope that honoring a small creature's life will help another:

It is a myth that touching a baby bird will cause its mother to reject it. If you see a nestling, search for a nearby nest and place it back if you can. More advice on rescuing nestlings -->.

Update. And thank you.

2010-03-14T03:12:00.000-04:00

Sigh. Maybe I should call this blog "Spleeness's catalogue of loss."

But I haven't lost her yet.

I've been visiting a friend in the hospital the past few of days; someone on the tail end of a brutal fight with cancer that is expected to end soon. It's gutting. I have so much I want to write about but I'm not sure how right now. She's not dead yet. And recording it now somehow feels like I'd be writing a eulogy and I just can't. Right now I am trying to celebrate her life, spend what little time there is left together. Later I will deal with the loss. Not now.

I wanted to thank you for coming to my blog and reading my words. My last post was heavy. But I've been thinking. If loss is what makes us old, then what makes us young must be a sense of community. And I get that from you. In ways you may not even fully realize, you have been here for me.

Thank you.

Visiting Allison.

2010-03-11T12:58:00.007-05:00

I began writing this post in a dream.

I was 1,000 miles from home and visiting a college bookstore when I suddenly ran into my childhood friend, Allison, my best friend from about ages 6-12 before I moved away. I was somehow traveling backwards through time. I didn't ask how -- dreams are funny like that. I just knew it was happening.

She was young and beautiful in my dream, a sophomore in college. She was with her boyfriend who I knew would soon become her husband.

I watched her peruse through merchandise and pick up party lights."Ah," I thought. "You were not yet dead." She didn't know that two years from then she'd be gone, a victim of childbirth gone terribly wrong.

I went over and talked to her in my dream, wanting so badly to hold onto our conversation, the connection. Outwardly it seemed light, airy. We laughed together. I winced inside. She couldn't possibly know or understand that her foreshadowed death rattled around in my innards like a broken bottle, that I needed to double over and wrap my arms around myself to hold in the pieces that were coming apart.

One of the tiny lightbulbs dropped on the floor and bounced but did not break. I bent over to pick it up and thought, "Is this what it's like when you travel back in time to spend an instance with someone?" I thought. "Consumed only with when you would lose them, unable to fully enjoy the moment?"

I wanted to cry great racking sobs for the future as I knew how it would play out. I felt gyped. I went back to see her -- worked so hard for this moment -- and yet even then could not bring back the innocence that existed before I knew the pain of her loss.

We continued our light banter. I swallowed more glass. I found her a sweater she could wear on her way home. There was some comfort in giving her that, on that last occasion that I would see her. And we parted. She bought her party supplies. I watched her fade and slowly became conscious that I was dreaming. That's when I began writing this post in my head.

I woke up thinking of her and of all the other losses in my life I would know one day. How I'd be forever changed by each one, bent and gnarled like a charred, twisted oak, scarred by countless storms and fires.

Maybe this is the thing that makes us old. Loss. Because it robs us of our innocence that the world will stay as we know it.

So THAT'S where all the food went.

2010-03-11T04:04:00.002-05:00

So, I found this page of roommate confessions and it brought me back to my college years. I thought I had awesome roommates until I discovered one of them was stealing mail, food, clothing and destroying personal property. (The other one was, actually, still awesome.)

The site is hilarious. Sample roommate confession:

You stuck a fork in my blender. You bought my boyfriend a duck and 53 goldfish. You took exactly 204 naked pictures of yourself with my camera. You almost killed my hedgehog. You bought us a hamster then lost it. You steal my clothes. You made a tireswing in our apartment (which was actually f*cking amazing but still) and you completely covered a wall in packing peanuts and then told me it was installation art, and you have recently decided you're a Mormon Scientologist. So I feel totally fine just redecorating your room to make you believe you were in hell when you pass out. And then locking you in there for 48 hours. It's not my fault you're retarded. --Emma Sprague, School Not Given

Imagine Jabba the Hut and Princess Leia had some bastard emo child. That's my roommate. All she does is sit on her bed and eat, then gets up and stinks up the toilet. And then complains, complains, complains! She hasn't once brushed her teeth, rarely showers, and photoshops pictures of herself on websites so she can text random boys from the internet to get them to send pictures of their penises to her. Since she is always sleeping (at least 23h a day, and the rest of the time she is doing above) I have to do my work in the dark and she bitches out on me for waking her up sometimes. So for the past 2 months I've intentionally been having sex with my boyfriend early every Thursday morning, so she can lie there listening too us and are sex noises. It's worth it even if she bitches me out about it later. --Rachel McCallum, School Not Given

For today's TMI Thursday, I'll light upon one (just one!) of those roommate incidents.

I'd arrived home one afternoon ready to make a cake for a friend's birthday. I reached into the fridge to get out the icing and I realized someone had attacked it. It looked as if a mountain lion chewed off the top, dipped 4 thick toes into the center and scooped out a giant glob. "Huh," I thought, irritated. "I can't use this but fine, I can make the cake tomorrow. I'll just leave a note for whoever ate this to replace it."

I wrote:

"Whoever ate the icing in the fridge, can you please replace it? I have to make a birthday cake tomorrow. Thanks!"

Then I didn't think about it for the rest of the day.

The next morning I woke up, stretched and ambled slowly out to the kitchen and I saw about 16 sticky notes tacked together on the dining room table in a lengthy reply to my note. I picked it up and recognized at once the hard, angry handwriting of the frustrated.

The reply started, "I didn't eat your icing!! It must have been the same person who ate my..." and then commenced an enormous list of food items, some of which I'd never even heard of, let alone realized were in the house. Only one response too, from the nice roommate. Evil roommie ignored it on her way to NJ for the weekend.

I kept reading, first in shock at the sheer volume. And then I started to laugh. I was still laughing when I knocked on Nice Roommie's door.

"L? Um, I just saw your note. I didn't even realize you HAD half this stuff. I mean, I had nothing in the freezer so I just never went in there. I didn't know you had an entire box of Reese's peanut butter cups inside. The whole box disappeared? DAYum. And this other stuff?" I pointed. "I just really had no idea."

I couldn't stop laughing though. My roommie looked at me and her frown turned up a bit. "D is allergic to peanut butter so I thought it was you."

Me: "um, no, no way would I eat someone's food like that. I mean, if I HAD, like if I was in the grip of some wholly unstable mentally ill state, I would have at least told you and then immediately replaced it. So, huh. WTF?"

She started to laugh; THAT'S where all the food was going all this time. Both of us suddenly understood eachother. We spent the rest of the afternoon sharing stories (like the time all the steak chunks in a meat & rice dish of mine went missing, and how the entire outer ring of a coffee cake bore teethmarks).

Then we went out and split a box of Reese's in solidarity.

Next time I'll discuss the stolen property, mail and missing cordless phone story. For now? You can get more TMI Thursdays:
More TMI Thursday?

Wear a spider on my chest? Really?

2010-03-09T22:04:00.009-05:00

I cannot believe I am voluntarily electing to wear a spider on my chest.

I just bought this:

The spiders? They're real. I know because I met the photographer and he told me all about how he took the photo in Cambodia.

Cambodian spiders?

They're WICKED.

Photographer Jack Whitsitt writes:

"At one of the temples of Angkor Wat in Cambodia, I turned around and found this beast hanging right in front of me. It was huge. Usually, when faced with spiders of this size, I just scream like a little girl. This time, though, the legs just creeped me out so badly I just moaned. Neither my wife nor my friends were near by at the time...ugh. But then the photographer in me took over and I got the shot. Finally, I put it on a tshirt because I figure, if confronting the things that scare him makes Batman stronger, maybe I should try it too. ;)"

(Oh and the original photo is here on Flickr.)

Get your own spider tee --> http://bit.ly/spidertee (just don't wear it around me, k? I can *wear* it because I won't be able to *see* it but if you have it on, we can't hug or anything. Understood?)

Terrible analogy WIN

2010-03-08T22:18:00.002-05:00

So I was posting some of the most terrible analogies I'd ever seen on Twitter and came across this one which was too long to tweet:

"Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake."

-- Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills, one of the winners in the Washington Post Style Invitational's "Worst Analogies Ever Written in a High School Essay" contest, 1996.

Haha! Anyone know what in the *world* this is referring to?? Absolutely cracks me up though.

TMI Thursday: NO frontal nudity! I promise.

2010-03-04T07:00:00.002-05:00

All names have been changed for this TMI Thursday. Any names you see here have been made up. But the story is real.

Jumping in...

So, I do web design for a living: officially by day but I also freelance at night.

One day I get a call from a very nervous-sounding gentleman.

Dude: "Hi. Um, I'm calling because I need a website designed. Will you do it for me?"

me: "Tell me a little about what you need." (my standard response).

him: "Um. Well. I just called like 10 other designers but no one else will do it. They just won't. They hear what I do and they hang up. But it's not like I'm doing anything bad or wrong, it's just um, an unusual business."

me (thinking hmmm, he must have seen the disclaimer on my website about how I will not consider any job whose ends or means are unethical; and yes, it's there because I have been asked): "Well, what type of business is it?"

him: (sighing loudly) "Um. It's a male entertainment company. But just until I get back on my feet! I'm only doing this right now while I'm out of school."

me (flicking imaginary cigarette in boredom; like I care why he chose any given profession): "Well, I don't do websites that aim to swindle money out of people but tell me more about what kind of site you need and I'll see if I can help."

him: "Well, I'm a male dancer. And I want to set up a simple website with just a few pages that tells people about my service and has pictures of the dancers. But don't worry! They will all be wearing clothes. At least bottoms! No nudity. Well maybe the rear will be exposed but that's it. No frontal nudity! I promise."

me (now amused): "Well, I require 1/3 down to start, 1/3 at the halfway point and then 1/3 when the job is complete."

him: "YES! That sounds AWESOME. Sign me up."

me: "Ok, let me get some information from you then." I pull out a notebook to begin my client checklist. "What's your name?"

(note: names changed! But this is very close to the, um, essence, of how the conversation ensued.)

him: "Richard Hard."

me (not noticing odd name): "Ok, what's your address?"

I jot down all his information. Yeah, his name may have been unusual but whatever. I didn't really even think about it -- the world is full of the oddly-named; like "Gay Horny" (an actual person but you'll never find them because countless porn references drown out relevant results) and "Gaston Feeblebunny". So I barely register this and continue moving through my list. One last question before I'm done.

me: "Ok, and lastly, what's your email address?"

him (coughing): "Um. Ahem." (voice lowered, hand cupped over mouth) "DonSmith@universityofspleen.edu**" (**not a real address).

I started laughing. "Alright, RICHARD. When would you like to meet, RICHARD?"

I still don't know what the dude's real name is. He paid me in cash and money orders so there was no real record of his name. But I built him a site. It's still out there, even though I dropped him as a client years ago when he started to seem shady.

So this is me during the design stage; pulling images into photoshop to design a template.

This WAS a fun project.... though I like working on science & educational sites much better, they don't make for quite as interesting of a TMI Thursday post...!

Want more? Fill your TMI Thursday cup:

wordless Wednesday

2010-03-03T06:00:00.002-05:00

Well, mostly wordless. This was taken just before I started banging my head against the wall. Captions? Hint: just got off the phone with Verizon.